


The United States of Jensen

by Takobella



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Explicit Language, F/M, Infidelity, M/M, Mentions (and non graphic flashbacks) of past non-con, character death (none of the main characters)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-17
Updated: 2012-09-17
Packaged: 2017-11-14 11:38:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 48,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/514829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Takobella/pseuds/Takobella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared needs a new place to live, and fast. Salvation comes in the form of a cute redhead named Danneel in his English class. Living in a huge spacious house with four other roommates seems like an ideal solution, but trouble has always found itself around Jared Padalecki, and this time is no different. He's had his whole live planned since he started University, but it looks like all it's going take is one man to knock it all down.</p>
<p>Jensen Ackles has been trying to fit in with everybody else for as long as he could remember. Broken from actions so horrible that he's blocked them from his mind, he lives in a world where the broken pieces of his self fight for control. He's managed to keep everybody he loves at a distance for all his life, but all that's about to change.</p>
<p>Written for the 2009 Big Bang Challange</p>
            </blockquote>





	The United States of Jensen

Richardson, Texas,

March 2001

 

Everything Hurt.

Mac used to bitch incessantly every time she was in pain. Every time she was sick, or bruised or broke something accidently, she would whine like no tomorrow. It used to irritate the shit out of him.

One winter they went on the one and only family ski trip of his life. Mac decided to be a pro and ski down a black diamond. Instead she ended up cart wheeling one hundred feet down the mountain and getting rushed to the local hospital. She spent the rest of winter break moaning in pain and making Jensen her personal slave.

If she felt anywhere close to as bad as he felt right now, he would take back every bad thing he ever thought about his sister.

The funny thing is that he hadn’t even noticed the pain when he was getting away. As soon as he got out he realized how close he was to Chris’s house and he managed to get there just fine, but now, standing on the front steps, he’s surprised he still conscious when Chris opens the door.

“Dude, you look like shit.”

Chris just stared at him with wide blood shot eyes. “Oh my God, Jensen, where...”

“Christian Kane speechless, ladies and gentlemen,” Jensen grimaced weakly. “I’m definitely remembering this one for the record books.”

The last thing he saw was Chris’s pasty green tile rushing up to meet him, and then nothing.

 

***

 

University of British Columbia (UBC), Vancouver

September 2008

 

It all started because Chad was obnoxiously loud during sex.

Actually, if Jared was completely honest, he could have continued to put up with listening to Chad and Sofia go at it on the occasional night she slept over, up until he graduated. If it hadn’t been for the fact that she had moved in two months ago, officially commencing the Chad and Sofia kink show, he doubted anything would have changed much at all.

“Dude, I don’t even know why you’re so determined to do this, just get Sandy to stay over more often and you’ll stop worrying how much pussy I get.” Lifting his weights above his head, Chad examined the flex of his muscles with every lift.

Jared smirked and looked over at Chad. “First of all dude, if you’re going to go admire yourself in a the mirror every time we come to the gym, the least you could do if lift weights that weigh more than twenty pounds. And second of all—“

“You wish you could look this good,” Chad grinned. “I bet the reason you really want to move out is that you can’t stand to listen to Sofia have me every night while you wish it was you.”

“If I get woken up one more time listening to your lame attempts at sex talk,” Jared continued as if uninterrupted, “I might not be liable for the consequences of my actions.”

Chad turned, an awkward look on his face. “Look I—,” he began.

“Dude, it’s ok.” Jared interrupted, he felt like they’d gone over this a hundred times and it never got any easier. “I really don’t mind moving out. You and Sofia need your space, and you know Sandy’s aunt won’t let us move in together. That just means I’m going to have to find a place on my own.”

“We’re ok right?”

“Man, relax, everything’s cool. I finally get the chance to live on my own, I’ve been feeling especially manly recently.”

Chad smiled. “You want any help finding a place?”

“Nah, I can do it on my own, how hard can it be?”

 

 

***

 

Jared had never lived alone before.

He grew up in a busy household with two siblings that always seemed to circle his personal space. Even when he won a full ride to a Canadian university and moved to a different country, he found himself an awesome roommate and best friend in Chad, another fellow American studying in Canada.

Jared often joked that Chad was like a barnacle that’d grown on him and couldn’t be removed, but the truth of the matter was that he liked the company. Even when he moved out of the dorms and into a small apartment just off campus in third year, Chad was right there along with him.

“I feel like I’m going through a crisis you know? I mean, what kind of twenty year old doesn’t want a place of his own?”

Sandy looked at him with sympathy. “I know just how you feel, why do you think I live with Kristin?” She paused in thought. “Why don’t you look at ads for roommates?”

“Babe! There are some incredibly fucked up individuals renting space near the campus.” Jared looked over at her. “I’ve looked, but I wouldn’t want to spend five hours with most of the people I’ve met so far, let alone share an apartment with them.”

Sandy settled down next to Jared on the grass of the quad, stretching her arms over head, making her pink t-shirt ride up her stomach, exposing a long stretch of smooth skin, and effectively distracting Jared from his rant.

Sandy was very good at distracting Jared.

This was proven by the very first time he saw her, when he walked into a stop sign because he was too distracted looking at her legs to pay attention to where he was going.

This was proved yet again when Jared was so busy checking out the way her t-shirt showed off her awesome assets to pay attention to the football that ended up slamming into the side of his face and spilling the soda he had been about to drink from all over himself.

“Oh my God Jared, are you ok?!” Sandy reached out to help him sit upright.

“What the fuc—“ Jared was cut off by a sharp back of laughter.

“Shit son, that has got to be the funniest thing I’ve seen all day!”

Jared looked over at the owner of the voice.

Standing a couple feet away, retrieving the football that had just hit him in the head, was a man around their age, looking at them under the rim of a black cowboy hat that sat low on his head.

"What the hell man, is your aim so bad that you can’t throw a simple football without hitting someone in the face." Jared clutched his nose. “Fuck! You better not have broken my nose!”

The look on the strangers face went from mocking to scarily blank in less than a second. “Or what boy? If you’re to stupid to be watching your perimeter, you deserved to be hit in the face.” He threw the football on the grass and took a couple steps towards them. “You wanna be a big man in front of your girl, is that it? Well let me tell you, no pussy is worth the beating I will give you if you continue to talk to me in that tone. I don’t hold for no disrespect.”

“Are you kidding me?”

Anything Jared would have said further was cut off by the short compact man with shoulder length brown hair that ran up to the three of them. Cutting off the shortening distance between Jared and the stranger, he turned his back on Jared and addressed the jackass.

“Bo, what the fuck have I told you about picking fights with guys on campus?”

Bo directed an angry look at the man. “I have the right to defend myself Chris. This little bitch was trying to pick a fight.”

This was news to Jared.

“What the fuck ever man.” Chris grabbed Bo by the shoulders and started pushing him away. “I do not need to deal with your shit right now, you know Jensen has an appointment with his doctor in an hour.”

Watching Bo storm away towards a group of guys apparently waiting for him at the edge of the field, Chris turned to face Jared and Sandy. “Listen man, I don’t know what the fuck was going down, but next time, try not to act like an asshole. It’s guys like you that make my life harder than it already is.”

Mouth agape, Jared turned to look at Sandy. “What the hell? Did I just get threatened by two wanna be cowboys for absolutely no reason?”

She turned out to have no sympathy for him, as she was too busy laughing at him to listen to what he was saying. “Oh my god Jared, it looks like you peed yourself. If you want to make it to Professor Whites lecture in time I think you’re going to have to rush back fast and change.” She broke off into a fit of giggles.

Jared looked up from the dark stain on the front of his pants to give her a teasing glare. “Oh, what ever would I do without such a caring girl like you in my life?”

“Finally give in to Chad’s sexual advances?”

“Oh fuck you,” he laughed. “Fine I’m going to run back and grab a change of clothes. Save me a seat?”

“You bet baby, I’ll even have another soda waiting for you, just to make up for the one you ended up wearing.”

He really did have the best fiancé ever.

 

***

 

Jensen sometime felt like he was only living half a life.

Standing in the middle of a smoky bar he became aware of himself while the blond bar bunny wrapped around him nibbled on his ear. He didn’t know where he was.

Again.

This had become the most reoccurring event of his life, and with no possible future remedy, he had resigned himself to a life filled with large plot holes.

That didn’t mean he had to like it.

Detangling himself from the girl currently wrapped around him like a squid, he shoved her out of his way, ignoring her protests, and slipped out the bar’s front door.

It’s bad enough to be stuck with pussy as my only option, but now I have to put up with these disease ridden whores too? Complained a high voice from within. Ignoring the voice Jensen tried to find out where he was.

The clock above the door had said that it was eight thirty, which meant that he had been out for going on six hours. Fuck. That was the longest he’d been gone in a long while. Whipping out his cell phone he quickly dialled the number of the one person he could count on.

“You are lucky you called me now you son of a bitch, one more hour and I swear I would leave your ass.”

Jensen winced, so it looked like Chris was in a bad mood, wonderful. “Dude I’m sorry, I don’t know how it took me so long to get back in control. I don’t know where I’m at, but I’m standing outside the uhh,” Jensen shot a glance at the glowing sign above his head. “The Point. Do you know where that is?”

“Oh Christ, that place? You should remember it too man, last year me and Steve played a gig there. You got totally shit faced and ended up banging Danneel in the girls bathroom.”

Jensen flushed red, “Oh man I hardy remember anything about that night, let along where the fuck I was. Can you pick me up?”

“Of course, you dick head, what am I going to do, leave you to hitch home? I’ll be there in ten.”

With that Jensen clicked his phone shut and sat down on the curb just outside the bar. He was still sitting there when Chris pulled up on his bike ten minutes later. Hopping on, he clung to his best friends back as he quickly took off, pulling a sharp u-turn and heading back towards to their place.

After pulling up to the house, Jensen pulled off Chris’s spare helmet as his friend shut the motor off and headed toward the garage door leading into the house. “So what happened?”

“Nothing man, Bo played some touch football with the guys, almost got into a fight with some bean pole on the quad and then ditched me to hook up with some chick he claimed was a for sure easy lay.”

“Ya, I met her.”

“You also missed your appointment.”

“Fuck, what is that, like, the third time in a month? Dr. Phil is gonna be pissed.”

Chris shot him a look. “Dr. Orson is fine. I called him when it was obvious you weren’t gonna make it. He rescheduled you for tomorrow at three.”

“Swell.”

“And we have a house meeting. Misha and Danneel know that I went to get you. They’re waiting in the living room.”

Jensen walked into the living room to find Misha and Danneel spread out on the couch watching TV. As soon as she saw him Danneel straightened out and made room for him, snuggling close to him as soon as he sat down.

He found her so confusing. They’d been good friends since the start of freshman year, but this last year, living in such close quarters, they’d crossed the line from friends to lovers. This left Jensen wallowing in a constant state of confusion, constantly floating back and forth between the role of boyfriend and friend. She was one of the biggest stress triggers in his life right now and he sometimes thought the sex almost wasn’t worth it.

Almost.

“Hey baby.” Danneel moved to cup his jaw in her hand and gave him a soft wet kiss. “I missed you.”

“Save it for bedroom guys.” Misha had turned the TV off and sat down cross-legged on the couch, facing everybody. “It’s come to my attention that we have a problem. Ever since Tom moved out we’ve been barley scrapping by, and unless we want to up our individual monthly rent—“

“Which I do fucking not.” Chris interrupted.

“—then we need to get a new roommate.”

Jensen groaned. “Just what we need, another person hogging up the bathroom time.”

“Hey man, I am right there with you, but if we want a place to sleep at night, we’ve got to make some sacrifices.”

“I say we put up some posters around campus,” said Danneel. “That way we can try and land a student. I think it would be better if we live with someone who has a schedule similar to our own.”

Jensen nodded. “If we’re going to do this, I agree with Danneel. Student all the way.”

“Ok then, everybody spread the news tomorrow, and hopefully we can have someone moving in as soon as possible.” Misha got up stretching his arms above his head and let out a big yawn. “I’m hitting the sack, see you guys in the morning.”

Chris followed Misha up the stairs with a parting slap up the side of Jensen’s head.

Jensen turned to Danneel and caught her mouth in a kiss. “You were saying something about missing me?” Jensen asked, pressed up against her lips.

Danneel grinned. “Oh baby, let me show you the ways,” and pushed him down onto the couch to do exactly that.

 

***

 

Help finally came in the form of the hot redhead in his English 371 course. He’d first noticed her, not only because of the way she filled out her t-shirt, but because she was funny. Every time Professor White asked for an opinion on part of a novel they were reading, she had had one. Usually only a twisted cynically one, but funny.

She spotted him looking over rental ads in the newspaper at one of the campus coffee shops and proceeded to sit down and snatch the paper from his hands.

“Ohh this is no good at all.” She shot him an amused look over the paper. “Did you actually circle an ad that says you can only stay in the apartment four days out of the week?”

Jared decided to ignore her gross invasion of privacy to defend himself. “Dude, I am not kidding you when I say that, that, right there, not the worst offer I’ve considered going to see. There is nothing available right now. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even join the dorms either because it’s the middle of the semester.”

“Sucks to be you.”

“Damn right. With my luck Danneel, I’m going to end up either sleeping in a half way house or staying where I am right now. At Chad and Sofia’s Sex Palace. And I kid you not, that’s what the sign he posted on his bedroom door says.”

“Do you remember about how I told you one of my roommates Tom was getting married next summer?” Danneel asked.

Jared stared at her, affronted. “Dude I am telling you about my pain and—“

“Ya, ya, ya,” she said, waving her hands at him. “Well him and his fiancé Jamie decided they wanted to move in together before they made it official, so he moved out of the house like two months ago.” She grinned at him. “Guess who’s looking for a new roommate?”

Oh Sandy would just love that.

Jared hesitated. “I think my fiancé would potentially kill me if I say I’m moving in with the hot girl from my English class?”

She laughed. “Well don’t word it like that dumbass! Plus, I don’t live alone. My friends Chris, Misha and Jensen all share rooms in the house too.”

“I don’t know..”

“Shut up bitch, unless you see another option in your future I suggest taking you tight butt over to my place at seven, I’ll let you check it out.”

 

***

 

Which is how he found himself a couple hours later staring up at a lime green house on the edge of the south side of campus. “Oh my God, that is awesome.” Jared laughed. “If anything makes me move into this house it just might be the colour, who the hell paints a house lime green?”

Danneel rolled her eyes. “Don’t even ask, our landlord is kind of weird.”

Ushering him inside, she introduced him to one of her roommates, a man named Misha, who they found in a small room down the corridor from the entrance.

The room was small, but made to appear bigger with every wall covered in mirrors. There was no furniture in it either, just pillows scattered around the room in corners, with a stereo on the floor on the left side of the room. Misha sat in the middle of the room in what Jared recognized as some kind of yoga pose, but for the life of him, could not picture executing himself.

“Wow, he’s very...bendy, isn’t he?” Jared swallowed, eyes following the lines of Misha’s curved back, as be held himself straight up by bent arms.

“This is our ‘relaxation’ room,” Danneel said. He could practically hear the quotation marks in her words. “Believe it or not, not Misha’s invention. It was actually set up by our landlord when he lived here. Mike said it helped him ‘gather his inner chi’ or something like that, after long days at school. I actually think he just used this room to smoke pot and write bad poetry, but he’s got Misha totally into it. He got him totally hooked on yoga by the first month living here, and now Misha’s even giving lessons at the local center.”

Jared had to admit, if he had a teacher that looked like Misha doing those positions, he might just be converted also.

Danneel grinned at him. “Like what you see?”

Jared sputtered. “Wha—no—uh, Sandy! I was just imagining Sandy doing, ah ha ha...think I should get her to sign up?” He shot her a weak grin.

“Sure cowboy, whatever you say.” Smirk plastered all over her face, she turned back to look at Misha, who had finally noticed their presence. “Hey Mish, this is the guy I was telling you about, the one who wanted to rent the room.”

Misha got up off the floor in a graceful roll and walked over to the two of them. “Great!” He gave Jared a wide smile and grabbed a towel to swipe the sweat off his torso. “I trust Danneel’s judgment, but why don’t we show you the house and see if you like it.”

They showed him around, giving him a tour of all the major sections of the house. On the second floor Danneel showed him a large room at the end of the hall. “This would be your room, it’s pretty big and we’ve got wifi so you don’t have to bother hooking up your computer anywhere.” She shot him a wide smile. “So what do you think?”

Jared had to admit that the house was awesome. Big and spacious, everyone had their own room, the living room was set up like a dream, with video games and a pool table Danneel said everyone was allowed to use. It was perfect.

Which is what he told Chad later back at the house. “Dude it would be a crime not to move in, the place is kick ass.”

“And rooming with Danneel Harris, that is God’s luck my friend. I’ve seen her around campus, she is totally bangable.” Chad leered. “Just imagine it now, it’s late at night, you need to borrow some soap, so you knock on her door and—“

“First of all, hello? No way, Sandy would kill me. Second, she’s dating one of her roommates, Jensen or something, she told me about it today.”

“So have you met them all?”

“Nah, I’m moving in tomorrow and they should be there then. Danneel said the other two put her and Misha in charge of finding someone, so they’re totally cool with whoever gets picked.” Jared said.

He had to admit that he was kind of nervous. Moving in with strangers and making friends was always a little nerve racking, but if he had managed to win Chad over, he was totally confident that he could deal with his new roommates. Despite that fact that he was just over six foot four, and usually very intimidating to the average citizen, he was very good at making friends. His momma always said just to make sure his mouth didn’t overload his tail and he’d be good.

Chad seemed to agree. “Just make sure you don’t bore them to death with stories the first day you meet them, you know you babble when you’re nervous.”

“Dude, I am the embodiment of cool, everything is gonna go perfectly.”

 

***

 

“You’re the douchbag that tried to pick a fight with me on the quad the other day!”

Everything had been going so well. With Chad and Misha’s help he had managed to move his stuff into the empty bedroom in his new house. It had been a lot of work, but with the extra help they managed to set everything up by four that afternoon. After that, Chad took off to pick up Sofia from work and Jared and Misha headed to the kitchen to knock bad a couple of beers.

They’d just started getting relaxed when the back door opened and in walked two very familiar faces. At first he hadn’t been able to place the first, but then the second guy walked in, and he recognized the sharp green eyes and slim build from the other day, all he was missing was his cowboy hat.

You can always trust the good looking ones to be assholes.

Chris stopped short. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Misha looked between the both of them. “Is there a problem here?”

“No. There was a problem between him and Bo, but I handled it. It wasn’t anything to get worked up about anyways.”

The cowboy wannabe—apparently Bo, looked confused. “Is this the bean pole you were telling me about the other day? The one on the quad?”

Jared didn’t know what hurt his ego more, that he was apparently forgettable enough that the asshole couldn’t remember him over the course of two days, or that Chris had been referring to him as a bean pole since.

“Yep.”

“Jared’s our new roommate.” Misha had the look of someone wanting to rip the band aid off fast, and get the pain out of the way. “He moved in all his stuff this afternoon.”

Silence stretched out into the kitchen. Jared felt the need to say something, anything, but for once in his life, felt to flustered to form a sentence.

“Akward.” Bo drawled, moving to the fridge and gabbing a beer from inside. He quickly popped the top of and took a long pull. Almost against his will Jared found his eyes following the smooth line of his neck as he took swallow after swallow.

Fucking arrogant asshole cowboy.

“You explain about Jensen?” asked Chris.

“I actually hadn’t gotten to that quite yet.”

That managed to get Bo’s attention. “What the fuck Misha? I thought you were going to tell any potential roommate before they moved in. What if he doesn’t want to stay!” Jared wouldn’t exactly say he was yelling, but every word out of his mouth got louder as he carried on. “We agreed to be upfront about this, I don’t want to deal some pissed off random stranger!”

Every word that came out of his mouth just confused Jared more and more. “Wait...you live here too? I thought it was just Danneel, Misha, Chris and some guy named Jensen.”

Bo stared hard at Jared and then turned and started out of the room. “You guys deal with this shit. I’m done.”

Chris quickly followed him out the door. “I’m going to go see if he’s ok.” He shot Jared a parting smirk. “Welcome to the house asshole.”

I’m the asshole? Jared was so confused. “What the hell is going on Misha? Why the fuck is that Bo guy living here too?”

Misha sighed. “That wasn’t Bo, that was Jensen.”

“Well that’s funny because he looks exactly like the asshole that hit me in the head with a football two days ago, and I know that they said that was Bo. Does he have a twin brother or something?”

“God, I was going to bring this up in a way better manner. Ok...” Misha trailed off, a helpless look on his face. “Do you know what Dissociative Identity Disorder is?”

Jared thought back to his Into to Psychology course freshman year. “You mean like multiple personalities?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, what does tha—“ Jared cut himself off mid thought. Staring hard at Misha, he tried to see if the other man was trying to pull his chain. “Are you fucking with me here? Are you trying to tell me that Jensen, my new roommate, has multiple personalities?”

“No, he does. Usually it’s no problem. Jensen usually has pretty good control over himself, but he recently decided to stay off his meds, so his personalities trigger easier than usual.” Misha smiled sheepishly, but quickly moved to reassure him when he got a look at the expression on Jared face. “It’s not so bad! He’s not like really crazy or anything. It’s just like knowing four different people instead of one.”

“Four people!” Jared responded, feeling weak. “Are you serious?”

“Ya, listen, Bo can be kind of a jackass, but you probably just caught him at a bad time. He’s just a good ol’ boy, quick to anger, but even quicker to forget.”

“Right.” Feeling like he’s entered the twilight zone, he sat down hard on one of the kitchen stools.

“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you before, but we were worried it would stop you from moving in. And Jensen is a cool guy man. Give him a chance and you’ll see, no matter what kind of crazy shit him and his alters get up to, he’s a good person, and a good roommate.”

Jared had always considered himself to be an open minded kind of guy. Growing up in a very liberal household, Jared was told to feel free to express himself in any way that made him comfortable.

His mother was the kind of person that thought being different was unique and trendy, and his father indulged her every whim. So growing up, Megan’s stint in Goth wear was helped along by his mother, while Jeff’s idea to become a ballerina when he was five died a fiery death, mostly because of the too eager participation of their mother. His parents even threw him a coming out party the day he told his family he was bisexual.

This was a whole new level of ‘unique’.

“Listen is this going to be a problem man? If it is, I promise to help move everything back, I was hoping this would all come out in a better manner.”

“First, tell me about them. Jensen and his alters,” Jared clarified.

Misha smiled. “Ok, well first you’ve already met Bo. He’s...interesting. He likes to act like he’s God’s gift to women. He has a temper, but almost always behaves himself with Jensen’s friends and family.”

“Almost?”

“Well, he does have a tendency to hit on his friends girlfriend, but just in good humour!” He quickly reassured Jared. “Tell him to back off and he does. Ok then there’s Jack.”

“Jack?” asked Jared.

“You really don’t have to worry about him. He’s super conservative, very passive. He mostly just cleans the house and does Jensen’s homework. Sometimes he does volunteer work with the local Roteract Club. Oh!” Misha chuckled. “And he goes to church. Every time he’s out he tries to drag all of us to confession to ‘unload’ our burdens to the lord.”

Jared threw back his head and laughed. “I think if I went I’d be there all year.”

Misha smirked. “Oh me too. The only one that usually goes is Chris, and that’s just because he has a hard time saying no to Jensen.”

“So what’s the deal with them?”

“Who? Chris and Jensen? Best friends till the end, if you hear them talk about it.” Misha leaned in towards Jared and lowered his voice. “Chris was best friends with Jensen before any of the alters even showed up.”

Jared couldn’t resist asking. “So what made him this way?”

“Who knows man. Jensen doesn’t talk about it, ever. And if Chris knows he’s not saying.”

Jared knew when not to push. “And the last one?”

“Ahh, J.” Misha leaned back and cocked an eyebrow suggestively. “J’s kinda fun actually. I guess you could say that J is Jensen’s inner bad boy. His main goal is to either get laid or get wasted.”

“And you all live in the house together, everything works out fine?”

“Ya man, like I said, Jensen’s great, and his alters all follow his lead in one way or another, so it’s usually pretty cool around here.” Misha seemed to hesitate, but then asked, “So are you in or out?”

Jared couldn’t imagine living with someone like Jensen. It seemed so confusing and complicated. But Jared had never been one to back down from a challenge, plus all his stuff had been moved in already and he really wasn’t up to another move. For as pissed off as he probably had the right to be, he was mostly just curious.

“Ok I’m in.”

Misha let out a sigh of relief. “Oh thank God. All this tension, it hurts the soul.”

Jared settled down into his seat and took a swig of his beer. Here’s hoping that this time, curiosity doesn’t kill that cat.

 

***

 

The first thing Jensen was aware of was a hard unforgiving surface under his body. A cold chill seeped through his clothes’ into his skin—into his bones.

Something was wrong.

A wave of panic shot through his body when he—in an attempt to sit up—found himself pinned, unable to move. Thick straps dug into his thighs and torso. His arms, pulled high above his head, clanked the handcuffs restraining his hands together.

“This is exactly the kind of thing I was trying to prevent.” He jerks at the unexpected nearness of the voice, a raspy drawl whispered, so close that shallow breaths puffed hotly up against his ear. “I warned and I warned you, but you never listened to me. You pushed me away. You didn’t believe me when I said we were going to be together forever.”

Jensen cringed as soft hand, familiar hands, reached down to cup his face. Dark eyes, that had once seemed so fearsome, glazed dully back at him.

“I only do this because I love you.”

He woke up on his back, gasping, muscles locked up so tight the tension caused a phantom pain to shoot up and down his body. The feeling of being restrained and terrified lingered, but the remnants of his dream slipped away when he tried to grasp at his memories.

Pushing himself up on shaking arms, he forced himself out of bed, eager to escape his nightmares and face the day.

He’s sick of being scared of something he can’t even remember.

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he didn’t bother to brush his hair, only put on a clean pair of jeans and t-shirt and headed downstairs to grab a bite to eat before he had to head out.

Hopefully he could be done and out the door before anybody else woke up.

It’s not like he was purposely going out of his way to avoid his roommates the last couple of weeks, but Jensen thought it might be better to give them all a little space, and get to know the new resident. If he was perfectly honest with himself, he wasn’t quite sure why he was still keeping to himself, but he found himself doing so.

It wasn’t even the fact that Bo and Jared had apparently had a bad first impression. After talking to Misha, he was told that Jared wasn’t one to hold grudges, apparently he was willing to overlook the fact that Bo was a jackass and start over.

Maybe the problem was that Jensen hated dealing with new people.

Everyone he had ever met had only ever either pitied, feared or coddled him. As if just because Jensen different, he needed to be treated like this strange creature that none of them could understand. Even Chris treated him differently since Jensen’s fucked up head started malfunctioning. He could only imagine what kind of reaction his new roommate had. Either way, Jensen wanted no part of it.

But apparently Jared hadn’t gotten the memo.

Hair mussed and decked out in flannel pyjamas, Jared was sitting at the island eating what Jensen had to guess was the biggest breakfast he had ever seen. Spread out before him was a meal better suited for four. Dry cereal, toast, bacon, eggs, hash browns and sausages were piled high in front of him.

Looking up from his food Jared gave Jensen a big smile “Hey man! I hope I didn’t wake you when I was making breakfast. I couldn’t sleep so I decided to come down and make a small meal to tied me over.”

Dimples. Jensen found himself noting.

“Dude?”

Shaking himself out of his stupor Jensen grunted in acknowledgment and sat down opposite from Jared, quickly gulping down a hot cup of coffee.

“Oh good, you drink coffee. I made some for whoever wants some, I can’t function without it.”

Looking blearily over his mug a Jared, Jensen raised his cup in a salute.

“I see I’m not the only one,” Jared teased. “You want something to eat?”

“God no.” Jensen made a face. “If I eat anything before twelve it’s coming right back up. Breakfast is not my friend.” Pointing a Jared and his collection of food he fake gagged. “How you can eat that so early in the morning I do not even want to know.”

“I have to keep up my strength,” Jared stated, looking very solemn. “I’m eating for two.” Lifting up his shirt he proceeded to stick out his stomach in a disturbingly good imitation of a pregnant women.

“Ah! Get that away from me,” Jensen laughed. “That is too wrong for words.”

Pouring another cup of coffee for Jensen, Jared looked nervously at him for the first time that morning.

“So I talked to Misha.”

“Ah.” Great, just I thought I had escaped the awkward.

“About you, I mean.”

“Hmm.”

“So, ah, you have DID?”

“Yep.”

“Is it permanent?”

“Seems like it.”

“But you’re ok?”

“As far as I can tell.”

“Cool, cool.”

Cool? What a fucking moron. The engines running in this one, but ain’t nobody driving, a deep voice laughed from within him, Jensen couldn’t help but agree.

“I guess you could say that.”

“God, I’m a fucking moron. Can we erase the last couple minutes please?”

Startled Jensen looked up at Jared, who sat across from him with an expression of abject embarrassment on him face. “I was a little nervous to meet you. Like, meet you for real I mean.” Jared gave a nervous laugh, trying so obviously hard that he actually managed to make Jensen feel bad about being so unfriendly earlier. “You’re just really different from how I had pictured you.”

Jensen lifted an eyebrow. “As opposed to what? A crazy?”

“No! No, I just meant, you’re so different from Bo. Who I’d met before, at the park the other day. He—“

“Dude. Don’t worry, I know what happened. Bo’s a dick, let’s move along.”

“Right.” Looking awkward, Jared gave him a soft smile. “Why don’t we start over?”

Holding out his hand for Jensen, he smiled so large it took up all his face. “I’m Jared Padalecki. I’m from San Antonio, I love dogs, I have a fiancé named Sandy and was voted ‘most outgoing’ by my high school grad class. So contrary to previous proof, I am capable of being charming and making friends.”

Dimples. Unable to help himself, Jensen let out a short bark of laughter. Taking Jared’s hand he smiled. “I’m Jensen Ackles. I’m from Dallas, I hate dogs, I’m an artist, and despite what you might think, I hate cowboy hats.”

“You hate dogs?” Jared shot him a dirty looked, but softened it with a wink. “That is the first thing we are working on man, that goes against the laws of man and God.”

“Well, it’s more I like them, they hate me, so I just learned to avoid them.” He let out a rueful chuckle.

“See this isn’t so bad is it?”

“What?”

“Getting to know me.”

Jensen tensed. “Am I that obvious?”

“No man!” Jared quickly reassured him. “I could just imagine how most people react to other’s that are different from them. I assume it could get kind of awkward. What with the split personalities and the moods swings and stuff. I once had an ex who I swore had a split personality, she would be like the sweetest person one minute, and then the biggest raging bitch the next. Weirdest chick I ever met, but it turned out that she...didn’t.” Jared ended lamely.

“Awkward’s one way to put it.”

“Oh God, someone stop me.”

Jensen found himself smiling at Jared despite himself.

“A ha! A smile! I’ve succeeded when all looked bleak!” Doing a little dance on the spot Jared looked at him with a smirk.

“Don’t get to cocky. I also smile this way at my slow cousin, maybe you just remind me of him?”

“Oh you little bitch.” Jared drawled. “Now you’re just getting mean.”

“A little pain never hurt anyone.” Jensen made a face.

“That totally made sense in your head, didn’t it.” Jared pointed at him. “Welcome to my world!”

Looking at the man laughing in front of him, Jensen couldn’t help but think it might not be such a bad place to be.

 

***

 

“It’s like you’re living in a half way house for the socially retarded.”

Jared punched Chad in the chest. “What the hell are you talking about man?”

“Ok look, this Jensen guy sounds freaky enough on his own, but your new roommate Misha? Total quack. I’ve seen him hanging around with Sofia’s friend Hilary, handing out random fliers for whatever cause they decided on that week.”

“It’s not weird to get involved in a cause Chad, it’s called being a good citizen.”

“Dude! The two of them spent the entire last weekend downtown locked in cages wearing flesh coloured underwear in protest of animal cruelty. Sofia made me go. I had to stand on Robson Street and watch crazy vegetarians bang on bars and yell at pedestrians while half naked for over five hours.” Chad gave a shudder of disgust. “By the end of the day I was so pissed off I wanted to go buy a Big Mack at the McDonald’s across the street and eat it in front of them, just to show them how much I cared.”

“But instead you chose to wait until you could go with me, because you’re too much of a pussy to piss Sofia off that much.” Jared replied around the mouthful of french fries he’d shoved into his mouth.

“Basically, yes.”

Jared shook his head sadly. “She’s got you locked down man, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”

“Whatever, at least I’m man enough to admit it. You’re so scared of being tied down that you won’t even move in with Sandy, and she’s your fiancé.”

Jared sighed. “ I told you, her Aunt is like a totally strict Catholic, she’s not going to offend her by moving in with me before the wedding.”

“With you refuse to set a date to.” Chad pointed out.

“Because we’re both still in school jerk off, there’s no point of thinking about it until we’re both graduated.”

Chad had a totally confused look on his face, the same expression he wore whenever this subject came up. “So what was the point of proposing to her then?”

Jared actually wasn’t quite sure himself. They’d been vacationing in Cabo for break last year and things had gotten a little crazy.

Seven days of sun, sex and relaxation had gotten the better of him, leading him to make a drunken declaration of his undying love for Sandy and asking her to marry him. The next morning he’d woken up in a fit of panic, unable to believe what seven shots of tequila and one flaming Lamborghini had led him to do, but Sandy had been so happy he hadn’t seen the point of taking it back. In the end, they’d decided to have a long engagement, even if he had been pretty confused as to the events that had led up to it.

Not that he was going to tell Chad any of that.

“Because I love her dumb ass, and that’s the kind of thing you do with people you love, get engaged and shit.” Jared shrugged, taking a huge bite of his burger.

“I’m the one getting it whenever I want, with my live-in girlfriend, while you’re forced to have quite sex a couple of times a week when Sandy can stay over, and I’m the dumbass?” Chad asked around a mouthful of food. “Your logic makes no sense.”

Jared gave his friend the finger, choosing to ignore the comment in favour of demolishing the food in front of him. “I don’t know how anybody could give this up, it’s like fucking heaven.”

Nodding along, Chad took a big bite of the Big Mac in his hands. “Amen to that brother.”

 

***

 

The next day Jared found himself drawn out of his room by the blaring music coming from the room next to his. He’d assumed that everybody had gone to Chris’s show down at The Bourbon, since his band was playing their final gig before their drummer Chance headed out for law school back east. Jared had chosen to stay behind, in order to study for his midterm tests that were coming up, and had assumed that he was the only one in the house.

He hesitated outside the bedroom door in front of him before giving a firm knock. He knew Jensen shared the room next to his, and hadn’t really gotten a chance to talk to him much since that day in the kitchen, but he didn’t want to bother him either.

Jensen opened the door in a disarray, jeans and t-shirt covered in spots of paint and hair all over the place, with a pair of black frames sitting on his face.

“I didn’t know you wore glasses.” Jared said, feeling lame. Now that he’s knocked on the door he really had no idea what he had come over to talk about.

Jensen made a face. “I hate them, but if I wear my contacts for too long they dry up and stick to my eyeballs, which is like the shittiest feeling ever, feels like dry sand under your eyelids.”

Jared grimaced. “Fun times.”

“Oh ya.” Staring at him for a couple of seconds Jensen cocked his head to the side and studied him. “What’s what? Did you need something?”

Need something, need something. Why the fuck did I come over here anyways? Feeling desperate Jared looked over Jensen shoulder into his room. “What’re you up to?”

“Painting,” Jensen grinned, looking down at himself. “Can’t you tell?”

Right, He’d mentioned that he was an artist. “Can I see anything you’re working on?”

Jensen hesitated, then shrugged, stepping out of the way and letting Jared into his room. “Sure, but I’m not finished the one I’m working on, so it’s nothing too impressive.”

Jared looked around the room, taking in the huge bed that took up most of the space, the clothes scattered all around the room in different piles and the stand at the far end of the room with a dark painting sitting on it.

Jensen was right, it wasn’t finished yet.

A dark, almost black background surrounded a shadowed face, that was turned looking off in another direction. Jared was drawn to the figures eyes, so blue they stood out from the rest of the painting, and so sad Jared almost felt a echoing ache in his heart. Vague shapes and figures surrounded the face, clearly half painted, with some spots completely white, paint not even having touched the canvas yet.

“Wow,” turning to face Jensen, Jared gave him a huge smile. “I mean, I don’t know anything about art, but that is good. I’d love to see it when it’s finished. You have a lot of talent.”

Looking smug, Jensen turned to look at his own painting. “I know.”

Startled, Jared gave a small snort. “And not too modest either.”

Jensen grinned. “Why should I be? Modesty is for liars Jared. I know I’m a genius at painting. No matter how fucked my life gets, no matter how much thing can suck at times, I always know that I have painting.” Giving Jared a sideways glace Jensen said, “I might not be good at a lot of things, but this, this I’m brilliant at, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise.”

Looking at Jensen’s painting, Jared couldn’t help but agree. “So is this what you do?” Jared asked. “Sell paintings I mean, for a living?”

“Yep,” Jensen answered. “I also do commissions for murals and different thing around the city. Have you been to the airport recently?”

Confused at the non sequidor Jared took a couple of second to answer. “Uh, ya a couple of months ago, to visit my family down south in San Antonio, why?”

“Did you notice the new paintings on display? They’re scattered around the airport. And the new sculpture in the main entrance?”

Jared thought back. “You mean that gigantic horse in the front entrance, ya I saw it.” Shooting Jensen a startled glace he asked, “wait, was that you, did you make that stuff. That thing is awesome!”

“Yep.” Jensen stood there, looking smug again. “I did a couple of commission pieces for a friend of my professor, and he liked my work so much he bragged about me to all his high brow friends. Got me the job to spice up the airport last summer.”

Jared couldn’t help but be impressed. “Dude, that’s awesome.”

Suddenly looking away from him Jensen scratched the back of his head, a flush spreading out over his face. “If you want to see some of my work, I’m having a gallery opening in a couple of months, you’ll be able to see all my stuff then.”

Jared stared at Jensen. “Are you blushing?” He asked with a laugh. “Mister, ‘I don’t need modesty because I’m a genius’ is blushing!”

If anything, Jensen got even redder. “Fuck off, do you want to come or not?”

Looking over at Jensen, who still refused to look at him, Jared realized the other man felt shy. He is too cute, Jared thought. Loves to brag about his work, but gets shy about asking me to see it? He’s adorable.

“You’re adorable,” he said aloud, with a teasing smile upon his lips, ignoring the scowl the other man shot him. “I’ll be the first one there, I know these things always come with free food and drinks.”

Jensen laughed. “You’re gonna have to fight Chris for the food, he’s always staking it out at those things.”

“I can take him.”

Giving him a once over, Jensen slowly looked him up and down, “I’d say.”

Suddenly feeling hot, Jared tuned back to the painting. “So this is how you pay for school and everything? With your paintings and stuff?”

Looking awkward Jensen shrugged. “Nah, I have a scholarship for that. That’s the whole reason I came here.” He let out a small laugh. “Chris just kinda followed me up north, said he didn’t want to miss out on the fun. I’m almost done anyways, one more semester, and I’m already doing what I want to do anyways.” He turned to look Jared in the eyes, and it was obvious that he didn’t want to talk about it. “It’s pretty hard to hold on a steady job anyways, with my condition. Paintings prefect for me, I set my own hours and don’t have to worry about my dissociation fucking up my job.”

Looking at Jensen standing awkwardly in front of him, Jared felt bad for making Jensen talk about his problem again. “That’s lucky,” He said brightly. “I’m on a scholarship myself, finishing up my journalism degree.” He made a pathetic face. “I’m going to be broke for the next ten years, I swear. Journalism? Turns out it’s not the money maker I thought it would be.”

Jensen smiled. “Better not tell your fiancé that man. That’s not one to impress the ladies.”

“Sandy loves me despite the fact that I’m destined to be a poor journalist for the rest of my life,” Jared said seriously. “She’s using me for my body.”

“Hey,” Jensen said suddenly. “Was I bothering you with my music? I use it to get in the mood, since I’m finishing up this painting for a class project, but you have midterm right?”

Jared waved it away. “I needed a break anyways, all I’ve been doing for the last two weeks is studying, my brains fried.”

“I have the perfect solution,” Jensen replied, with a mischievous look on his face. “I am the king of Guitar Hero, you wanna test your luck and try and beat me?

Jared snorted, following Jensen down the stairs to the living room. “Prepare to be dethroned. The king is dead, long live the king. I broke my leg last year and spent three weeks straight at my place practicing that game, I am a master.”

‘Looser buys dinner tonight?”

“You’re on,” Jared replied.

Tossing Jared a smug look over his shoulder Jensen said, “just to let you know, I like my pizza with pepperoni and mushroom. You can order it for me later after I kick your ass.”

Oh, bitch was going down.

 

***

 

Jared had met Sandy through one of Chad’s ex girlfriends. They’d been working together at the local Starbucks. Chad had met her when going to visit his girl at work, and had claimed that when he met Sandy he knew she was perfect for him.

Considering his girlfriend of the time was named Candy and he’d met her at her night job at Milligan’s, the closest strip bar to campus, Jared had had his doubts about Chad’s judgment in women.

Despite his doubts Sandy had turned out to be a very sweet girl that was easy on the eye’s and even easier to talk to. Talking to Sandy is something that has never been difficult for him, which is why when he tells her about Jensen he doesn’t think anything of it.

What he forgot to consider is that she’s getting her doctorate in Psychology.

“You’re living with someone who has DID?” she asked, fascinated. “I’ve never had a chance to meet someone with that condition, do you think he would be up to talking to me about it?”

Jared felt slightly uncomfortable and wasn’t sure why. If Sandy was going to be spending time around the house it was obvious that Jared would need to tell her about Jensen. He just didn’t want to treat Jensen like someone to be examined and analysed, and he got the vibe from Jensen that he didn’t really like to talk about his condition very much.

“I don’t think so babe,” Jared answered. “Jensen seems like a pretty private person, I don’t think he’d really want to talk about it with someone he doesn’t know. I got the feeling that he doesn’t really socialize that much. At least not with people he doesn’t live with,” Jared clarified. “It might make him feel uncomfortable.”

Sandy pouted. “Well I wouldn’t want to make things awkward for you guys.” She sighed. “I’m focusing on children psychology anyways, I just thought it would be interesting to talk to him about it.”

Shifting closer to him she moved until she could swing her leg over him, then sat down in his lap and put her arms around his waist. “Now. You said you’re roommates are out right?” she murmured, kissing him softly on the lips. “Maybe we can have some fun while they’re out of the house.”

“And that’s your cue to head to the bedroom,” Chris interrupted, walking in from the kitchen and throwing himself onto the couch opposite from them with a huge sigh. “Walking in on one roommate in the thrusting position was one too many times for me thanks. Misha’s scarred me for life already, let’s keep the therapy inducing episodes to a minimum.”

“Hey,” Jared smiled, sliding Sandy off his lap and pulling her next to him. “When did you guys get back?”

“Just now, everybody was supposed to meet at the Steve’s an hour ago, but I decided to avoid World War Three and came home. I left Misha sucking face with some chick, so he’s probably not gonna be back home anytime soon, the little slut,” Chris grinned.

“What happened?” asked Sandy.

“J happened, that’s what. He showed up instead of Jensen,” he explained. “Him and Danneel, REALLY don’t get along. Every time they’re in the same room a cat fight breaks out.”

“That’s cuz she’s a crazy bitch,” said a voice from behind them.

Standing behind them stood Jensen, looking totally different from how Jared had ever seen him before.

Gliding across the room towards them he also moved differently from anyway Jared had seen before.

He didn’t walk. He paraded. Sashayed. Slunk. Or was it slinked? Whatever it was, he did it.

Swaying his hips softly with each step, he moved in a way that seemed to emphasize the lean cut of his body. His jean’s hugged him tight in all the right places and his black v-neck shirt stuck to him like a second skin.

It was...quite a shirt. Clearly meant to show skin, it was cut raggedly at the bottom, showing off his belly button.

Jared looked at him, taking in the cigarette dangling from one slim hand, and the smell of booze drifting off of him and came to the conclusion that he must be looking at J.

“You can’t get mad at her for wanting to keep Jensen’s cock in his pants,” Chris said to J, exasperated.

J pouted. “I can when it interrupts my fun.”

Pausing over at the coffee table next to Chris, J took one last puff of his cigarette, and stubbed it out on the ash tray.

Chris wrinkled his nose, obviously able to smell the alcohol on J now that he’d drifted closer. “You’re drunk.”

J grinned. “I am aglow.”

With a sigh, J slid onto the couch and turned to him, acknowledging him for the first time. “What about you big boy? Want to help me have a little fun?”

Surprised by the unexpected offer Jared turned to face J and ended up closer than expected. Face to face, Jared was so close to J their lips were almost brushing. This close up, he noticed that J had put on eyeliner, highlighting the colour of his eyes.

He had very green eyes.

J licked his lips, drawing Jared’s attention to the tongue sliding so close to his own mouth. “I bet you’re just—big—all—over,” he whispered, sending a small shiver through Jared’s body as each word puffed a breath of hot air against his lips.

Pressed too close to Jared’s side not to have felt his reaction, Sandy tensed. She shot J an incredulous look. “I’m am sitting right here you know, I can hear everything you’re saying.”

“So?” J asked, sounding bored.

“So,” Sandy mocked. “He’s taken, I am his girlfriend.”

Jared winces, Sandy had never been able to handle jealously gracefully. She was one of the sweetest people he had ever met, but if she felt saw anybody moving in on what she had once jokingly referred to as “her territory” she could bring up the bitch with the best of them.

“God!” J moaned. “What is it with everybody and labels? First Danneel, now you.” He leaned back, flopping down on the couch farther away from Jared. “I’m too pretty to be restricted to just one person,” he sulked.

Looking over at J, face flushed pink with alcohol and his ridiculously tight shirt riding up, exposing his well defined stomach, Jared couldn’t help but agree.

“Well, not everybody can be an indiscriminate slut J, some people actually like commitment,” Chris teased.

“I know! What is wrong with everybody?” J grumbled. “And to be stuck with pussy.” He shuddered, obviously referring to Danneel. “I’d sooner fuck a pig.”

“Why don’t you go work off some steam in your room,” Chris suggested, giving a wave towards the stairs.

Then tone was light, but Jared could tell he was firm on the idea when he didn’t look away from J until the other man stood up with a huff.

Blowing Jared a parting kiss, J gave Chris the finger and bounced up the stairs.

“Work off steam?” Jared asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Paint.” He explained. “It’s probably one of the only things that J and Jensen have in common.” Chris paused. “Well that and a penchant for cock.”

Jared choked. “But what about Danneel?”

“He’s bi.”

“Oh.” Feeling like an idiot Jared blushed. With so much emphasis on being either gay or straight, even in the gay community, he sometimes felt like he was one of the only people that identified as bisexual, and in turn didn’t take it into consideration much when thinking about other people’s sexual orientations.

“I think that’s why Danneel feels so threatened by J.” Chris went on to say. “He’s like this whole other side of Jensen that she won’t ever be able to satisfy, and since she knows that he has some of the same feelings, she can get pretty defensive.”

“But they’re like two different people right?”

“Ya, they’re like two different people, but Jensen and all his alters make up different pieces of Jensen. Remember, Jensen has less than a whole personality, not more than one.” That said, Chris stood up and headed off up the stairs.

 

***

 

Blinking softly at the brush in his hand, Jensen swayed on his feet and looked around in confusion. Dropping the brush, he stumbled over to his bed and collapsed face first onto it.

I’m drunk, he thought. Again.

“You ok J?”

Turning his face to look at the door, Jensen gave small groan. “Elvis has left the building.”

“Jensen,” sounding relived, Chris sat down on the bed next to him, sliding his hands through Jensen’s hair.

“I’m drunk as fuck,” he said.

“Mmm, J showed up.” Chris said to the unspoken question. “What happened?”

Oh course. Turning over on the bed, Jensen looked down at the tight clothes covering his body. The only time he found himself wearing such skanky clothing is when his inner slut came out. At least I didn’t fuck anybody, he though.

I think.

“Did I fuck anybody?”

“Nope,” Chris replied cheerfully. “J was as horny and sulky as ever. He’s been a little bitch since you decided not to have sex with anybody but Danneel.”

“Good.”

“So?”

“So, what?”

“ What happened?” Chris asked, slapping him upside the head.

Jensen grunted, staring up at the ceiling. “I had to meet with my client, Mrs. Parihar.”

“Mrs. My Two Greatest Inspirations are Martha Stewart and Hitler?”

“Yep.” God his ceiling was boring. He should really do something about that. Maybe paint something interesting on it. Ohhhh The Big Bang, that would be kinda cool. “She hated my work, said that I made her walls look like a cheap rundown bordello.”

Chris winced. “Ouch.”

“Yep. Kinda pissed me off, considering I painted the exact, the exact, boring shit she told me to paint.” Sometimes Jensen wished he didn’t have to interact with other people. They always chose to prove themselves to be a waste of space. It’s why he found himself avoiding anybody that didn’t involve his art, or live in his house. Fucking bitch.

“Jared and Sandy met J.”

Great. Feeling embarrassed Jensen turned to look at Chris. “How bad was he?”

“Eh,” Chris shrugged. “He hit on Jared and kinda pissed Sandy off, nothing big.”

“I’m surprised he didn’t get on his knees and offer to blow him,” Jensen muttered.

Jared was just J’s type. Big. Big everywhere, with broad shoulders and a face so handsome Jensen was totally not surprised someone had already snatched him up long ago. People that good looking are never single for long.

Chris laughed. “J’s not that bad. He’s been behaving himself pretty well ever since you starting you’re thing with Danneel, and even if the mention of pussy seems to gross the shit out of him, he’s been making sure not to piss off Danneel too much.”

“And Sandy’s cool?”

“She’s fine. I think she’s studying to be a psychiatrist or some shit. If anybody would understand it should be her.”

Great, just what he needed. More therapists in his life.

God save me from my friends, I can protect myself from my enemies.

 

***

 

“How’s everything been at the house since your new roommate arrived?”

Jensen hates these sessions.

“Peachy, just yesterday we all got together and knit each other sweaters. Mine was blue.”

Dr. Orson didn’t blink, just sat in his chair watching Jensen with an open, friendly look on his face. That was the one thing that bothered him the most, Orson trying to pretend that they were friends. He got paid to listen to Jensen talk about his screwed up life, and Jensen was supposed to follow his ‘advice.’ End of story.

Bitch needs to realize he’s as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party, said a deep voice, and for once Jensen was in full agreement with his alters.

Instead he was stuck coming here four times a week with Orson trying to bond with him, like just because Jensen told him things he wouldn’t tell anybody else that made them friends.

Jensen only told him his problems because he didn’t want his friends to have to deal with his shit.

“What about the alters, are they adjusting to the new presence in their life?”

Jensen sighed. “It’s actually been a really good month. Bo and J have only come out once each in Jared’s presence, and Jack hasn’t been around at all.”

Dr. Orson leaned forward. “That is a good month. Why do you think that is? The last time you had a new roommate move in, your alters were popping up every second day.”

Jensen frowned. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I get along with Jared so much easier than I did Tom at first. We clicked really fast, after the first awkward meeting,” he explained.

“How is Jared handling everything?”

“Weirdly well actually,” Jensen confessed. “I think he finds me interesting, but doesn’t really know what to make of me.”

“And what did Bo think of Jared?”

“Well you know Bo, he likes to piss people off. They haven’t really met properly though, so I’m not too sure.” Jensen said.

“And J?”

Jensen slouched in his chair, embarrassed, because that meeting was the one thing he had dreaded ever since he met Jared in the kitchen that first day, and it had turned out pretty much how he expected. There had been no denying the fact that Jared as...attractive. He was very attractive, with his long dark hair, broad shoulders and dark California tan.

Jared had taken to working out in the relaxation room, lifting free weights and doing sit ups and push ups. Jensen sometime joined him, but found himself distracted from his own work out by starring at the way Jared’s muscles flexed and shifted when he moved. So no, there was no denying that Jared was gorgeous. Jensen wasn’t ashamed to admit when another man was attractive, but J revelled in it.

“He pretty much offered himself up on a platter,” he muttered.

“Has this created any tension between the two of you?”

“You mean other than the tension in J’s dick?”

Dr. Orson ignored the comment, “Yes, other than that tension,” he said dryly.

“Nope. He hasn’t even mentioned it.”

Dr. Orson nodded. “Ok then, before we end for the day I wanted to talk to you about the program I was telling you about the other day.”

 

Jensen groaned. Not this again. “Listen doc, I told you before, I’ve done programs like these when I was younger. They promise and they promise that they’ll help me integrate me and my alters, and every time I leave they just pop up again.”

“This is a new program, new shock treatments, group th—“

“Group therapy,” Jensen interpreted. “This sounds like what I did before! It didn’t work then, and it won’t work now.”

“I just want you to consider it. This program is not some miracle cure, but it might help you with recovering some of your past memories. That is the reason you told me you wanted to start up therapy again to begin with. But with you being so uncooperative in our sessions, I feel like this is the only option for you.”

“I’m not going to do it doc,” Jensen said. “I’m done with all that, I’m just trying to live my life now, as normally as I can, and that won’t happen being stuck in some hospital, surrounded by padded walls.”

“Then work with me Jensen.” Giving him a pleading look Dr Orson looked him straight in his eyes. “You won’t ever be able to heal for the future unless you are willing to look into your past.”

“I’m trying, but this isn’t as easy as just talking about my childhood,” Jensen said, feeling frustrated. There were blanks all over his childhood and teenage years that he couldn’t even remember enough to talk about in the first place.

He didn’t want to look into his past. He knew there was a reason he didn’t remember it, and he was afraid that if he pushed himself, he might really find out what had happened to him so long ago.

Jensen had a feeling it would cause him more pain than any of his alters had even done.

He wished everybody would stop and realize, something had broken him a long time ago, and nothing is ever going to be able to put him back together again.

 

***

 

Roommates House, UBC

October 2008

 

Taking a swig of his beer, Jared sat back in his lawn chair and watched Danneel and Jensen bicker over whose turn it was to fry the steaks on the barbeque.

Already decked out in an apron proclaiming that “At least he was good in bed,” which he had thought absolutely hilarious, if his attempt to show it to everybody earlier today had anything to say, Jensen kept hip checking his girlfriend in an attempt to get her away from the grill.

Those two confused the hell out of Jared. If it wasn’t for the marathon sex sessions Jared couldn’t help overhearing he would think they were strictly friends. Misha had told him this was because Jensen wasn’t one for ‘labels’.

For all any of them knew, Jensen and Danneel were friends who had decided to stick to fucking only each other, and any attempt to call Danneel Jensen’s girlfriend sent the man into a commitment phobic panic.

Jared knew. He’d tried it himself just the other day. He’d also come to regret it, after spending the next half an hour listening to Jensen rant about why labelling a relationship was conforming to society’s need to stereotype people and their relationships, thus trapping people into doomed relationship filled with cultural rules that made sure to fuck over every man in it.

In the month since moving in, and two weeks since Jared finally got Jensen to stop avoiding everyone in the house, Jared thought it as all going pretty good. Despite Chad’s doubts on the matter, he found himself getting along with everyone in the house just fine. Once Chris had seen that him and Jensen were finally on speaking terms he’d amped up the friendly, joining him and Danneel when they’d watch reality TV and heckle the contestants (something that they found themselves doing on an almost nightly basis—America’s Next Top Model was addicting).

Danneel was as easy to get along with as ever, and Misha, despite prior claims, was a really cool guy. Just last week he’d noticed that Jared had been piling his books up on the floor, because there wasn’t enough room on his desk, and when Jared came back from school that afternoon, he found a new shelf built into his wall with all his books neatly laid out on it.

But the most surprising factor of moving into the house was Jensen.

In the two weeks that he’d been talking to him, Jared had found that Jensen was the one he got along with better than anyone in the house. He hadn’t clicked with anyone so fast since freshman year with Chad. He didn’t know if it was because they both grew up with similar backgrounds, or because they were both obsessed with the same video games, or even that they both loved to make the roommates stay up and watch crappy B grade horror movies. Either way, Jared found himself spending more and more time with the guy as the days wore on.

“Misha is sucking your girl into his tangled web. If you don’t watch out she’s gonna end up dragging you to his protests.”

Looking up from his bottle of beer Jared turned to look at where Jensen was pointing. Sure enough, Sandy was sitting at the outdoor table while Misha talked to her rapidly, with sharp gestures emphasising his words every couple of seconds.

Jensen collapsed next to him with a sigh.

“Sandy learned after dragging me to a musical and having me snore through the entire thing that it’s better to let me appreciate her interests from afar.” Nodding over at the barbeque, were Danneel was cooking up a storm, he asked, “She kick you off the grill again?”

Jensen looked over at him mournfully. “Dude, how am I supposed to healthy exert my male ego if I keep getting kicked off of the barbeque by a girl!”

“Are you sure you haven’t been spending too much time with Misha?”

“Fuck you,” Jensen laughed. “I was totally excited to get to wear my awesome apron and now I look like a tool while Danneel fries up the food.”

“Ok, can I please enjoy the irony of you getting kicked off barbeque duty while wearing an apron the proclaims you a bad cook, and you still being upset about it?” Grabbing a beer from the cooler beside him he cracked it open and passes it to Jensen.

“Ohh PBR, Jared you beautiful man, I love you.” Choosing to ignore any references to his questionable cooking skills he settled happily into his chair. “If this is the cost of being kicked off cooking duty I will bravely pay the price.”

“Careful now, with talk like that I’m tempted to sweep you off your feet, and I just can’t go breaking Sandy’s heart like that, she’d be lost without me.” Giving a dramatic sigh Jared falls back into his chair.

Jensen leers, “What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.”

“Unlucky for you, I know all,” Danneel interrupts. “Now come help me pass out these stakes. You know Jared only dates the pretty ones, you don’t want to get your hopes up.” She moved back over to the barbeque, parting with a slap upside Jensen’s head.

Jensen tuned to face Jared. “Do you see what I have to put up with? Abuse all around. I need to join some kind of support group or something, before she gives me an inferiority complex.”

Watching Jensen walk away Jared wondered how that could be possible, when people that looked like Jensen were the reason inferiority complexes existed.

 

***

 

A couple of days later Chris came to Jared for some help.

“It’s for my band,” he explained. “Me and my buddy Steve are holding auditions for a new drummer, but it can get kind of rowdy, so we wanted you and Jensen to help keep the assholes in line.

“Why don’t you just set it up by appointment?” Jared asked.

“Too complicated man. Me and Steve just decided to post fliers around campus advertising the time and place, and the auditions would be more of a ‘first come first serve’ basis.” Chris just looked at him. “So will you help?”

“Of course man,” Jared said. “As long as you promise to let me into your next show for free.”

Chris laughed. “You got yourself a deal son.”

 

***

 

“Holy shit, Chris wasn’t joking about keeping the assholes in line huh?” asked Jared as he pushed another guy—Patrick Jennings, going by the audition roaster— starting a fight, out of line.

“And don’t bother coming back,” he called after the guy. “You’re not getting in as long as I’m in charge!”

The asshole gave him the middle finger, “You’re going to regret that you faggot!”

He backed up a little when Jared turned to him and glazed silently down at him. He damn well knew that the combination of his height and poker face could make grown men shake in their boots and run away.

Being really tall rocked like that.

Sure enough, flipping him off one last time—thirty feet away—the little asshole turned tail and ran.

Jensen turned to look at Jared. “Letting the power get to your head?”

“Hey man, if he had patiently waited in line like everybody else, I wouldn’t have had to do that.” Jared defended himself. “Assholes like that get bored and start a fight. Chris wouldn’t want a douchbag like that in his band anyways.”

“Calm down man,” Jensen laughed. “I would have done the same thing. If I had to hear him yell at us to hurry the line up one more time, I was gonna shove your clipboard down his throat..”

Jared looked at Jensen, dressed in a fitted sweater over a dress shirt, his jeans pressed and clean, not a hair out of place, and smirked. “That I would pay to see.”

Jensen looked at him in mock outrage. “Are you trying to call me a pussy? I have more guts in my baby finger,” he said, holding up said finger for emphasis. “Then you do in that entire gigantic body.”

“I wouldn’t want you to mess up your outfit pretty boy, I do know how you like to stay presentable for your woman.”

“Oh so now you’re making jokes about being whipped?” asked Jensen. “It’s on bitch.”

Jared just grinned.

One hour later, the auditions were winding down, Jared was official bored, and Jensen had yet to burn him bad enough in retaliation.

“You realize this is just because I’m too awesome for you to come up with any significant insults in regards to my complete and utter awesomeness.”

“I don’t think that even made any sense,” Jensen muttered.

A loud angry voice interrupted anything Jared could have said. “I told you, you were going to regret it dickhead!”

Jared had barely enough time to turn around and see the asshole he’d kicked out of the audition before he got a bat in the ribs. Hitting the ground hard he look up to see Patrick punch Jensen in the face, causing the other man stumble back a couple of feet and hit the wall. Brining his bat up again he gripped it tight as if prepared to swing it again, but when Jensen looked up at him from where he’d fallen, Patrick stopped.

Pushing himself off of the wall, Jensen looked up at Patrick with a cold look in his eyes.

Wiping the blood from the corner of his mouth, he spit once on the ground, right by Patrick’s feet, and then rolled his shoulders. “You do not know what you have just done.”

Jared could see something was different right away. The way he held himself, the look in his eyes, something had changed in Jensen in that one instant, and Jared realized it wasn’t Jensen he was staring at anymore.

Patrick both didn’t realize, and didn’t care. “I’ve just hit a faggot in his pretty little face,” he responded. “And now I’m going to do it again.”

“Did you just call me a faggot?”

Slightly unnerved by the cold tone in Jensen’s voice Jared got to his feet and stumbled a little further back from the confrontation. Sliding along the wall he tried to get behind the asshole, who seemed to have not noticed him get up. Maybe if Jensen kept him distracted long enough Jared could get the jump on him from behind.

“Hey if the dick fits,” grinning slightly Patrick twirled his bat in his hands and pointed it at Jensen. “Now I’m going to show you what I do to people who disrespect me.”

“No son,” Cracking his knuckles Jensen started over towards the bat wielding idiot. “Now I’m going to show you want I do to assholes who disrespect me.”

Faster than Jared had been prepared for, Jensen darted towards the asshole and grabbed the bat. Ripping it from Patrick’s grip, he quickly turned the bat around and connected it with the idiots head.

“Holy shit!” Jared cried out as their opponent fell to the floor on his hands and knees.

“I have met a lot of stupid shits in my day, and you’re not even the worst. Too bad for you I don’t have the patients for any of you.” Tossing the bat to the side, he kicked the guy in the ribs twice in quick succession.

“And I ain’t got no sympathy for anybody who accuses me of being a shirt lifter.” Grabbing Patrick by the hair, who was moaning and barley conscious, Jensen brought his knee up into his face, breaking the assholes nose and knocking him out, all in one go.

“Holy shit Jensen, you better stop, I think he’s done.” Snapping out of his shock, Jared gabbed Jensen by the arms and dragged him away from the guy.

Jensen just looked at him. “The names Bo, not Jensen. I ain’t no college boy, and I don’t like to be mistaken for one.”

Backing off Jared held his hands up as a peace offering. “Ok man, that’s cool, I just meant that it was better to stop then before you did any further damage.”

Bo grinned meanly. “I was just teaching him some manners.” Looking over at Patrick, who was passed out in an undignified heap a few feet away, he spit at him again. “Some people just ain’t been brought up right.”

“Holyyyyy shit who beat the fuck out of Patrick?” Looking over at the back doors, stood Chris, Steve and a third blond man Jared didn’t recognize.

“That would be Rambo over there,” Jared said, jerking him thumb at Bo.

“God damnit Bo, how many times do I have to tell you not to pick fights,” moaned Chris.

“That little bitch disrespected me,” Bo said harshly.

“Ya man,” Jared said, backing him up. “He came back with a bat after I kicked him out of line for being an asshole, looking to beat the shit out of us.” Wincing at the pain on his side, he added, “got me right in the ribs too.”

Slapping him right on his injury Bo grinned. “Oh you’re fine, you giant pussy. Every man needs a couple battle scars to impress the ladies.”

Wincing at the slap, Jared smiled weakly in return. He couldn’t help but examine the man in front of him. Everything about the way Bo held himself was different from Jensen, his stance a little wider, his expression sterner. He chose that moment to take off Jensen’s fitted sweater. With a look a disgust he tossed it at Jared, unbuttoned a couple of buttons of his shirt and relaxed into a stance completely different from what Jared had ever seen on Jensen.

It was starting to freak him out.

“He’s going to be fine anyways,” Bo said in disgust. “He didn’t put up much of a fight. Nobody knows how to give as good as they get anymore.” Gone was the smooth voice with just a hint of a Texas drawl that coated Jensen words, replaced by a flat nasal twang, making his words seem much more harsh and low.

“Who’s the extra?” Asked Bo, gesturing towards the unknown man.

Putting his arm around him Chris grinned. “This is our new drummer, Brock Kelly. Brock, this is Jared and Bo.”

“Fuckin’ finally!” Bo cried. “I wassa’ bout to die of boredom. Let’s get some beers and celebrate this shit.”

Bo clapped Jared on the shoulder and then headed towards the bar the auditions had been held at. “Come on, I’ll tell you bout the time me and Chris beat the shit out of these three skins heads back in high school. A beautiful thing, let me tell you.”

Thank you God. Alcohol sounded like just what he needed right now. Looking over at the asshole on the ground, Jared noticed be was beginning to come around again and was being helped up by Steve and Brock. Fuck, let someone else deal with it.

Shrugging Jared followed Bo into the bar.

“Great, now we’ll never get him to shut up,” Chris muttered.

 

***

 

Somehow, they’d moved from the bar, where Bo had insisted on a shot contest among the four of them, to the pool hall down the street. Jared had to assume it was a calculated move on Bo’s part, because they’d been playing for two hours, and Bo was two hundred dollars richer, while everybody else was significantly poorer.

Jared himself had given up trying to beat Bo at the game half an hour ago, and had proceeded to sit back and watch Chris try and win some of his dignity back.

So far it wasn’t working.

Smiling he turned to look at Steve. They’d been hanging out all night and he hadn’t said more than ten words to Jared. Actually he hadn’t said much to anybody that night.

The man acted like every word he said cost five dollars, and he only had a twenty in his pocket.

“So you’ve been friends with Chris and Jensen a long time right?” Jared asked.

Steve shot him a glance, and just grunted in confirmation.

“Has Jensen ever played with you guys?” Jared was curious. Jensen didn’t seem one to enjoy the attention of a crowd full of people all at once, but Jared had heard him singing in the shower, and the boy could sing.

“Nope.” Steve seemed to laugh with amusement. “But whenever J shows up to our shows he really enjoys inserting himself into the act. If we don’t let him get on stage and sing, he’ll just get on the bar and go at it right there.”

A whole sentence, that was more words than Steve had spoken to him all night. Jared felt himself fill with a feeling of accomplishment, and because he was physically incapable of keeping his mouth shut, he had to bring it up.

“You’re actually taking to me! For a while there I wasn’t sure you liked me.” Giving Steve a smile Jared took a sip of his beer.

Instead of giving the laugh that Jared had been hoping for, Steve tore his eyes from Chris and Bo and turned to study Jared. Up close, Steve’s eyes seemed to radiate intensity, as he continued to examine Jared, seemingly looking for something. After a minute his eyes soften and he gave a small smirk.

“I always get a little wary about new people in Jensen’s life.” At this point he turned back to watch Bo hit the eight ball into a corner pocket and win the game. Steve laughed, low pitch and deep, when Bo proceeded to bend over and smack his own ass, taunting Chris, who stood grumbling a few feet away, counting out the last of his money.

“A lot of people fear what they don’t understand, and Jensen has had more than one potential friend turn away from him because of his condition.” Steve said. “But I have a feeling you’re not one of them, are you?” He asked, smiling at Jared.

“Nope,” Jared agreed. “He’s stuck with me.”

“Well ain’t that just so beautiful, I might just cry a little tear.” Standing behind them, Bo gave a small sniffle. Turning to Jared he gave him a look of wide eyed earnestness. “I feel closer to you already.”

Jared blushed. “Shut up!” Standing up he wrapped his arm around Bo’s shoulder’s and pulled him in close. “You love me, admit it, lying to yourself is not the answer.”

Giving him an amused smirk Bo pushed him away. “You’re not so bad, for a bean sprout.” Grabbing Jared by the shoulders he steered him towards the bar. “Now come on, next thing I know you’re gonna be asking for us to hug it out or some shit. I got a bottle of Jack with my name on it over there, and I saw a sweet looking blond looking just the right amount of lonely by the bar earlier.”

He shot Jared dirty a looking leer, “She might just have a friend.”

“Oh? And what would Danneel think of that? I thought you weren’t supposed to sleep with anybody else?”

Bo waved his hand in dismissal. “We’re not gonna fuck ‘em. I wouldn’t ever hear the end of it if I did. But young girls are such sluts now a days, give ‘em enough to drink and they’ll be all over each other and giving you a show faster than you can say rug muncher.”

Jared laughed incredulously. “All rightly then.”

Bo winked. “I know all the loop holes.”

 

***

 

“Dude, he actually got them to go at it right there in the pool hall!” Jared shook his head. “By the end of the night both chicks were so drunk Chris had to pull them apart before they got us all kicked out of the place.”

Jensen actually felt a stab of disappointment, it wasn’t everyday that you got to see two girls dry hump one another in public. “God, I always miss the best bits.”

Jared smiled at the memory. “Yah.” 

“Pig.” Shaking his head Jensen flipped through Jared’s iPod. Madonna? Scissor Sisters? This is the gayest playlist I’ve ever seen.

“Like your one to talk dude, I’ve been in your room. You have like, the largest collection of porn I have ever seen in my life.”

“Most of those are Bo’s.” Turning over Jensen flipped on his back so his feet were up against the wall and his head hung off Jared’s bed. Pointing the iPod at the stereo in the far corner he hit play.

I Don’t Feel Like Dancing by Scissor Sisters began to play. 

“Gay.” Jensen stated. “This is so, so gay.”

“Again, you’re one to talk.” Jared said, throwing a sock at him from across the room, where he was sprawled on his bean bag chair. “And you can’t tell me that you don’t look at that shit.”

Jensen shrugged. “I’m a healthy boy. Gotta get my aggression out somehow.”

I know one way we can get our aggression out, and it doesn’t involve porn. Jensen ignored the voice laughing at him.

“Dude, you have like, fifteen different films dedicated to deep throating alone.”

Jensen smirked. “Oh ya. The best is when Danny let’s me put on one of those on and sucks me off.” He groaned. “Best Thing. Ever.”

Jensen loved watching porn while having sex. In the past, he’s always thought it was a weird thing to do. What was the point of watching porn when you have a totally hot chick going down on you in real life? But Danny had introduced him to the concept early on in their relationship—said it made her feel hot—and Jensen couldn’t help but agree. Naked porn star. Naked Danny. Blow job.

What was there not to love?

Realizing that Jared had been silent for a little too long, Jensen flipped around to look at Jared.

“Are you blushing?” Pushing himself up on his elbows Jensen laughed in disbelief.

“No, shut the fuck up.” Jared just turned darker shade of red in his embarrassment.

“You have Chad as a best friend, who, from the stories you tell me, is a complete horn dog, and you’re blushing about that?” Jared amused him so much sometimes.

Jared gave a small laugh. “I know. It’s just. Ok look, for a much as Chad loves to talk about, porn and pussy and what kind of sex toy he’d want to try out. He never talks about the girls he’s been with.” Jared made a face. “He thinks it’s like, disrespectful or something. So I’ve never really heard anybody talk about their girlfriend, you know, like that.”

“Ok, first of all, not my girlfriend. I don’t do girlfriends.”

“You keep telling yourself that buddy, maybe it’ll come true.”

Jensen ignored him. “And second of all, are you telling me that you never talk about your sex life with your friends? What about people other than Chad?”

Jared sputtered. “Who? My brother? Sofia? Dude, I thought you would have noticed by now, even you, with all your self-proclaimed freakishness, have more friends than I do.”

Jensen stared at him, aghast. “We are going to fix this right now. Talking about sex is like, one the greatest things a friendship is based on.”

“Really?”

“Well, no. But it’s fun.” Jensen said. “Ok. Well, how is it?”

“How is what?”

Jesus save him. “Your sex life man. How’s the sex between you and Sandy?”

“I can’t tell you that!”

“Of course you can. Like, I’ll tell you right now, sex between me and Danneel is off the fucking charts. Best sex I’ve ever had with a girl. Period.” Jensen grinned. “She freaking loves to experiment.”

Jared glared at him. “This is so embarrassing.”

“Well?”

“It’s good, ok! Awesome!”

“Hmm.”

“Hmm? What does hmm mean?” Jared was beginning to look pissed off.

“Nothing!” Jensen laughed. “It’s just, you said that a little too forcefully. I’m thinking there’s something you’re dissatisfied with.”

“I can’t believe we’re talking about this.”

“Come one. Tell me what it is.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Don’t be a little bitch. Tell me what it is.”

“Fine.”

Jared still hadn’t returned to his natural colour. Jensen was loving this.

“It’s just. She doesn’t.” Jared seemed to have trouble getting the words out. “She doesn’t like to do that. You know. What you where talking about.”

Jensen was confused. “What?”

“She doesn’t blow me ok?”

“Never?”

“Yes, never.”

“She’s never given you a blow job, ever, in your life.”

“God! Are you deaf? No, never.”

This was the weirdest shit Jensen had ever heard. “Have you ever gotten a blow job?”

Jared scowled. “Of course. I wasn’t a freaking virgin when I met her ok? I just haven’t gotten one since we’ve been together.”

“That is the saddest thing I have ever heard in my life.” Jensen loved blowjobs. He not only loved getting them, he loved giving them. If there was one thing that Jensen hated about his thing with Danny, is that he didn’t get to suck dick.

He liked everything about sucking dick. The taste. The feel. The smell (well, usually). Last year he went through a slut phase were he decided to suck off every guy hot enough to fuck. Granted, not many guys ended up being worthy enough to get it, but when Jensen decided to give a blow job, he did it right. Deep throating had become one of his greatest skills.

God, he was getting hard just thinking about it right now.

“Dude.” Staring at him wide eyed, Jared was the reddest Jensen had ever seen him.

Shit. “Did I say all of that out loud?”

“Yes!” Jared said, very loudly.

Well, that’s one way to embarrass the shit out of yourself. “Well there you go.” Jensen said, aiming, and failing spectacularly, for casual. “I can talk about my sex life just fine.”

Jared burst out laughing. “You are really something else Jensen, you know that?”

He grinned. “I try.”

 

***

 

November 2008

 

The first time Jared meets Jack it’s the middle of exam season. Everyone was in the middle of studying for Mid-terms and Jared has never seen Jensen so stressed out before. The only times he sees him is when he heads out for class or comes out of his room for food, all of his other free time is spent on his art or study for his elective classes.

Jared hadn’t thought much of it, his exams had finished a couple of days ago, and he’d been taking advantage of the small break in the semester to hang out with Sandy more. Sandy had come over for the day to hang out at the house, and he and Chris had unabashedly taken advantage of her kindness and guilted her into cooking them dinner.

“I’ve been starving baby!” Jared pleaded with her. “All I’ve had to eat is granola bars and Cheetos. Chris can’t cook for shit and the others are too busy studying to pay attention to little things like not starving to death.” Giving her a full dose of what his mother had coined, The Puppy Dog Eye’s of Doom, he added, “I’m not opposed to taking making this an exchange,” wiggling his eyebrows at her. “If you take payment out in trade.”

Looking at the two of them pleading in front of her, looking totally pathetic, Sandy couldn’t help but give into them. Which is how they had ended sitting at the kitchen table half an hour later, finishing up two enormous plates of spaghetti when Jensen scurried into the kitchen, hunched over with a panicked look in his eyes.

Eyes lighting up at the sight of the large pot of spaghetti sitting on the stove, Jensen hurried over towards it and served himself a small plate of food. He looked stressed, hair out of place, wearing a pair of the most hideous dress pants Jared had never seen before and a tucked in dress shirt. He was also wearing his glasses, which he almost never did (he said they gave him a headache, but Jared suspected it was purely for vain reasons).

“Come sit down and eat Jack,” said Chris. “You can take a break from studying for a couple minutes.”

Jared started. So this was Jack?

Scurrying over, Jack sat down awkwardly at the end of the table, half off of his chair. He ate quickly but neatly, giving Jared and Sandy shy glances every couple of seconds.

He was adorable.

Jared looked over at Chris curiously. “How can he be studying if Jensen is the one that supposed to take the test? Won’t he forget everything?”

“Well,” Chris said, “You would think that would be the case, but Jack takes the best, most detailed notes I’ve ever seen. Jensen always gets top marks when studying with Jacks notes. Isn’t that right Jack?”

Smiling shyly Jack looked up at them from under long lashes. “Yes. Last year Misha went out and got me colour coded sticky notes.” At this point he ducked his head in embarrassment and shoved a forkful of spaghetti in his mouth. “I wouldn’t have been able to do half as well without them.”

Jared grinned. “I bet he got you come kind of organic paper notes or something huh? That seems like something Misha would do.” Jared paused in thought. “Is there such a thing as organic paper?”

“Oh yes,” Jack nodded enthusiastically. “They’re all recycled paper. Misha really cares about the environment you know, he thinks that the Earth and all its creatures should be treated with respect.” Jack let out a breathy sigh. “He values all of God’s creations.”

“God, don’t get him started,” Chris groaned. “He can go on for hours about the greatness that is Misha Collins.”

Jack shot him an evil look and shoved the last of the spaghetti on his plate into his mouth. “I just appreciate his commitment to a clean healthy Earth. Coming from someone who drinks himself into a stupor and fornicates with unsavoury women on a regular basis, I’m sure you have no idea what that’s like,” he said around a mouthful of food.

Sandy reached over towards Jack, obviously intended to grab his empty plate, when Chris’s hand quickly intercepted her, grabbing her by the wrist.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said quietly. “Jack can take care of it. He doesn’t really like people getting in his personal space, so it’s better to just let him do it on his own.”

Watching Jack quickly get up for seconds Sandy smiled. “That’s fine. You poor boys, how do you survive with me around to feed you all the time?”

“I told you babe, granola bars and Cheetos,” Jared said, giving her a pitiful look.

“You’ll provide a good home for you and Jared’s children Sandy,” Jack said shyly, sitting back down at the table. “If you take as good care of them as you do Jared.”

Jared choked on his water. “Whoa, whoa, who said anything about children?” Jared laughed nervously.

Sandy rolled her eyes. “He doesn’t me mean now jackass. He meant in the future.”

Jack looked at Jared curiously, cocking his head to the side. “Do you not want children?”

Jared stared at Jack, studiously trying to ignore the holes Sandy was burning into the side of his head with her stare. Was he trying to get him killed? “Of course I do—I love children. They’re all cute, and cuddly and stuff.” He said, “I just think it’s a little soon to be thinking about, about those kinds of things.”

The truth of the matter was that he did love children, for the first half hour that he was around them. After that he didn’t know what to do with them. He could safely say he loved children, but it was more that he loved other people’s children. That meant they had to go home at the end of the day.

Jared had lasted one night as a baby sitter (that was also the last time he did his cousin any favours) before he decided that no money was worth the stress children provided.

Jack nodded seriously. “Children are a gift from God, they must be nurtured and appreciated.”

Silence filled the kitchen, with Jared trying to look at anywhere but Sandy and Jack obliviously eating at the end of the table.

“Okay then. Well now that, that awkward conversation is over with, I think I’m gonna go check and see where Misha’s been hiding.” Chris got up and gestured to Jack. “You coming along?”

“Oh yes,” Jack smiling brightly. ‘Misha promised to show me some moves from the yoga that he is always practicing.”

Jared could hear Chris talking as they left the room. “For the last time it’s just yoga, no the...”

Jared tried to ease the tension from his shoulders and turned to Sandy, giving her a smile. “Wow, of all the questions you don’t want sprung up on you in front of two of your friends for the very first time, that has to be on the top five, don’t you think?”

Sandy laughed. “Poor Jared, did that make you feel pressured?” Giving him a smile, she took his hand in hers. “We have all the time to talk about marriage and kids once we finish school, let’s just concentrate on the present for now ok?”

Getting up she walked towards the fridge. “I’m going to make some hot chocolate, do you want any baby?”

“Ya, sure,” he replied. Sitting there, watching her putter around the kitchen, he tried to picture her doing that in a house of their own. Tried to picture raising a family and growing old with her.

It was easy.

Getting married to Sandy and having a family was a future that seemed inevitable for the last couple of years of their relationship. They had been dating for three years and now that they were engaged that future was only further solidified.

He just didn’t understand why the idea made him so uncomfortable. 

 

***

 

November 10th 2008

Pride Parade, Downtown Vancouver

 

“I am totally for checking out the parade Misha. I just don’t understand why we had to wear these horrible outfits,” said Jared miserably, he was dressed in tight yellow jeans and a neon pink shirt that was plastered with rainbow coloured hearts.

“We need to get the public’s attention Jared! Pride’s all about getting the attention of our fellow citizens, and this kind of outfit gets attention.” Waving his sign enthusiastically Misha jumped up and down as they marched down the street.

“But still, the outfit? You said that everybody was going to wear something similar, but I’m the only tool here in a rainbow heart shirt! The only other people who are wearing this much colour are the drag queens, who are actually in the parade.” Jared said, looking over at Misha and Chris’s simple jeans and black t-shirts.

“We’ll we just thought that you brought out the outfit so much better than the rest of us Jare-Bear,” Chris drawled, a little too casually.

Jared looked over at the both of them, noticing the laugh Misha was trying to hide, and the smirk plastered all over Chris’s face. “You son of a bitches set me up!!!” he realized.

Chris, not able to contain himself any longer, let out a deep belly laugh. “And you’re just noticing this now? I had bet for sure that you would have realized when we got to the parade and noticed you were the only one wearing that stupid outfit!”

“At least you didn’t get me to come here in my underwear like some of the other guys here,” Jared grumbled.

Misha shot him an apologetic look, but it was ruined by the grin that he couldn’t keep off his face. “Look at it this way, at least you can say you’re comfortable in your masculinity!”

“I’m totally into being here, who knows if I wasn’t with Sandy I might have been in love with some guy out there,” Jared said gesturing to the crowd surrounding them. “I just HATE promoting the stereotype that gay men love rainbows and wear pink all the time.”

“But you DO wear a lot of pink Jared,” Misha reminded him.

“And since when are you into guys?” Chris asked.

“Hello? Bisexual here! Why else do you think I have that huge shirtless poster of T.I. in my room?”

Chris blinked. “I just thought it was cuz he looked so bad ass in that picture.”

“Ya,” Jared laughed. “And because he looks so hot too.”

“The things you learn about people,” Chris wondered.

Misha pointed at Chris. “That’s why you shouldn’t discriminate based on appearance Chris, you never know who people really are inside.”

“Oh just up bitch, you didn’t know either,” Chris shot back, pushing Misha in the shoulder.

“Where’d Jensen wander off to anyways? Him and Danneel said they were just gonna go say hi to someone they knew, but Danneel’s over there with some blond chick,” Jared said, point over at Danneel, who was a couple of people ahead of them. “And Jensen isn’t with her.”

Jensen and Danneel had started off the parade right alongside with them, but had soon gotten dragged off by some friends of Danneel’s. Jared had pouted at getting left alone with Chris and Misha, who at the time had kept badgering him to help yell out embarrassing slogans.

Undeterred by Jared’s mortification, Jensen had left quickly, Danneel by his side. “Shake that ass Jared! You’ve got to get the world to listen!”

It was possible that he had been in on the joke.

That had been one hour ago and Jared hadn’t seen him since. “Do you think he wandered off with some friends?” wondered Jared.

Misha and Chris exchanged a look. “Sometimes Jensen gets a little too into things, and he ends up wandering off by himself.” Chris explained.

“Ya,” Misha agreed. “I brought him to an animal rights protest last year, and I lost sight of him after an hour. I finally found J down the street, getting arrested by the cops. He’d managed to get his hands on some red paint and had started flinging it at anybody that walked down the street wearing fur or leather. It took me two hours to convince the cops not to press any formal charges,” Misha sighed.

“Wow, I didn’t know that Jensen was so passionate about animal rights,” Jared said, surprised.

“He isn’t, but J is that passionate about causing a commotion, he loves attention.”

“Speak of the devil,” Chris said, pointing behind Jared.

Turning around, he was greeted by J’s face only a couple inches from his own.

J licked his lips and got right up in Jared’s face, trailing one finger down Jared’s stomach until he got to his belt. Grabbing on to the buckle he pulled them close together, groin to groin, giving a slow circular grind.

“Helloooo gorgeous, how about we give the citizens of Vancity a practical demonstration on the love that can be shared between two men?”

Leaning up J licked at Jared’s ear lobe, then bit down softly, sending shudders down Jared’s body. “Or lust,” he breathed, “I’m—not—picky,” he said between the licks and bites he was trailing down Jared’s neck.

Jared stood dumbstruck for several seconds. He hadn’t been with anybody but Sandy for four years, and to have another body, a male body, rubbing up against him, shocked him into stillness. Gathering his whit’s, he grabbed hold of J’s arms and pushed him away, ignoring the pleasurable shiver that shot through his body at the feel of J grinding up against him.

“Dude, personal space.” Jared took a step back and tried to act unaffected. He had a feeling he wasn’t really succeeding. “Learn it, live it, love it.”

J shot him a sly smile. “Well I wouldn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable Jare-bear.” Blowing him a kiss he gave a small twirl, flinging his arms wide open. “I just guess I get a little caught up in these things.”

“That’s one way to put it,” Misha said dryly.

“Misha baby!” Flinging his arms around the other man, J laughed with delight. “I’ve been jonsen for a blunt so bad, tell me you have some weed?” Shooting him a sad look J put his hands together, as if in prayer.

Misha reached into his pocket a pulled out one of the biggest blunts Jared had ever seen in his life. “When have you ever known me to go without?”

“Dude,” Jared stared at him with wide eyes, ignoring J, who was jumping up and down in excitement next to him. “That thing is motherfucking massive. Do you just carry those around with you all the time?”

“Eh,” Misha gave a small shrug, taking a large toke as he lit up the joint. “I thought this thing might go a little long, so I brought it along. Keeps me mellow.”

Jared watched as J took a long hit from the joint, holding in the smoke as long as he could.

“You’re too good to me Mishy,” J gave a satisfied sigh.

“Jensen’s gonna be pissed man, he watched Misha roll this thing and he was totally excited to smoke it,” Chris said through a mouthful of smoke, passing the joint on to Jared.

Jared examined it. As thick as a quarter and four inches long, already smoked, it was an impressive sight. “I could see why. This thing is awesome.” He took a long drag, sweet tasting smoke filling his lungs.

“Fuck, that’s strong.” Jared coughed. “I thought you fitness freaks were all about taking care of your body Misha, what’s up with the weed?”

“Mmm, got to stay chill some way my friend.” Misha pointed a finger a Jared. “Don’t let people scare you off. Weed is your friend.”

By the time they’d finished passing the joint around, Jared was so high he couldn’t even concentrate on the parade going on around him. Body tingling with each step, he moved with the crowd, but the world passed him in a blur.

A hand grabbed him on the arm and Jared turned to see Jensen looking at him through foggy eyes.

“I am high as fuck.” Jensen told him.

“Misha.” Jared told by way of an explanation.

Jensen nodded. “Ah.” His eyes crinkled in amusement. “That explains it.”

Jensen had really pretty eyes. Green. Green, so green. “Like a frog.” Jared told him.

Jensen stared at him. “Wha—?”

Not too smart though.

Here Jared is, trying to give him a complement, and Jensen won’t even listen to what he has to say. All he does is stare at him, with his frog green eyes. “Or a toad.” He corrected. “Are toads green? I think they are. Or yellow, can toads be yellow?”

Jensen stared at him. “I’m too fucking high for this shit.”

“Hmm,” he paused. “I think there must have been something else laced in there.” No matter how big the joint had been, no weed had ever gotten him to feel so out of it before, it was a little disconcerting. “Why’d J show up?”

Jensen got a ugly look on his face. “Ran into Ed. While he was busy sticking his tongue down his new boyfriends throat.” He shrugged. “Might have stressed me out more than I thought.”

“Ed?”

“My fucking ex.” He paused, giggling. “Fucking. Ex. Get it?”

Jared stared at him. “Did you just giggle?”

Jensen gave him the finger. “Whatever dick.”

“I’m horny.” Jared announced.

Jensen laughed. “What the fuck?”

“And not because you were sucking all up and down my neck either.” Jared clarified. “It’s the fucking weed man. It makes me want to fuck anything, don’t get to cocky.”

Jensen flushed red. “Dude! Is that where all those hickey on your neck came from?” If it was possible, he seemed to get even redder. “I’m so sorry man.”

Hickeys? Jared waved the apology away. “J just likes to rile me up. Likes to think he’s hot shit.”

“Well, either way I’m sorry. Sandy’s gonna be pissed at me.”

Jared hadn’t even thought about her.

“Don’t even worry about it.” He told Jensen. “She’ll be cool with it.”

 

***

 

“Are you kidding me?” Sandy looked at him with disbelief. “I let you go off to some gay pride parade with your friends and you come back with hickeys all over your neck?”

“You let me?”

She arched an eyebrow at him. “That’s the thing you want to pick at?”

She might have a point. “It wasn’t like you think babe. It was only Jensen.”

Judging from the look on her face, Jared was going to guess that didn’t help make things better.

“I mean it was J. You know how he is,” Jared sighed. “He latched onto my neck before I realized he was there.”

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this Jared.” Sandy said, looking annoyed. “That’s twice that your new roommate has made a play for you.”

“Baby, you don’t have anything to worry about. I’d never cheat on you.”

Sandy smiled. “I know. If there’s one thing you are, is loyal. I guess it’s just, with him being so good looking and everything, I can’t help but be a little insecure.”

“I hadn’t really even noticed.” Jared lied.

Sandy looked at him doubtfully. “I’m sure.”

Jared smiled wide. “You’re all the woman I can handle baby. Nobody even compares to you.”

God. He sounded like an idiot. A cheesy idiot. But it wasn’t like he was lying to her. He couldn’t ever imagine cheating on her. As often as Jared found himself admiring Jensen’s looks, he always made sure to remember that he had a devoted fiancé that he had committed himself to long ago. He’d always been good at remaining faithful to his relationships.

He wasn’t going to let a little lust screw up the longest relationship he’d ever had.

Jensen was a friend. Jared hadn’t known him for very long, but he could already tell Jensen was awesome. He was fun to hang out with, he put up with the stupid shit that came out of Jared’s mouth, fuck, he was the only one out of his rock music living friends that didn’t think it was lame to love rap.

But he wasn’t Sandy.

And to top it off, Jensen had baggage. Baggage that he hasn’t been able to deal with, if his condition was any indication. What he needed was a friend, someone that he could feel comfortable to talk to. Not someone lusting after his body.

And Jared had Sandy.

I don’t even know why I’m considering this an issue. There is no issue. Only Sandy. Jared pulled her into a hug.

“You still mad at me?”

Sighing Sandy pulled Jared into a soft kiss. “No.” She scowled. “You’re too good at pulling that sad face. It breaks me every time.”

“I’m irresistible.” Jared told her seriously.

She laughed. “You have no idea.”

Pulling her in for another kiss Jared smiled. He didn’t know what he’d even been worrying about anyways.

 

***

 

“If you weren’t such a little slut, this wouldn’t have had to happen.”

Jensen grunted with pain, another thrust driving him harder into the floor beneath him, scraping his face into the hard concrete.

“I would have loved you forever.”

Please God, let this end.

“I would have protected you.”

Let this end.

“And you spit in my face.”

Oh God.

“Jensen.”

Let this end.

“Jensen.”

“Jensen! Wake up!”

Gasping for breath, Jensen sat up in his bed, pushing at the person holding onto him. “Get off me. Get off me. Get. The. Fuck. Off. Me.”

“Jensen. Jensen, it’s me, Jared.” Grabbing a hold of his arms, Jared forced him still, brining his face into focus. “It’s Jared. Are you ok now?”

Jensen stared, silent, except for the choked sobs that he couldn’t seem to hold inside.

Grabbing him into a hug, Jared stroked his back. “It’s ok, it’s ok. I’m here. Whatever you were dreaming is gone now.”

Jensen tried to calm down, but the feeling of being afraid, of be terrified wouldn’t leave him. No matter how much Jensen tried to push him away—abet weakly—Jared held on to him, giving him comfort, until he felt well enough to calm down.

“I’m fine.” Pushing away from Jared, Jensen ran a hand over his face, whipping the tears from his eyes. “Fuck.”

“You were screaming. Are you ok?”

“Fuck. Fuck, I’m so stupid.” Jensen said, feeling like an idiot, now that he’d calmed down. “Did I wake you up?”

“That doesn’t matter man. I want to know if you’re ok.”

Jensen took a deep breath. “Ya, ya, I’m ok.”

“Are you sure? You were yelling pretty loudly.”

The truth of the matter, is that now that he’d calmed down, he was feeling better. He never remembered his nightmares anyways. “I’m fine.”

At Jared sceptical look he insisted again. “I’m fine. Really. I never remember my nightmares anyways.”

“Never?”

Jensen sighed. “No. Never. It’s no big deal.”

“Does this happen often?”

“Often enough. Look, it’s no big deal.” He repeated.

Jared just looked at him, a worried expression on his face. Jensen could tell he wasn’t going to let this go.

“Look, I have these dreams sometimes, and they’re kind of upsetting.” He sighed again. “My therapist,” he said, sneering at the word. “Thinks they’re memories of my childhood. I can’t remember a lot of what I went through when I was growing up. Of ages when I should be able to remember things about, mostly my early teenage years.”

“You have no idea what you went through?”

Jensen hesitated. He didn’t want to get into this, not now, not like this. “Look, I have some idea of what happened. There are things, evidence, that makes it unavoidable for me not to know what happened. I just don’t remember a lot of it.”

“And that’s what you’re going to therapy for,” Jared asked, hesitantly. “To remember?”

“That’s what I’m supposed to be doing. Supposedly, if I want to have a proper future, I need to face my past and heal old wounds.” He said, mocking his doctor.

“But you don’t want to.” Jared said, not a question.

“Look, something that I’ve been going through, this last year, is a feeling of disconnection.” He looked at Jared, feeling tired. “I’ve been through so much treatment in the past. Hospitalization, hypnosis, therapy. You name it, I’ve done it. And every time, it drags up shit I don’t want to remember, but I start to feel better. So I decided to stop therapy, and then I backslide, and my dissociation becomes even worse.”

“It doesn’t help, remembering the past?”

God, I hate talking about this. “Listen, that’s the one thing I’ve always been reluctant to do. Dig into my memories. I know what happened to me, to an extent anyways. Why do I have to remember it?”

“But it’ll help you.” Jensen could tell Jared was trying to help, but he just didn’t get it.

“Therapy is really hard ok? It’s like picking at a scab, over and over,” Jensen said, frustrated. “Sometimes I just want to say, hey, can we let this thing heal? Do we have to keep picking at it? It’s never going to heal that way.”

That’s why he’s stopped going to therapy in the first place. Two years ago he’d decided that he was the best he was ever going to be. The panic attacks had stopped, he’d been really stable, with no time loss, and he’d felt really good for the first time in a long time.

But.

But after six months he’d started to get worse again. Loosing time, dissociating, and more recently, starting up the panic attacks. The last thing is what made him start therapy again, and what had made Chris start to insist on Jensen digging up his past.

Apparently, it was time. No matter what Jensen had to say on the matter.

“If you haven’t done it, you just don’t understand how hard it is to go through therapy. You know, things are blocked out of my memory for a reason, because they were painful, and they weren’t something I was able to handle. To make matters worse, now that I’m back in therapy I not only have these fucking panic attacks, I’m also having these nightmares, and I just know they’re going to make me remember them.”

“Make you remember?”

“They use hypnosis.” Jensen told him. “People with my condition are really susceptible to hypnosis. That’s how they always get me to remember things.”

Jared pulled him in again, gripping him in a tight hug. Jensen usually hated it when people did that. He didn’t like it when people touched him.

For some reason, when Jared did it he didn’t really mind so much.

“This is the catch 22 though.” Jensen said. “If I don’t go to therapy, and dig it up, dig it up for real, and make it hurt more, and pour salt water, in my wound.” He laughed bitterly. “I’m going to suffer another way, because I’m going to get panic attacks, and I’m going to dissociate, and most of the time I don’t know wither I’m coming or going.”

He pulled away from Jared, angrily wiping his face. “So which pain to I prefer? I have no fucking idea, and I have no one to talk to about it. Who can I talk to about it, without sounding like I’m a total lunatic?”

“Me.” The way he said it, with that smile—it wasn’t just a platitude.

Jensen gave him a weak smile. “Bet you think I’m totally weak, huh?”

“No.” Shaking his head Jared stretched out beside Jensen, pulling them both down onto the bed. “I think you’re one of the bravest people I know.”

God. Jensen thought, struggling in Jared’s hold. Why does he have to be like this? This is the last thing I need right now. “What are you doing?”

“Going to sleep.”

“You’re kind of a giant man, won’t you be more comfortable in your own bed?”

“Mmm, go to sleep, you’ll feel better after you rest.” Wrapping his arms around Jensen, Jared settled down behind him, tucking his face behind Jensen’s neck.

“Can I at least be the big spoon?”

“Go to sleep.”

“I hate being the little spoon.” Jensen whispered.

“Mmm.” Jared just pet his head.

Like a particularly stupid pet. But Jensen couldn’t find it in himself to be angry, and after a while, the soft sound of Jared’s breathing lulled him to sleep.

 

 

***

 

“Now all you have to do is keep your legs straight and bend straight down at the hips.” Keeping his legs together, Misha bent over until his head rested on his knees. “And then you just hold this position for a bit.”

Panting heavily, Jared strained in the attempt to copy Misha position for a couple more seconds before giving up and collapsing on the floor. “I can’t do it,” he groaned. “That position is just not natural.”

Misha stretched back up. “It just takes practice,” he chuckled. He nodded over towards Jack, who was perfecting executing the move a couple feet over. “Look at Jack, he pestered me for lesson after lesson in order to learn yoga. It took a lot sessions before he was able to master some of the more complex yoga moves, but now he good enough to teach a class of his very own.”

Jared laughed, admiring the view of Jack bent over. “I’m pretty sure yoga isn’t the reason he kept pestering you for lessons.”

“What do you mean?” Misha asked curiously.

“Never mind, you’re probably better of not knowing.” Jared smirked.

Misha raised an eyebrow at the comment, but other than that left it alone. “You should talk to Jack while he’s out, about your wedding I mean.”

“About my wedding?” Jared asked, confused. Everybody seemed to be bringing up the wedding more and more recently and he didn’t understand where it was all coming from. He could go weeks at a time without thinking about it if nobody brought it up, but everybody else seemed determined to keep talking about it. It was starting to stress him out a little. “You mean the wedding that’s not taking place until at least two years from now, that wedding?”

Misha rolled his eyes. “That isn’t actually that long man, wedding planning takes a lot of work, and I suggest you talk to Jack if you want to make the planning as painless as possible. He’s the most organized individual I’ve even met, and he’s obsessed with weddings.” He laughed as Jared’s look of surprise. “He’s already shown me ten different websites he’s found on wedding planning he’s bookmarked to help you later. He’s like a fountain of knowledge on all things matrimonial. I wish I’d had him when I got married.”

“Wait a minute,” Jared said slowly. “You’re married? When did this happen.” He narrowed his eyes at the man sitting across from him. “I see you hook up all the time dude, where’s your wife?”

“Japan.” At Jared’s look of confusion he explained further. “She’s doing research there while I’m finishing up my last year in law school.” He shrugged. “We hardly ever get to see each other, so we decided to have an open relationship until we could be together again.”

Jared just stared at him. “That would take an amount of self confidence I would never be able to gather. Aren’t you afraid she might meet somebody she really likes and leave you?”

“We love each other.”

That was apparently all Misha had to say on the subject, and considering Jared had a reputation for putting his foot in it, he was going to stop while he was ahead.

“Are you taking about weddings?” Both men turned at the sound of Jack’s excited voice to see him watching them with undeniable excitement. “Oh Jared! I have so many things to talk to you about, I have so many ideas! Stay right here, I’m just going to go get my scrap book!”

Jared sat stunned, watching the other man run out of the room. Misha laughed the expression on his face. “Be prepared for a couple of fun filled hours dedicated to your wedding.” At Jared’s horrified expression he gave one last chuckle. “Not your thing? Get out of here in the thirty seconds and I promise to distract him so you can escape.”

Jared grabbed his hand. “You’re the best,” he whispered fervently.

Misha rolled his eyes. “Get out of here.”

Jared didn’t wait around to be told twice.

 

***

 

Roommates House, UBC

Late December 2008

 

“Are you going to the party Chris is throwing for New Years?” Danneel asked, tilting her head to look back at him on his spot on the couch behind her.

Jensen tore his eyes away from the television and looked down her where she was sitting on the floor in between his legs. “Where else would I go? He is having it at the house.”

Danneel ignored his question and smiled. “I’ve decided to stay here this year, instead of flying back to see my family,” she told him.

That was a surprise. Danneel was one of the most family oriented people he knew. While she’d decided to go to school out here on the coast, she talked to her sisters on the phone almost every day. When he met her, she told him that the one thing that had almost stopped her from accepting the scholarship the university offered her was the idea that she’d be separated from her two sisters. They were her best friends.

So the idea of her missing out a chance to fly home and see them was something he wouldn’t have thought possible.

“What about you’re sisters? Don’t you guys usually go to some big New Years bash?” He asked her.

“Ya, but I’m going to see them when I fly home for Christmas anyways. I just thought it might be a fun idea to come back here and party with you guys.”

He shrugged. “Sure, I mean, if you want, but everybody’s just gonna get wasted pass out anyways. Last year Chris didn’t even make it to the ball drop.”

Twisting around Danneel sat up until she was kneeling in front of him, hands gripping each of his legs. “I just thought it might be fun if we spent the New Years together. Bring out the start of the year with each other, as a couple.” Smiling coyly at him, Jensen could tell it took a lot for her to get those words out. Fidgeting was one of her most nervous tells, and right now, she couldn’t stop playing with his pant legs.

Since the start of their relationship she’d followed his lead on their status as a couple. From the very first day when he’s told her he didn’t want to make anything official, he’d been able to tell that she’d been very disappointed. She didn’t understand his reluctance to take the one last step and make their situation more serious, more permanent.

The truth was he didn’t even know why he was so reluctant himself.

Maybe it’s because she has a pussy? Whispered a voice in his head slyly. When what you really want is a nice, big, cock to fuck you blind.

Jensen jerked, shut the fuck up! Ignoring the voice, Jensen studied Danneel.

Danneel was the first person he had ever met that hadn’t run away from him when she had found out about his dissociation. Every other person he’d become involved with had split as soon as they had found out, or in some unavoidable instances, seen, what his condition was really like.

Maybe it was because they’d only been friends when she found out, or maybe she was just a more accepting person than the average citizen, but Danneel had never reacted badly to him, not even when they started fooling around.

Her couldn’t imagine finding a more perfect girl. She accepted all of him, and while the other alters did weird her out a little, especially J, who held a deep hated of her relationship with Jensen, she wanted to be with him.

What is wrong with me? He wondered, looking at her hopeful face, to be with someone so great and still be reluctant to give them the commitment they deserve.

“Danneel—“ he started.

“Don’t say anything now!” She cut in quickly. Giving him a big smile, he could see that she already knew what his answer was going to be. “Just think about it ok?”

“Ok.” The least he could do was give her a chance and think about the idea.

“Ok,” she repeated. Smiling brightly at him she leaned over to give him a kiss, moving her hands up his legs and stomach to rest on his shoulders. “You’re so tense baby, did finals have you stressed out?” she whispered, trailing kisses down his neck to the hem of his shirt.

He groaned. “Ya.” That and other things.

“Mmmm.” Moving her hand down his body she stopped at his dick. Pressing her hand to the bulge in his pants, she started rubbing it in small circles. “I bet I know something that can make you feel better.” Giving his a sly look she unbuckled his pants.

Lifting his hips to help her slide his pants down he moaned as his dick sprung free from his boxer briefs, slapping wetly on his stomach. “You always know how to make me feel good,” he gasped at her as she took the head of his cock in her mouth a began to suck.

This is what Danneel did best. While Jensen enjoyed everything they did in bed, Danneel had to be the most talented person at giving head he had ever encountered. She never failed to get him off, fast and messy.

Even just looking down at her, and the way she let him thrust his cock in and out of her mouth, was enough to almost make him come.

I don’t know how Jared goes without this.

God. Jensen hadn’t been able to believe it when Jared told him that Sandy didn’t give him head. What only made it worse was that he knew for a fact that Jared went down on her. With only a thin wall separating their bedrooms, there had been more than one night where Jensen had been able to hear Sandy’s moans as he ate her out.

I bet he has a big cock, he thought watching Danneel trail sloppy kisses down his shaft to lick at his balls. If the size of the rest of him is any indication.

He wondered if the reason Sandy didn’t want to suck him is if the size of Jared’s dick scared her. Jensen could only imagine what Jared’s dick looked like, but he couldn’t imagine him being small. He’s probably a monster, he thought, moaning as he thrust deeper into Danneel’s mouth.

Jensen loved big dicks, the bigger the better. He ate pussy with the best of them, he could keep Danneel on edge for hours at a time, but sucking cock? He almost liked it more than painting.

Jensen could only imagine Jared’s reaction if Jensen tried to suck his dick, if Jensen just got down on his knees and whipped out his dick.

Probably choke on his own spit.

Running his hands through Danneel’s hair he groaned, dick pulsing, as Danneel gave one last suck to the head of dick before pulling away with a loud pop. Gripping his shaft, she stroked him up and down roughly with one hand while the other reached down to play with his balls, rolling them around with her fingers.

“You like that baby?” She asked, gasping for breath.

“So good,” he moaned, trusting his hips forward so the head of his dick brushed up against her lips.

Giving his a dirty grin, she leaned forward to lick at the tip of his dick, tongue sliding to lick at the slit. “You wanna come? Come for me baby.” Rolling his balls softly in her hands, she leaned down to take the whole of his dick in her mouth, sucking on him messily.

“Ah—God—“ Jensen gasped, thrusting roughly in her mouth.

Danneel could probably take Jared’s whole dick. She was almost as good at giving head as he was. She’d just suck him right down, let him fuck down her throat. Jensen could see it now, Jared, big and hard, thrusting into her mouth, Danneel’s lips stretched thin over his cock.

He’d probably taste so good. Jared had the look of someone who would taste sweet. He’d probably want to be gentle at first, not used to having someone’s mouth on his dick. If it was Jensen, he’d make him fuck him hard, let him fuck his mouth as roughly as he wanted to.

God. He thought, cock pulsing with need in Danneel’s mouth. He’d be so hard, so big. He’d probably end up leaving me raw. Come down my throat, make me swallow. Every. Last. Drop.

“So—ah—“ Groaning with surprise, Jensen jerked, thrusting one last time and coming hard in Danneel mouth. He’d been so caught up in his fantasy he hadn’t even noticed how close he was to the edge.

With moan Danneel pulled away, whipping her chin, where some of his cum had escaped and trailed down her face before she’d been able to swallow. Giving the head one last lick, Danneel sat back, a satisfied look on her face.

“Guess you liked that huh?” She asked with a laugh. “That’s the most I’ve been you get into a blowjob in forever.”

Jensen flushed. What was he doing, imagining Jared while he was with Danneel? I am such a creep, he thought glumly, looking at Danneel’s glowing face. With a sigh he reached over to pull Danneel up for a kiss. “Maybe we should,” he whispered against her lips. “Start the New Years off as a couple.”

Pulling back Danneel smiled wide. Another flash of guilt shot through Jensen, Why shouldn’t we? What else could I be looking for?

“What made you change your mind?” She asked.

How about the fact that the only reason I could think of to not be with you is a practically married man? I fucking suck. “I can’t think of a reason we shouldn’t be together,” he told her. “So maybe we should be.”

Danneel threw her arms around his neck, giving him a big sloppy kiss. “You’re gonna see baby,” she whispered. “This is gonna be the best New Years Eve ever.”

 

***

 

Roommates House, UBC

December 31st 2008

 

Jared could officially say that this was the worst New Years ever.

He’d been totally looking forward to spending News Years with Sandy, had even gone to the trouble of flying back early from Christmas in Texas to spend time with her. She hadn’t been able to fly south with him this year, having promised her Aunt that she’d stay in LA to spend Christmas with her, but she’d promised him that they’d have a awesome New Years together. But last minute problems at work had got her stuck with a shift at the hospital she volunteered at, and now she wasn’t going to get off work until 4 am.

Which is why Jared was sitting on the couch in his living room while a party raged around him, feeling miserable.

“Dude! Lighten the fuck up! So Sandy wasn’t able to come out! That just gives you an excuse to get fucked up!” Grinning widely, Chad took a chug from the beer in his hand then slammed in back down on the table in front of him, nearly smacking Sofia—who was sitting on his lap—right in the face.

“God!” Shoving him in the head, she rolled her eyes. “Can’t you see that he misses her? Some men actually have some sensitivity, jackoff!”

Chad turned to her. “Are you saying I’m not sensitive? Me? Me, who sits through episodes of Gray’s Anatomy with you every god damn week and lets you cry on his shoulder?” Chad turned to gave Jared a sad face. “I’m never appreciated.”

“Shut up!” Laughing, Sofia pulled him into a kiss. “You know you like watching that show as much as I do, you totally cried last week when we watched it.”

Looking over Sofia’s shoulder Chad shook his head frantically, mouthing She’s a liar, over and over.

Jared laughed. Slouching back into his chair he took a pull from his own beer. As much as he didn’t think it would have happened, he sometime missed living with them, he forgot how much fun they could be just to hang out with.

Of course, Jensen’s usually the person I’m doing that with, now a days, he thought. Looking around the room, taking in the various party goers, none of whom he had ever met before, he wondered where Jensen had wandered off to.

They had started the night off together, taking shots of tequila in the kitchen, which was mostly responsible for how drunk Jared was feeling at the moment, but Jared had lost track of him a while ago. Instead he’s ended up in the living room with Chad and Sofia, shooting back beers.

Looking at the couple across from him, practically dry humping, he decided it was time to find Jensen again.

“I’m going to go find Jensen ok? I’ll check back with you later.” Getting up, he passed the couple, who had yet to acknowledge his goodbye, and set off to find his friend.

 

***

 

Smiling widely at him Danneel leaned against Jensen shoulder. “I was also thinking, maybe we should move all our stuff into one room. It’s just that, what’s the point of staying in two bedrooms when we’ll probably end up sleeping in the same bed almost every night, you know?”

Jensen tensed, this is what he’s been afraid of. “I don’t know Danneel, I really kind of like my own space.”

“Or maybe I could just move a couple of things into your room for now, just to make things easier for now, then we could see about the future,” she persuaded.

Jensen sighed. “I—“

“Think about it,” she insisted, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “I just want us to be together all the time.” She hesitated. “I love you.”

Oh my God. Silent, Jensen tried to process this development. Are we that serious now, are we at I love you? The sad thing was Jensen didn’t know if he could say it back, not without lying to her. He cared about her, more than he had ever cared about a person he was dating before. But I love you?

Danneel’s face fell, the long silence saying what Jensen couldn’t.

“Danny, I do, I do care, it’s just—it’s just not that easy for me figure this stuff out.” Jensen said lamely.

“Do you not feel the same at all?” She asked softly.

Just tell her you love her boy, no woman really wants to be told the truth. Tell her what she wants to hear and she’ll be so grateful she’ll suck your brains right out of your dick. Jensen ignored the voice.

“I—I have strong feeli—“

“Strong feelings?” She cried out. “Jensen, we’ve been dating for almost a year, and all you have to say is that you have strong feelings?!” She looked away from him. “I don’t know what to do with that.”

“What else do you want me to say?” Jensen asked, getting angry. “I’m not going to lie to you, ok? So what do you want me to say?”

“How about, I love you too! God Jensen, I follow you around like a looser, ignoring it when your alters fuck around, giving you space, doing everything you want.” She said, furious. “How can it not be obvious what I want you to say?”

“I can’t deal with this right now,” he told her, already he could feel the anxiety building.

“You can’t deal with this?” She asked, staring at him in astonishment. “Fuck you Jensen Ackles.” With those final words she stormed back into the house, leaving Jensen alone in the backyard.

“Fuck.”

Who needs her anyways? Whispered a voice. She’s a crazy bitch. This is the reason I stick to dick. No fucking drama.

“Fuck.” Jensen gasped, grabbing his hair in his fists. He crouched down, fighting for breath. “Fuck, I’m so fucking stupid. I screw up everything I do.”

Shuddering, he stayed crouched, fighting to get control over his emotions.

“Hey—hey,” A hand touched him on the head. “Are you ok?”

Shuddering he stayed crouched for a couple more seconds, then stilled. Pushing himself up off the ground, he rolled his shoulders and then stretched his arms wide over his head.

Turning to look at the girl standing next to him, wearing a worried expression, J laughed, “I’m great! Let’s get this party fucking started!”

 

***

 

Jared sighed.

He’d been looking for Jensen for the last ten minutes and he had yet to find him. Growing annoyed with the crowd of people blocking his path everywhere he looked, he headed towards the kitchen. He’d already looked there for Jensen, but if he was expected to put up with this annoying crowd of people, he was going to make sure he was drunk while he did it, and there was a bottle of tequila hidden in the cupboards calling out his name.

“Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!” Loud screams greeted him as he entered the kitchen, just in time to witness Jensen down three beer in a row with the beer bong.

No, that’s J, Jared corrected, taking in the tight pink shirt and the painted on jeans J had changed into. What brought him out? Last I knew Jensen was fine.

“Jare-bear!” J cried out, noticing him standing in the doorway. “Come get drunk!” Holding out the beer bong J laughed. “This thing is fucking awesome!”

Jared smiled.

“You’re fuckin’ wasted.” He noted, as J stumbled over towards him. “Come on.” Grabbing a hold of J, he steered him out the door, leading him into the relaxation room, when he dumped him onto a bean bag chair.

The only way Misha had said he was going to let Chris throw a party while he was gone home, was if they’d promised to make sure the relaxation room was off limits, so Jared knew this was a good place as any to get J to sober up a little. Dropping down into the bean bag next to J, Jared stretch out, enjoying his buzz.

“You wanted to get me alone huh?” J asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “Couldn’t stay away?”

Jared laughed. “You’re too much man for me J. If we ever got together you just might break me.”

J giggled, falling back into his seat. “Best New Years ever!”

Jared cocked an eyebrow. “Oh ya? Why’s that?”

“Fuck—fucking bitch and Jensen had a fight,” J told him, smiling drunkenly. “She told him she loved him, can you believe that?” J asked, laughing loudly. “What a fucking idiot, as if we could ever love her.”

Shit. No wonder J was out. “What did he say? To her, I mean. What did he say to her after that?” He clarified.

J waved him hand. “Oh, you know, he cares about her.” Giggling J slid off the bean bag, moving to crouch down in front of Jared’s legs. “Jensen’s a fucking pussy,” he told Jared. “He only stays with Danneel because it’s easy.”

Crawling forward he spread Jared’s legs, sliding in between his thighs and quickly lifted himself up and over. Sliding into his lap, he sat, straddling Jared’s body, grinding his ass down onto Jared’s cock.

“What he really wants is something hard,” he whispered, giggling, moving his hips in hard circles, rubbing over and over against Jared’s dick.

He’d been hard since he’d found J chugging beer in the kitchen.

What the fuck am I doing? Watching J with heavy eyes Jared groaned. “Stop. J, stop it.” He grabbed J at the waist in an attempt to stop him, but instead ended up sliding his hand up J’s shirt, caressing his skin.

“Ya,” J gasped, as Jared moved his hand up J’s body, reaching his nipples, rolling the small bud’s between his fingers. “Do it, touch me.”

Oh God. Jared shivered, watching J grind himself down onto his dick. “You—You’re so fucking hot.” Sliding his hand back down to J’s hips, he pulled the other man down harder onto his dick, grinding them together. ‘I dream—I dream this all the---“

“Ah, fuck me,” J moaned. “Do it, do it, do it.” Grabbing at Jared’s buckle, he struggled to unfasten in. “Fuck me, right now.”

It was like the words had cut through the drunken, lust filled haze he’d been thinking through. “Oh my God.” What the fuck am I doing?

Grabbing J’s arms he stilled the other man, gently pushing him up and off his lap, until he was kneeling on the floor. “I don’t—I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.” Shivering, he pulled away from the other man. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Feeling sick, he watched as J’s face changed from lust to confusion. Jensen isn’t even in control of himself, he thought guiltily, and we BOTH have fucking girlfriends. I’m such a creep.

“Why’d you stop?” J asked, gasping for breath.

“I can’t do this,” he replied, miserably. “I can’t fucking cheat on Sandy, she’s my goddamn fiancé for Christ’s sake.”

J smiled, low and dirty, crawling back in between Jared’s legs. “What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her,” he told him, reaching out a hand to rub against the bulge in Jared’s pants.

Jared jerked away. “No! No, I’m not going to be that guy J, and I’m not going to take advantage of Jensen either.” Feeling angry at himself he ran a hand through his hair roughly. I’m such an idiot.

“But I can do things for you that Sandy could never do,” J whispered seductively, leaning in close. “Things she won’t do.”

Sliding down, he nuzzled Jared’s cock through his pants, rubbing his lips up against the straining denim. Looking up at Jared he gave him a filthy grin. “Things I love to do.”

Gasping, Jared’s hips jerked up in reflex, pressing his dick harder against J’s mouth. “Oh God, stop it.”

“Mmm, but you want it Jared.” J said, pressing a kiss on Jared’s denim covered cock. Opening his mouth , J sucked on the bulge, then blew hotly against it. “Even Jensen wants it.” Looking up at Jared, his bottom lip caught and dragged up the hard bulge. “He dreams about it, thinks about it.”

I like everything about sucking dick. The taste. The feel. The smell.

Jensen’s words rung in the back of Jared’s head. He’d gone from embarrassed to hard ridiculously fast the second he’d heard those words. Just the idea of Jensen’s mouth full of dick, his dick, had haunted him ever since. He’d jerked off more than once, a lot more than once, to the idea of Jensen’s mouth on him since. 

But there was a big difference between a harmless fantasy, and what he was doing right now.

Shuddering, he looked down a J, who chose the moment to bite down gently on his cock, sending a sock of pleasure through his body.

Looking up at him, J moaned. “Come on Jay, fuck my mouth.”

Jesus Christ. I have to get out of here. Gathering all the strength left in his body, he pushed J away from his body and shot to his feet. Looking at the other man, sprawled out on the floor in front of him, legs spread in an obscene invitation, pretty mouth swollen and red, from rubbing against his cock, he knew he had to get out of there.

Before he did something Sandy would make him regret.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said, backing up. “I can’t do this.” And with one last glace at J’s devastated face, fled the room.

 

***

 

Jared was. Freaked. Out.

New Years had passed by without him even noticing, I probably spent the countdown with Jensen’s mouth on my dick, he though hysterically, and he’d finished the night stuck to Chad’s side, hoping to avoid another encounter with J.

His buzz mostly gone, he’d spent the rest of the night sobering up, marvelling at the stupidity of his actions. It was bad enough that he’d almost cheated on Sandy, had cheated on Sandy, but to almost violate Jensen’s body without his permission?

It was unforgivable.

Feeling sick, Jared headed for the stairs. Chad and Sofia had left an hour ago, Chris had disappeared the first hour of the party with some blond and he was exhausted. Walking down the hall towards his room, he decided all he wanted was to pass out in his big comfy bed.

Instead, he found Danneel.

“Hey.” Startled, he took a step back, giving her more space from where she’d been hovering outside Jensen’s door.

Danneel let out a tired sigh. “Hey Jared.” Giving him a weak smile she laughed, embarrassed. “I’ve been standing outside his door for ten minutes trying to work up the courage to go in.”

“Oh.” I am such a shit.

“I guess you heard we had a fight?”

“Heard? Oh, yes—ya I think J mentioned it earlier.”

Danneel turned and looked at Jared more closely, an expression of distaste on her face. “J was out?”

Mother. Fucker. “Ya, I saw him earlier for a bit. Hey, where were you?” he asked, trying to change the subject.

“Moping. In my room. How sad is that?” she asked. “Spending New Years Eve sitting in my room moping over the fact that my boyfriend doesn’t love me?” She jerked, embarrassed, as if just realizing what she said. “God, can someone shut me up?”

Anything Jared could have said was cut off by Jensen’s door opening. Brock blinked at them from the entrance of the doorway before flushing a deep shade of red when he noticed Danneel. Barley mumbling a greeting, he shouldered past them, sliding on his leather jacket as he went.

“What the fuck was that?” Danneel asked, but Jared could tell by the tone of her voice that she already had a pretty good idea.

Staring up at him, Danneel’s face became a place of stormy emotion, anger and fury clear as day. Shoving him out of the way, she pushed past the open door into Jensen’s room, and Jared, masochist that he was, followed her inside.

As soon as he entered the room, he stopped. He just stood there, taking in the twisted sheet, the pillows that had been knocked on the floor, along with a couple of condom wrappers.

So much for hopping it was nothing.

“Oh my God.”

Jared whipped his head around at the choked whisper to look at Danneel, her face stricken and pale.

“What did he do?” Shaking her head, she backed up, only stopping when she hit the wall.

The bathroom door opened, expelling a cloud of steam, and J emerged, stopping short upon seeing them. Towel wrapped low on his waist, hair wet, he was obviously fresh from the shower.

Irrational anger began to build up in his head, not because of the fact that he hurt Danneel, or had sex without Jensen’s consent, but because he had dared to let Brock touch him, when Jared so obviously couldn’t.

I am officially a fucking nutcase. Me and Jensen should start a club.

“I can’t fucking take this anymore.”

Startled, Jared’s attention was drawn back to Danneel, who stood behind him, fury radiating from every single pore. “I can’t fucking take this anymore. Now you’re fucking guys? You are not supposed to fuck guys J! Jensen is mine!”

“Please,” J scoffed. “Where you present at all during your little fight earlier? Jensen. Doesn’t. Love. You.” He said slowly, and then shrugged. “I’ll take that as a confirmation to let me do whatever the fuck I want.”

Dropping the towel, uncaring of his nudity, he slid into a pair of boxer briefs, smooth, firm skin flexing as he slid them over his ass. Still bent over he shot Jared a coy wink, as if he knew that Jared couldn’t look away. Pulling a dark t-shirt over his head, he sighed and turned back to face Danneel.

“Are you still here?” He asked, sounding bored.

“Are you my boyfriend,” she asked.

Startled, J stared at her. “Ew. Are you kidding me? No way.”

“Then why are you inside my boyfriend?”

“I dunno.”

“I want my real boyfriend, and only my real boyfriend.” To Jared’s dismay, she sounded on the verge of tears. “I can’t take this anymore.”

J sighed. “Don’t you get it? You don’t have a boyfriend. You have a friend, named Jensen, who’s too much of a pussy to tell you he’s rather just fuck you, and not deal with the rest.” J smirked. “Take my word on it, I know him pretty well.”

Danneel stared at him, tears streaming down her face. “I could take this when I didn’t have to see it...when I thought he cared about me...when I could just ignore it. I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.” Shaking her head, she back up towards the door, watching J with a look of disgusted loathing on her face. “I’m done. I’m just done.”

Jared watched her leave, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. “You really fucked it up this time J,” he said, quiet and angry. “Jensen is going to be so fucking pissed off.”

“I wouldn’t have had to do that if you hadn’t left me.” Flopping down onto the bed, J stretched his arms above his head and flipped onto his stomach to look at Jared. “If you’d just fucked me like you wanted to, but you didn’t, so I had to find someone else to fulfill my needs.” J tisked, all casual, but Jared could see the anger on his face.

“I’m not that guy, J.” Jared told him angrily. “I’m not that asshole who fucks around on his goddamn fiancé and somehow ends up justifying it to himself. I don’t want to be that guy, I hate that guy.”

“Mmm,” J nodded. “Sure felt that way when you were rubbing your cock up against my ass.”

“Fuck you!” Jared was so angry, but he didn’t who at, himself or J. “I fucking stopped, and I don’t want you either, so you can get that goddamn self-satisfied look off your face.”

“Then why’re you so angry Jared?” J smirked. “Could it be cuz I let him fuck me? Because I did you know...let him fuck me.” J faked a moan, drawing out the last words, thrusting his hips into the bed. “He fucked me so good, filled me right up. God I’m getting hard just thinking about it, about him, stretching me so—“

“Shut up!”

J laughed, delighted. “Opps. Did I hit a nerve?”

Jared didn’t say anything, had nothing left to say, just turned his face so J can’t see the confusion, the guilt, and left, J’s mocking laughter following in his wake.

 

***

 

Dr. Orson’s Office, Vancouver

February 2009

 

Jensen sat in the office, watching the hands of the wall clock move closer to eleven. The silence filling the room was excruciating in and of itself, but the watchful eyes of Dr. Orson, not having moved from him since the start of his appointment, was almost worse.

Dr. Orson broke the silence. “I think it’s safe to say that you don’t feel up to talking much today. This wouldn’t worry me too much, if I could leave it up to you having a bad day. But the fact of the matter is, you haven’t been up to talking in quite a while.”

Jensen looked at him, feeling guilty. For as much as he hated these session, hated the pain of going over horrible memories from his past, of baring the memories to a ‘trained specialist,’ Jensen could tell that Dr. Orson cared about him. He wouldn’t have stayed with the doctor if he thought he didn’t care about what Jensen went through ever week in this office.

He’d had enough of power hungry doctors messing with his head for the sake of their careers.

None of these head shirkers know shit, and this one’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse. He sighed, ignoring the voice. “Things have just been weird since New Year’s.”

New Years. The night that Danneel had confessed her love to him and he’d freaked out so badly that J had come out to screw everything up, like usual.

He’d woken up in his bed, his last memories of having a panic attack in the backyard, to find Danneel sitting on his bed, watching him sleep. He never knew what his alters had been up to until someone told him, but laying there, looking up at Danneel staring at him with such a miserable look on her face, he knew something had gone terribly wrong.

It hadn’t even been much a surprise to learn that he’d fucked somebody the night before, even if that fact that it had been Brock was slightly surprising. He’d long grown used to the feeling of waking up after a hard night of sex, body aching in the usual places, with no memories of what had happened.

Just another normal morning in his wonderful life.

Danneel had just looked at him. She’d reached out, and he’d looked down to see her rubbing at a particularly large hickey surrounding his nipple. “I’m sorry,” pulling away she’d stood back, wrapping her arms around herself. “I just can’t do this anymore Jensen, I need to be with somebody that loves me with everything inside him. I need to be with somebody that can actually love me.”

That was it. Three years of friendship and one year of—whatever they had been—over, before he even had time to process what was going on.

He still saw her all the time of course, they lived in the same house. She’d given him the “let’s be friends’ speech a couple days later, and since then, they’d been living in some kind of overly polite, overly cautious limbo.

This is why he never stayed friends with his ex’s, the awkwardness of the situation had no limits.

The weird thing was that he wasn’t that upset over the whole thing with Danneel, not even the drunken sex, because it had given them a reason to break up in the first place. Which was really for the best, after learning about how much Danneel had come to care about him, a feeling he couldn’t return, not at the same level. So he was glad that everything was done with before she had had to get hurt any worse than she had.

What was upsetting him was the weird way Jared had been treating him for the last month.

It seemed like if he wasn’t busy with school, he was busy with Sandy, if he wasn’t with Sandy he was hanging out with Chad. For the last month, Jared had spent every waking moment avoiding Jensen. At first he had thought it was his imagination, that Jared was just busy. But after the third time Jensen came into the living room to have Jared book it right out the door after he entered, Jensen realized he couldn’t fool himself any longer.

He didn’t know why he was surprised. Most people couldn’t stand to be around him for long before the freak factor began to wear thin.

Dr. Orson interrupted his musings. “Are thing still strained between you and Danneel?”

Jensen shrugged. “There fine, I mean, we get along ok. We’re just trying to give each other space right now I guess.”

“Then this has to do with Jared.”

“He’s still a.w.o.l, if that’s what you mean. I don’t know what’s going on with him. Everything was cool, and now it’s like he can’t stand the sight of me.”

“Have you asked him?”

Jensen snorted. “I’d have to get near him for that to happen.”

“Jared’s important to you, isn’t he.”

Jensen looked over at Dr. Orson, startled. “I don’t know what you mean,” he said, feeling uncomfortable.

“I think you do Jensen.” Looking over at him, Dr. Orson seemed to be fighting a smile. “I haven’t heard you talk about someone so much in therapy before. You must think of him a lot.”

“I guess,” he allowed. “I’ve just never met anybody so accepting of my condition before. It even took Chris awhile before he was comfortable around me. Jared acts like there’s nothing different about me.” Sighing he can a hand over his face. “At least before,” he muttered.

“You told me he helped you with some of your nightmares. Are you still having them?”

“Ya, some.”

“I’m going to recommend another session of hypnosis. This could help you gather your memories in a more coherent way, instead of having them come out in your dreams.”

“Yay.”

Dr. Orson laughed lightly. “I knew you would love that suggestion.”

 

***

 

Later that night Jensen finally got the chance he was waiting for.

“We’re going out.” Chris announced. “I need to get goddamn drunk.”

Which is how he finds himself at a bar two hours later matching Steve and Chris shot for shot while watching Jared and Chad laugh a couple of tables over.

“Just go talk to him,” Chris slurred. He’d started drinking before anybody else, cracking open his first beer back at the house, and didn’t show any signs of stopping. “Even Steve’s noticed he’s been a fucking weirdo lately.”

Steve nodded. “Jittery as fuck.”

He sighed. “Screw it.” Grabbing two open beers on the counter he headed towards Jared’s table, determination fuelling his stride. Jared was either going to talk to him or get a bottle shoved down his throat.

“Those were ours bitch!” Chris called from behind him.

Without turning around Jensen gave him the finger and then plopped himself down on the stool next to Jared. Giving Chad a nod he set the beer down in front of Jared. “Got you a beer. Thought we could talk about why you’ve been such an asshole lately.”

Chad coughed. “Ok, awkward. I’m going to see what Chris and Steve are up to.” Giving Jared a slap on the back he headed over to the others.

Jared didn’t even try to deny it, just gave a tired sigh and took a sip of the beer Jensen had brought over.

“Oh, trusting man,” Jensen teased. “How do you know I didn’t piss in that?”

Jared froze mid sip. Looking over at Jensen he lowered the bottle, giving him a sheepish smile. “I was hoping you weren’t that pissed at me yet?”

Jensen laughed despite himself. “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t do that to you.” Giving Jared a sharp look he added. “You’re just lucky Bo’s not out, I’ve known him to do a lot worse.”

Jared hummed, nodding. “Ya, I got that after watching him literally give some guy a wedgie last week just for cutting in front of him at the bar.”

“Last week?”Jensen thought back. “At Morton’s? I didn’t hear about you being there.”

Jared looked embarrassed. “I, uhh, left early.”

“Ok.” Jensen said firmly. “That’s what I want to talk to you about. What the fuck is going on with you? Not to sound like some kind of chick here, but you’ve been totally avoiding me.”

“I know,” Jared said, sounding miserable.

“You know?” Jensen repeated. “I know you know. I want to know why.”

“I fucked up, Jensen.” Looking over at him, Jensen could tell Jared was on the verge of tears, his face set in a completely unhappy expression, and he kept chugging back he beer in order to avoid looking at Jensen. “I fucked up and it’s my fault that Danneel broke up with you.”

“What are you talking about,” he asked, confused.

“Danneel man, all that shit that happened on New Year’s was totally my fault. I’m so fucking sorry man. I felt like everything was on me, and I guess I just kept avoiding you so I wouldn’t have to tell you.”

Jensen still didn’t understand anything more clearly. “What the fuck are you talking about? Danneel broke up with me because I screwed up, and then screwed Brock.” Jensen quirked his lips bitterly. “Even before all that shit that J got up to, she’d already been heading down that path.” Jensen shrugged and picked at the label of his beer in order to not have to look at Jared. “It’s kind of hard to stay with someone when they tell you they love you, and you can’t even say the words back.”

Jared put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder, and despite everything, Jensen felt a flush of warmth at the contact flood his body. Uncomfortable with the confused feelings the contact ignited within, he shrugged Jared off, ignoring the other man’s hurt expression.

“I don’t know about the fight you guys had, maybe it could have been fixed, Danneel sure seemed like she was ready to make up when I ran into her in the hallway. But it was my fault J went off and broke the rules that night,” Jared said.

Jensen looked at him. This time, instead of avoiding his glaze, Jared met his look full on, his eyes filled with fear and some other emotion Jensen couldn’t make out.

“I found J earlier that night in the kitchen and took him somewhere to sober up a little,” Jared continued. “We ended up in the meditation room and J started coming on to me,” Jared laughed ruefully, rubbing at the back of his neck. “You know how he is. Anyways, I started to stop him, but, things got a little...out of hand.”

“Out of hand?” Jensen couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but at the same time, could feel the words to be true. Jensen never really remembered what his alters had been up to while in control, but when people told him stories, he usually would get a familiar feeling, like he could almost remember doing it.

He had that feeling right now.

“I’m sorry Jense. I feel like such an asshole,” Jared said miserably. “I admit, you’re a really good looking guy, probably the hottest guy I’ve ever seen in real life.”

Jensen felt his face heat up (damn his fair complexion) and something tightened low in his belly, listening to Jared talk about how he found him attractive.

“And you know, everything’s good with Sandy, but we’ve never really had the most sexually charged relationship,” Jared continued with a shrug. “Not that we don’t have sex or anything! We do, we do, it’s just more comfortable, familiar, than anything else.”

Jared was starting to sound absolutely mortified by now, but Jensen, in a moment of sick revelation, was starting to realize where he was headed, and didn’t stop him.

Jared coughed, clearing his throat. “Anyways, J came on to me and somehow I went a little crazy or something, I don’t know what happened. One minute I was telling him to get off me, the next I’m grinding his face harder onto my dick.”

Jensen snorted, spraying some of the beer he’d been drinking onto Jared’s face.

“Fuck.” With a nervous sounding chuckle, Jared wiped up the beer with his sleeve. “I’m sorry man, I got out of there as soon as I realized what I was doing, but the damage was done. J was pissed I left him high and dry and went off to find someone else to get off with.” Jared let out a sharp bark of laughter. “I think he was trying to get back at me.”

Jensen was at a loss. On one hand, Jensen felt the familiar mortification that came along with discovering about J’s sexual antics. On the other hand, a slow anger was building inside of him, and Jensen, not used to lying to himself, realized it was because J had been the one to get to Jared first.

Jensen had wanted that privilege to himself for a while now.

“It’s not going to happen again.” Jared reassured him. “I was drunk and horny, and Sandy wasn’t there. I fucked up, but Jensen, I’m so sorry about what happened, I feel like I practically raped your body.”

Jensen sighed, this, he was familiar with. “You stopped though right? Before it got too far?”

“We didn’t even get past second base.” Jared replied. “I love Sandy and nothing like that is ever going to happen again. I fucked up and I’m sorry. I feel like such a creep, to you and Sandy both.”

There went the hope that Jensen might be able to work off some of the tension he felt around Jared. He’d been hoping one quick roll in the sack would get rid of the weird, warm feeling he inspired in Jensen, but it looked like that wasn’t going to happen.

“Did you know that the first person I fucked after I started disassociating was Chris?”

Jared stared at him, stunned. “No, uh, you never told me that.”

Jensen chuckled wearily. “It was before I was diagnosed. I had started losing periods of time, find myself waking up with no idea where I was, or what I’d been doing. One morning I woke up to find myself naked in bed with Chris.”

“I didn’t know Chris swung that way.” Jared said, voice soundly weirdly hollow.

“He doesn’t, not really. I’m the only guy he’s ever fucked, and it was just that one time. We got really drunk together one night, and well,” Jensen shrugged, not really knowing what to say. “It turns out it was J. He got Chris wasted, made sure he was just sober enough to stay functional, and seduced him. Ended up riding him on the couch in the middle of his parents living room,” he added bitterly.

He looked up at Jared when he heard a strange choking sound coming from the other man. “You ok?”

Jared took a sip of his beer, grip so tight on the bottle his knuckles had turned white. “I’m fine. It’s just, weird, hearing about you and Chris.”

“Ya,” Jensen laughed. “Imagine how I feel. Look, all I’m saying is, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I’ll forget about it if you do, because J didn’t need what happened between you to break the rules. He’s been waiting for the right opportunity for a while, and I think it was my fight with Danneel that gave him the excuse. He proved it that night, if it wasn’t you, it was gonna be someone else.”

Jared smiled, but it didn’t seem to reach his eyes. “Toast?” he asked, holding out his beer.

Jensen laughed. “How about, to not fucking your friends?”

Jared let out the first sincere sounding laugh Jensen had heard that night and clinked their glasses together. “I’ll drink to that.”

 

***

 

Four beers later, it was reaching two in the morning, and Jensen and Jared had joined the others by the bar, who had decided to change gears from sharing bullshit stories to razzing on Jared.

“So then he turns to me and says,” Chad said, laughing. “Do you think I still have to get her a ring?”

Chris and Steve burst out laughing.

“Shit Jared,” Chris said, gasping for air. “You’ve got to be the sorriest excuse for a fiancé this side of the Atlantic.”

Chad shook his head. “I took him out the next day to get one, before she used his balls as an engagement ring.”

“You don’t know women very well do you?” asked Chris. “The song is true my friend. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, don’t ever forget it.”

Jared nodded, laughing along, but couldn’t really pay attention to the conversation. All he kept picturing was the image of Jensen, drunk off his ass, riding Chris on his parent’s couch. It had filled him with a burning jealously the first time he’s heard about it hours ago, and had yet to leave him.

What the fuck was the matter with him? Everything was resolved with Jensen. Sandy didn’t know about Jared’s fuck up and everything could go back to normal, but all Jared could think about was Chris’s hands (someone else’s hands) all over Jensen’s body.

It filled him with a sick, vile feeling, turning his stomach and distracting him from the surrounding conversation.

“Jensen once had this girl he was screwing. Dragged him into stores to get him to buy her something every time Jensen went to see her. He ended up dumping her, said he felt like he was sleeping with a hooker,” Chris said laughing.

Jared looked up at that. Great more images I didn’t need. Unable to help himself he asked Chris, “so has Jensen hook up with a lot of people?” What the fuck is wrong with me? I need to shut up.

Chris snorted. “A lot of people? Jensen had a period where he slept with someone new every second day, and that’s not including his alters.”

“Ah.” Jared looked away, wondering where the man in question was. Hopefully not fucking someone in a bathroom stall, he thought bitterly, startled at the viciousness of his thoughts. He didn’t understand what was wrong with him. He’d never had a problem listening to stories about Jensen’s conquests before, but ever since New Year’s he’d felt a rising level of jealousy, of possessiveness, that he knew he had no right to.

Fucking around with one of his alters does not make him yours, he reminded himself. Especially when you belong to someone else anyways. Feeling guilty he thought of Sandy. But just like it hadn’t worked anytime in the last month, thinking of Sandy now didn’t do anything to diminish the feelings he could feel raging within himself.

Chris smirked, look over Jared’s shoulder. “Speak of the devil. There he now, conquest and all.”

Turning around, he looked across the bar to see Jensen cornered into a booth in the back, Brock pushed up against him, talking quickly.

He was up and off his seat before he even realized what he was doing, heading towards the pair.

“Where are you going?” Chad asked him.

“I’m gonna go challenge Jensen to darts,” he called over his shoulder. “I was getting kind of tired listening to you rag on me anyways.” Ignoring the others calling back at him, he stalked towards Jensen’s booth, a hot feeling growing inside of him with every touch Brock placed on Jensen’s body.

“And I know you loved it too,” he could here Brock saying, the closer Jared got to the table. “It was the best fuck of my life.” Brock slid even closer to Jensen, one hand rubbing against his jaw. “I remember how you begged me to give it to you harder, you couldn’t get enough. You were amazing.” Jared could hear the awe in his voice, and it did nothing to calm him down.

Jensen pulled away from Brock, stopping Jared short before he reached the table. “No I don’t remember it Brock,” he said, sounding annoyed, but (to Jared’s fury) turned on. “I wasn’t myself at the time, remember? I know Chris told you about me.”

“I thought you’d still remember everything though. Chris said J was just another personality of yours. He never said you didn’t know what was going on,” Brock said, sounding confused.

Jared couldn’t stand to listen to this for another second.

“Jensen.” He stopped in front of the table, waiting until both men looked up at him. “You wanna go play darts?”

Looking up at him Jensen seemed to light up in relief. “Yes.” He turned to a disappointed looking Brock and smiled apologetically. “I actually had something I needed to discuss with Jared. We’ll talk more later ok?”

Not if I have anything to do with it, Jared thought.

Brock nodded, hiding his disappointment and turned to give Jared a wide smile. God damn bastared’s almost as good looking as Jensen. “Ya of course. Jared, hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. Everything going good?”

“Great.” He bit out.

Giving him a weird look at the tone of his reply, Brock nodded again. “Great man. I haven’t seen you at one of our shows in a while, you should come out. We have another gig at the Point in two weeks. It’s gonna be awesome.”

Watching Jensen slide out of the booth Jared nodded again, feeling slight less homicidal now that Brock wasn’t plastered against Jensen any longer. “Cool. I’ll be there.” Giving Brock the most sincere smile he could muster, he dragged Jensen off towards the dart boards.

“What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Nothing man,” Jensen replied, shooting him a grin. “I just needed to get out of there, poor kid was about to ask me out to dinner or something. I wouldn’t mind fucking him again, but I’m pretty sure he wants a little more than that.”

Awesome, Jared thought sarcastically. “You don’t mind that he screwed J?”

“Did I hold it against you?” Jensen shot back.

Touché. “Well, I needed to get away from the guys, if I had to hear one more marriage joke come out of Chad’s mouth I was gonna go insane,” he said, changing the subject.

“Hmm,” Jensen leaned against the far wall, waiting for the two guys using the dartboard to finish their game. “He still bugging you about getting married.”

“Yes,” Jared said, rolling his eyes. “Like he’s not the most whipped motherfucker in California. He’s all talk, but Sofia’s got him by the balls.”

“Maybe he’s just jealous you did it first,” Jensen offered.

Jared snorted. “He’s welcome to it. If I have to hear Sandy and her aunt talk about one more wedding idea, for a wedding that’s at least two years away, it’s going to be to one too many.”

“Maybe it’s that kind of attitude that has him making jokes.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jensen sighed. “Look, why are you marrying her?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jared looked at Jensen, affronted.

“It’s simple man. I know you were totally drunk when you proposed, but why did you do it in the first place? Why do you want to marry her?”

Jared had the feeling this was supposed to be a simple question, and the fact that he couldn’t think up a reason fast enough pissed him off. “I don’t know, because I love her?” he said after a moment. “We’ve been together forever, I guess this is just the next logical step.”

“What were you thinking when you proposed to her?”

“Why are you asking me this?” Jared asked.

Jensen smiled. “I just want you to think about this stuff man, marriage is a big step.”

Jared laughed, embarrassed. “Ok, I’ll tell you something I’ve never told anybody before.” He leaned in close, whispering to Jensen. “I don’t actually remember proposing to her. I was so drunk I blanked out the whole night, woke up the next morning, engaged, with no clue how the fuck that happened.” He shrugged. “Sandy was so happy I couldn’t take it back, so I said I remembered everything, and that was that.”

“Couldn’t take it back?” Jensen asked, cocking an eyebrow at him. “So you wanted to?”

Jared hesitated, but decided to tell Jensen the truth, if there was anybody that he could tell, it would be him. “Ya, at first. I was twenty man, I wasn’t ready to get married. But I couldn’t really see a reason to tell her I didn’t want to marry her so...” Jared shrugged.

“And you’re ready now?”

“I’ve had time to get used to the idea.”

“Dude!” Jensen laughed. “You don’t get used to marriage.”

“Well I did.” Jared frowned. “So are you satisfied with interrogating me?”

“I would be,” Jensen replied. “If you’d given me the correct answers.”

“The correct answers?” Jared let out an amused chuckle. “You’re full of shit.”

Jensen shook his head. “I’m serious man. In my book, the only way I’d marry somebody—tie myself to somebody for the rest of my life, is if I couldn’t live without them. If the idea of not having them in my life until I die was unimaginable. I can’t see how any other kind of long term relationship would work without that.” Jensen shrugged. “All you said was you were marrying her because it was the next logical step.”

Jared stared at him, flustered. “You’re an asshole.”

Jensen laughed like he hadn’t just accused Jared of potentially entering a doomed marriage. “Hey, I just tell it like it is. Something to think about.” He nodded over to the dartboard, which had just cleared up.“We gonna play?”

Watching Jensen swagger over to the dartboard, he realized Jensen could be just as big of an asshole as Bo. He just hid it better.

 

***

 

Jensen didn’t understand at first.

He was in the living room of his house, having come down stairs for a late night glass of water, and had found Him sitting on the couch, casually, like it was an everyday occurrence.

He wasn’t even ten feet away from the phone.

The man was smiling, and his pleasant expression and tone of voice didn’t match his words. “If you scream or alert anybody that I’m in the house—“ at this moment he slid his had out of his jacket to reveal a gun “—I’ll shoot everybody that gets in between us.”

He must have seen the confusion and panic in his eyes, because he added, “what did you think would happen Jensen? Did you think I was just going to let you walk away? Did you think I was just going to let you leave—leave me, like everything we shared had never mattered?” It was at this point that his words began to come out a little harder, little meaner, and his eyes turned frosty cold.

And finally Jensen understood. I’m never going to be free of him.

“I want you to come back with me,” he told Jensen as he stood up, stretching a hand out for the younger man to hold. “I promise to forget everything, if you promise to never leave me again.”

Jensen knew what he should do. He should run for help, lock himself in the spare bedroom five feet away and call the police. He should be the strong Texan male his father had tried to raise him to be before he died and knock this man out, steal the gun. He should not be cowering like a weakling.

But this man had never needed a gun to made Jensen feel like the weakest person in the world.

Grabbing Jensen by the back of the neck he pulled them together in a tight embrace, gun held in the hand resting on Jensen’s lower back.

“You’re mine Jensen, remember that. I’ve owned you all your life, and that isn’t going to change now,” he whispered. Pulling them even closer, he dragged Jensen down for a bruising angry kiss, biting harshly at Jensen’s lips.

Which is when Mac walked into the room. “Jensen, why is the light—“ Pausing in shock she took in the scene before her. “Uncle Greg?”

Jensen stood stock still as his uncle pulled away from him. Looking into the other man’s eyes, he knew this would not end well, the man’s eyes having gone from ice cold to arctic.

“Go to bed Mackenzie,” he said, his voice only shaking slightly.

“What are you doing to him?” she cried. Striding over from the hall she grabbed Jensen by the arm, trying to pull him away from their uncle.

That was her first mistake.

Uncle Greg had always been extremely good at giving explanations as to why he and Jensen should spend so much time alone. “Manly bonding” and “fishing trips” were just a few of the reason’s he would give Jensen’s mother.

“That boy needs a man in his life” he’d say. “Now that his father and brother aren’t here to show him the ropes.”

And his mother would thank her brother profusely, eagerly showing them out the door. Jensen always did what his uncle told him, ever since the imposing man had started to become a large presence in his life at the age of 5, right after the car accident that took his father and brother’s lives.

Until last night, when he finally gotten the courage to speak up, and had punched his uncle in the face, and told him to never come near him again, that he wasn’t ever going to go anywhere with his uncle ever again.

That he’d finally found someone who really loved him.

No, his uncle was not in a reasonable frame of mind, and his sister’s act of pulling him away was her first mistake.

Anger clear on her face, she cried out to their mother, sleeping one floor above. “Mom!”

That was her last.

 

***

 

March 2009

 

Jared woke up, and found himself staring at the shadows on his ceiling.

He frowned, sitting up to look around his room, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He’d sworn he’d heard shouting or something loud nearby, but the night seemed silent and still now. Looking over at the nightstand beside his bed, the red glare of his digital clock shown at 5 o’clock in the morning.

This is why I shouldn’t let Jensen convince me to split a meatball sub with him one hour before bed, he thought, falling back onto his bed.

His blankets seemed to suffocate him, wrapped around his legs and torso, so he kicked them off until he could lay back on the bed in his boxers. The dim light in the room didn’t leave much to see, except for the shadows that loomed in his room, painting his walls and ceiling in an ominous atmosphere.

Ignoring the shadows, he closed his eyes and let him mind drift in an attempt to get back to sleep. He’d promised Sandy he’d pick her up for breakfast tomorrow, and if there was any chance of him waking up before ten, it was only going to be if he had a full nights rest. His mind drifting, Jared was almost felling back to sleep when he heard it again.

“NO! Please stop it!”

Bolting upright in his bed he turned to look at the wall next to him. That wasn’t a dream, he thought. That was Jensen. Scrambling out of bed, he took off in the direction of Jensen’s room, bursting past the others man’s bedroom door, to take in the sight in front of him.

Twisting and turning on his bed lay Jensen. He’d somehow managed to kick off his blankets sometime during the night and was only covered by his boxer briefs and a thin t-shirt that looked like it was choking him, wrapped up to tight around his throat. In one of the more fitful sleeps Jared had ever witnessed Jensen in, he tossed his body every couple of second, muttering things Jared was too far away to hear.

“I hate you! You son of a bitch,” Jensen shouted suddenly, startling Jared from his spot at the door. Sitting up in his bed, Jensen took one wild look around the room and then collapsed back onto himself, sobbing loudly.

Snapping out of his stupor, Jared quickly moved to kneel behind Jensen and gathered him up in his arms. Since the first night that Jared had found Jensen in the middle of a nightmare, he’d spent many nights waking the other man up, and despite Jensen’s weak protests, often ended up spending the night wrapped up tight around the other man, giving him comfort the only way he knew how to give.

It actually surprised him how completely non sexual the experience was. As attracted as Jared was to Jensen, watching the other man fall apart in front of him did absolutely nothing for his libido, no matter how close together they ended up sleeping together.

They never really talked about it. The one time Jensen had tried to tell Jared that he didn’t have to stay with him after he woke him up, Jared had just told him that he didn’t like sleeping alone anyways. If he got to comfort a friend and cure his loneliness, it was killing two birds with one stone, he’d told the other man.

But it had never been this bad before. For as often as Jensen woke him up with nightmares (of which he always refused to discuss) Jared had never see the other man cry since the first night he had woke him up.

“It’s ok, it’s ok. I’m here now,” Jared soothed, rocking Jensen softly.

Jensen clung to Jared tighter, but his crying did not let up at all, if anything, it got worse. Shifting them both until they were lying on the bed, Jared moved until he was wrapped around Jensen, the other man’s head laying on his chest, and tried to give him comfort.

He had no idea what to do. 

Eventually Jensen began to calm down, stifling the noises he was making, until he became silent in Jared’s arms. Once the silence had gone on a little too long Jared dared to glace down at Jensen’s face.

“Are you ok?”

His question was answered with a quick shove to the ribs, forcing Jared to loosen his hold, and letting Jensen sneak out of his embrace until he could plaster himself at the far end of the bed.

Eyes darting wildly around the room Jensen kept scuttling farther and farther away from Jared until his back hit the wall.

Jack, his mind supplied.

“No touch, no touch!” Jack shouted, rubbing hands up and down his arms. Standing up abruptly, Jack jumped down from the bed and began to dress quickly. “Much to do, much to do,” he muttered to himself. “Can’t let laziness get in the way.”

“Jack,” Jared said slowly. “Jack, look at me.” When Jack proceeded to ignore him, he let his voice raise a little louder and harder. “Jack look at me!”

Jack stopped halfway out the door and slowly turned to look at Jared. Trembling slightly, he shuffled forward and bowed his head. “What, what?”

Jared loathed to treat the other man so harshly, but he’d found with experience that the only way to really get Jack’s attention was to be firm, otherwise he’d slip away before you noticed.

Actually, he had to be firm with all of Jensen’s alters, in order to get them to listen to him, but Jack was the one that took it the hardest. It sort of felt like yelling at a week old kitten, when he stared at him with wide hurt eyes.

“Why are you here Jack?” he asked, softening his voice a little. “Do you remember anything about Jensen’s dream?”

This was always the hardest. For a often as Jared ended up comforting Jensen to sleep after a nightmare, there was just as many times when his alters would come out and take over, and if Jensen was bad at talking about his nightmares, his alters were even worse.

This time though, Jack surprised him

“Bad man,” he whispered. “Bad man came to get us and now we are never going to be free.”

Jared stilled. Jack had never talked about Jensen’s nightmares before. He was one of the most skittish people Jared had ever met and usually responded the worst to Jared’s proding.

“What bad man?” he whispered, afraid to spook the other man. “Who’s the bad man, Jack?”

Jack shook his head quickly. “Can’t say, can’t say,” he whispered. “Promised to keep quiet. Quiet as a mouse.”

Stifling a groan of frustration Jared tired another angle. “Who did you promise Jack?”

But apparently Jack was done being cooperative because he took a sharp step back and began walking towards the door again. “I have much to do!” he said loudly, a wide smile taking the place of the devastated expression he’d been wearing just a moment before. “Don’t be lazy! Misha said I could help him set up for his fundraiser.”

Taking one last look at Jared, sprawled out on his bed, he smiled again, this time a little uncertainly. “Don’t be lazy!” With those parting words he quickly left the room.

“How can I be lazy?” Jared asked himself. “When I’m getting woken up at five in the morning four nights a week?”

 

***

 

“Who’s the bad man?” he asked Chris later that day.

He was sitting out in the backyard next to Chris, each lounging on a lawn chair. It was still early in the day, barely ten o’clock, but when Chris had come outside to find Jared watching Jack follow Misha around the backyard (helping him set up for the fundraiser he was hosting at the house that night) and handed him a beer, Jared hadn’t protested.

Chris froze mid sip and looked at Jared out of the corner of his eye, all the while facing Jack, who at the moment was excitedly throwing party streamers around the trees surrounding the house.

“What are you talking about?”

“Jack,” Jared said. “Jack said that Jensen had been dreaming about the bad man and that he couldn’t ever get away from him or something like that.” Jared didn’t feel bad about telling Chris this, if anybody knew about Jensen’s past, it was bound to be the man he was talking about.

Chris just stared at him. “He’s been having nightmares?”

Jared frowned. “He didn’t tell you?”

Chris barked out a sharp laugh. “When does that kid tell me anything?” He looked at Jared with a speculative look. “He tells you about his dreams?” he asked.

“Not in so many words,” Jared hedged. “I just, I just help him a lot, when he’s had a bad night, and sometimes he tells me things about his dreams. Not a lot,” he said quickly. “Just things about feeling trapped, like he can’t move. Sometimes he talks about feeling really scared or threatened, but this is the first time I’ve heard about a ‘bad man’.”

Chris sighed, turning to look back at Jack. The alter was in a surprisingly good mood, considering the events of this morning, and was hanging onto Misha’s every word as if he was explaining how to make gold out of straw. 

“Do you know who he is?”

“I only know of one man who Jensen was ever really scared of,” Chris said.

“Who?” Jared asked, frustrated. Jensen was such a mystery to him. He always seemed like one of the strongest people Jared had ever met, so sure of himself, so confident, but at the same time, very quiet, almost shy. He was an oxymoron and the more Jared got to know him, the more he wanted to understand him.

But he had a feeling that would never happen without knowing Jensen’s past.

“So he’s been remembering?” Chris asked. “I thought returning to therapy would help him remember his past, but he hasn’t said anything to me, so I had no idea if it was working or not.”

Jared hesitated. “I don’t know how well exactly it’s working, but I know that his nightmares are bringing up things he’d forgotten, and he mentioned something about hypnosis, that he’s been remembering with the help of that too.”

“Good.” Chris said in a hard voice. “If he’s ever gonna get any better, he needs to face his past, especially by remembering it, not just knowing vague facts told to him about it.”

“Is this bad man the one that hurt him?”

“His uncle,” Chris said abruptly. “I’m pretty sure Jack was talking about Jensen’s uncle.” He let out an ugly laugh. “That sick fucker was obsessed with Jensen for years. I don’t know all the details, but I do know that he considered Jensen his property.”

“His property?” Jared asked, sickened.

Chris turned to face him. ‘Look man, things were fucked up then. We were just kids, and me and Jensen had only really started to get close about a year before everything went down.”

“When what went down?”

“I had some idea of what was going on towards the end,” Chris continued, ignoring Jared’s question. “I knew that god damn bastard was a sick fuck. You could see it in the way he looked at Jensen, but no matter how many times I pleaded for him to get help he always told me I was imagining things.”

By this point it was completely obvious what Chris was talking about, and the idea of Jensen—beautiful, strong Jensen—growing up with some sick asshole after him, made Jared sick to his stomach.

“And he’s remembering this?” Jared asked, stricken. “Maybe it’s better for him to just forget it if he can, I know I’d want to.”

Chris looked at him sharply. “No. Jensen’s repressed this shit for too long, it’s why he can’t handle anything without his alters to fall back on. Remembering everything might not cure him, but I really think this is gonna help him heal from his past. Then maybe he can finally cope with what went down.”

“What went down? What are you talking about.” Jared repeated.

Chris looked away. “Look man, I can tell you mean well, and I can tell you care about Jensen a hell of a lot, and he must know it too or he would never trust you with things he won’t even tell me about. But some things are for Jensen to tell, even if he might not remember everything, he’s heard what other people know, and it’s his right to tell you or not.”

Jared sighed. “Fine, but don’t think I’m gonna let this go. If something is hurting Jensen, I wanna know about it. I want to help.”

Chris smiled at him. “You know what? I actually believe you.” And with one last sip of his beer, he headed over towards Jack and Misha.

Looking at Chris walk away Jared sighed. A few feet away Jack ran up to greet him, and a heavy feeling sunk to the pit of Jared’s stomach.

“I just hope I can,” he whispered to himself.

 

***

 

“You completely stood me up! I waited all morning for you to show up, I even woke up early—on a Saturday by the way, just to go, and you stood me up!”

Jared poked at the appetizers he’d piled onto his plate from the buffet table. Either mushy and gray or hard, square and beige, it didn’t look like any food Jared had ever seen before. “Does this actually qualify as food?”

“It’s tofu, you know Misha’s a vegetarian, --and stop ignoring me! You stood me up Jared!” By this point Sandy had gotten so worked up that she was practically yelling, not that it mattered. The music coming from the backyard was so loud it practically drowned out the sound of her voice.

Jared turned to her, exasperated. “I don’t know what you want me to say Sandy. I already told you that Jensen had had a bad night and I wanted to stick around and make sure he was ok. I’m sorry if I forgot to call you, but I had other things on my mind!”

“It seems like you always have other thing on your mind lately.”

Jared was beginning to get annoyed. “I’m sorry if, for the first time ever, I have a social circle that extends farther than you, Chad and Sofia. I didn’t realize me getting friends was such an inconvenience for you.”

“That’s not the point Jared! The point is that I am your fiancé, and you should give a at least a little bit of consideration when something comes up. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened!” By this point Sandy’s voice had gotten so loud that it didn’t matter how loud the music was, everybody could hear what she was saying. Jared could feel the stares of those around him as people took in the spectacle they were making.

“Keep your voice down,” he hissed. “I don’t want to embarrass Misha at his own party!”

Sandy just ignored him and continued with her tirade. “Just last week we were supposed to go to the movies to see that new action flick with the zombies, and I find out from you the next day that the reason I couldn’t get a hold of you that night is because you went with Jensen!”

“I told you I forgot you wanted to see it. We already talked about this, beside you usually hate that kind of movie, how was I supposed to remember you wanted to go see it?” Jared was glad that Misha had been spending most of the evening out in the backyard, trying to get people to buy tickets for the door prize (a free helicopter ride over the city curtsy of a friend of Misha’s). The last thing Jared wanted was his friends to see him at this moment.

“That’s beside’s the point Jared! Again, you are not listening to what I’m saying. Lately it feels like you have time for everybody but me..” Sandy was now beginning to look more hurt than mad, but Jared didn’t really have it in himself to be sympathetic. He’d always put her first in everything, and now that somebody else needs him for the first time, she freaks out?

She was acting like Jared was tossing her aside, when all he really wanted to do was be there for his friend.

Jared was pretty relieved that Jensen wasn’t around to see this. Jack had been sticking to Misha pretty closely all night, following his every move and trying twice as hard to sell raffle tickets all night.

Which is why it was a surprise to see Bo watching their fight from a couple of feet away.

Jared startled, tuning Sandy out, and concentrated on Bo. He’d never seen Jensen switch from one alter to another without coming back to himself first, and there was no way that he had time to do that, he’d seen Jack not even half an hour ago. Bo had even had time to change into his usually outfit of jeans and black t-shirt with his favourite cowboy hat sitting perched on his head.

Jared frowned, more worried than ever before. What had Jensen been dreaming about was so bad that he didn’t want to come back to himself?

Sandy grabbed his arm, knocking him back into the conversation. She looked about ready to cry. Jared stared at her, overwhelmed, when had the conversation gotten so bad that she looked so close to tears? “What are you thinking about that you won’t even listen to me when I’m yelling at you?” she whispered.

Turing to look over her shoulder where Jared had been staring, she gave a snort of disgust and pushed Jared away from her. “Of course. How can you pay attention to me, when Jensen is standing in the same room?” Giving him an angry look she added, “ I’m getting out of here, come talk to me when you have your priorities straight.”

Watching her storm away, he winced as she stalked past Bo, slamming into his shoulder on the way out. It wasn’t like Sandy to be so vicious, she must have been even angrier than he had thought.

“She’s lucky I’m a proper southern gentlemen and don’t hit no women, or she’d be on the floor before she got two feet from me,” Bo drawled, sounding amused.

Jared sighed, watching Sandy slam the door on her way out of the house. He really should go after her, but seeing Bo relaxing in front of him made it impossible to ignore that someone else needed him more.

“What’s the matter with Jensen, Bo? Why won’t he come back to himself?”

Bo stiffened. “Some things ain’t talked about, this is one of them.”

“So is everybody going to ignore the shit out of me when I want to know what’s going on?” Jared asked dryly.

“Can we end this conversation? I don’t think I can sit through anothern attempt at a heart to heart,” Bo growled. “If I wanted to have an awkward conversation with a woman I’d go find pretty little Danneel.”

Jared just looked at the other man, annoyed. He could tell by the stubborn look in his eye that the alter wasn’t going to cave and decide to talk to him. “What do you feel like doing then?” Jared asked with exasperation.

“Well! Now that’s more like it!” Bo turned to him, scowl gone from his face like it had never been there. “It’s a party, what do you think I feel like doin’?”

“Drinking?” He asked, amused.

“And women!” Bo agreed, a wide smile on his face. “There’s bound to be a couple of lonely ladies waiting for us tonight.”

Why am I not surprised. Jared shook his head. “I think Sandy might actually kill me if I went chasing women with you.” He shot Bo a grin. “You, she might just maim a little.”

Bo frowned. “This is why women are more trouble than their worth, they always find a way to interrupt a man’s fun.” He perked up. “Oh well, more for me!” Shooting Jared a wink he trotted after a blond that had just walked by.

Watching the blonds face get stormier with every work Bo said to her Jared winced and headed over to save his friend. It was pretty funny when he thought about it actually. For as much as he found himself getting possessive of Jensen, all he managed to muster up towards Bo’s antics was amusement.

“What is wrong with you? You’re a pig!” Jared arrived just in time to watch the blond slap Bo across the face and storm off.

“Guess she didn’t appreciate your pick up lines,” he laughed.

Bo shrugged. “No loss of mine, she was uglier than homemade soup.” He pointed over toward a brunette sitting on the living room couch. “No that is a little more worth my time.”

Jared sighed and resigned himself to following Bo around all night in his quest to find the easiest girl at the party. He’d just have to find out what was wrong with his friend tomorrow.

And this time, I’m not letting him get out of talking to me about what’s been keeping him up at night.

 

***

 

Jared woke up in the morning to the sound of Jensen dry heaving. Drawn out of his room by the sound of his friend being violently sick in the hallway bathroom, he stumbled over to the bathroom, leaning against the doorframe, and watched his friend revisit his dinner.

“I told Bo not to have those last couple of Jagger bombs, but he didn’t listen to me. Idiot thinks he’s got a steel stomach.” Jared smirked as his friend let out a miserable moan and continued to watch him dry heave for another minute or so before his conscience got the better of him. “Here,” showing him the bottle of water he’d snagged from his bedside table he pressed the bottle to his friends lips. “Drink this, you’ll feel way better with some water in your system.”

“God,” Jensen moaned after having drank half the bottle in one go. “That just makes me want to puke all over again.”

“No shit dumbass, you chugged that shit almost as fast as Bo consumes whiskey. But you’ll feel better in the long run.” Grabbing a couple of towels from under the sink he set them out on the counter and headed over towards the door. “Take a shower and clean up, then meet me in the kitchen. I’ll make something to eat.” Ignoring Jensen’s protests he quickly headed out the door, closing it with a silent click.

Jensen met him in the kitchen thirty minutes later looking a hundred times better, although the mulish expression across his face hadn’t receded any. Dropping down into the stool across from where Jared was putting together a pair of sandwiches Jensen took a curiously look around the room.

“Where is everybody? Usually everybody’d be pigging out right along with us.”

“Misha and Chris headed out to help Steve with something, I didn’t ask what.” Jared hesitated before continuing. “I saw Danneel head out with some guy late last night so she probably hasn’t even gotten home yet.” Watching Jensen’s face, he examined the other man for any kind of reaction, but was only met with stoic disinterest. “That bother you at all?”

Jensen shrugged. “She can do whatever she wants man, no skin off my back.”

Jared felt the same familiar frustration he’d been feeling for the last couple of days begin to build back up. “Don’t do that,” he snapped. “If something’s bothering you, you don’t have to brush that shit off man, not with me.”

Jensen rolled his eyes. “What do you want me to say? Does it suck that I spent the night puking my guts up while Danneel got it given to her by some random looser, ya it sure as fuck does. But what do you want me to do about it? Cry?” he snorted, pushing his food away and headed back towards the living room. “I pretty much asked for her to break up with me, I’m not gonna cry about it now.”

Jared followed him into the other room, and stopped the shorter man from getting any farther by grabbing his arm. “That’s not even what I’m really talking about dude,” he said quietly, “I’m talking about you getting so freaked out by a dream that you spent almost twenty four hours flipping between alters.”

As much as he knew that this topic was pretty much a no go zone with Jensen, he was still surprised when his friend ripped out of his grasp and pushed him so hard he almost fell on his ass.

“That’s none of your fucking business, dude,” Jensen mocked. “If I want to have a warm fuzzy bonding moment I have an uptight dickhead that I pay to listen to me for that.”

“Maybe it is my business,” Jared replied. “When I spend four to five nights out of seven helping you calm down from whatever crazy stuff is going on in your head.”

Jensen laughed. It wasn’t a happy sound. “Crazy? Don’t hold back, tell me how you really feel.”

“Don’t. You know that’s not what I meant.” Jared wondered when his mouth was going to stop getting him in to trouble. He always seemed to say the wrong thing, especially around Jensen. “I just want to help you Jensen, don’t you think I of all people know how messed up your memories are making you?”

Jensen fell silent and avoided his glaze. It was painfully obvious to Jared that he didn’t want to talk about it. As far as Jared could see, that was the majority of the problem. He’d been helping Jensen get over his nightmares and sleeping in his friends bed for months now, and yet, they have never once talked about it. The nightmares, or the fact that Jared spent most nights wrapped around him.

“Just let me help you.”

“Let it go.”

Flopping back onto the couch, Jensen laid his head back and looked up. Jared had been so preoccupied thinking about what was going on with Jensen that he hadn’t really looked at Jensen, but now, looking at him up close, he looked more beat up than a simple hangover. He looked exhausted.

Jensen examined him as he sat down next to him. “Maybe you all need to realize is what I don’t need is to talk about it. Maybe what I need is to forget this shit ever happened.”

“Don’t keep this stuff inside you man. If you’re remembering anything, talk me about it. Secrets don’t ever help anything.”

Jensen snorted. “Like you’re one to talk.”

Jared stared at him. “What’s that supposed to mean.”

“Well, let’s start with the most obvious. How about the fact you refuse to tell Sandy that you don’t want to marry her.”

“What are you talking about?” he asked, careful to keep his temper in check. Jensen was upset, he probably didn’t even know what he was talking about.

Jensen shrugged. “Anybody with two eyes can see how unenthusiastic you are about getting married.”

Jared didn’t even know what to say to that.

“And then you go and make out with one of my alters,” Jensen continued. “What else am I supposed to think?”

“We—we didn’t make out,” Jared sputtered.

“Sorry, dry humped,” he replied dryly.

“That was just a drunken one off!”

“That stemmed from somewhere,” Jensen pointed out. “Or am I such a hot ass you that it was just me you couldn’t resist,” he mock leered.

He knew he would regret being honest, he knew Jensen wasn’t going to just take what he’d learned and never bring it up again.

“You’re a jerk,” he muttered. “You know your gorgeous. It’s hard enough to resist someone like J when you’re sober, but drunk it’s practically impossible.”

Jensen seemed to startle at those words, losing the mocking expression that had covered his face, and locked eyes with Jared. He seemed to being looking for something, although Jared had no idea what, and refused to remove his gaze, even when Jared, uncomfortable under the scrutiny, tried to break the tension by giving him the finger.

“What?” If he doesn’t say something soon I’m going to snap.

“I wanna try something.” Leaning closer Jensen slid over on the couch until their thighs were touching. “Don’t freak out ok?”

Jared would like to be able to say that in that moment he had no idea what Jensen had been about to do, that he had been a complete innocent in what happened next. But the fact of the matter is that it was completely obvious what his friend had been about to do, and Jared had done not one thing to stop it, doesn’t think he could have even if he wanted to.

Leaning closer until their lips brushed against one another, Jensen let out a nervous breath, and brought their mouths together is a hesitant kiss. Pulling away to look into Jared’s eyes, whatever he saw there must have given him more confidence because he quickly leaned forward again to press into a deeper kiss, and Jared put his arms around Jensen to pull him closer and kissed him back.

This was a mistake. He knew it was a mistake. The last time he’d let himself fall under Jensen’s spell it had been a no hold bars, bona fide, full throttle mistake. He’d taken advantage of J, of Jensen, and of the trust that Sandy placed in him.

And yet. And yet he found himself unable to stop from pulling Jensen over from his side of the couch onto his lap. His arms were around him, his tongue was in his mouth, and he was angling his head to kiss Jensen even deeper.

This was insanity.

It was past insanity, because he recognized it as such, and yet found himself unable to stop.

He’d never actually held Jensen like this before, not really. Even the incident with J, while extremely sexual, had been much more impersonal than what was happening right now. Holding Jensen close, every touch, every kiss, felt strangely familiar, yet completely different from the all consuming lust J seemed to build in him.

What had happened with J had, even while it was happening, made him feel ashamed, almost dirty. The only thing Jared could feel coursing though his body with Jensen pressed to close to him was how perfectly they seemed to fit together.

His lips were soft, and his mouth tasted sweet, like the minty toothpaste that Jared had borrowed from him the other night. Jared knew that now that he knew what the inside of Jensen’s mouth tasted like he’d never be able to look at the other man without want to revisit that memory.

Jensen pulled away with a gasping laugh, “I guess this is you not freaking out then?”

“I—“ Anything that Jared had been about to say was cut off by the sound of the Pussycat Dolls “Don’t Cha” starting up on his cell phone.

Sandy.

What was he doing? Hadn’t he just promised himself that he wouldn’t find himself in this position again? Hadn’t he promised that ever since that incident with J that he would do everything in his power to make it up to Sandy for being such an unfaithful douchbag? This is defiantly not the way to go about doing that.

Feeling Jared tense under him, Jensen obviously sensed the change in his mood. Sliding off of him he stood a couple paces back and hugged his arms around his middle.

“I guess this must be you freaking out.”

Jared had no idea what to say. “Jensen I can’t—“

Jensen held up a hand. “Don’t man, don’t go there. This isn’t a big deal ok? This is just a—“ he broke off with a frustrated growl. “There’s just—look, I’m not an idiot ok? I realize there’s tension between us. I just thought, maybe we could resolve some of it. Maybe tale the edge off, and we could go back to being friends without it hanging over our heads. But this,” he said, gesturing between the two of them, “Is not a big deal. So don’t freak out ok?”

“So we should make sure to be able to stay strictly platonic...by having sex?”

“Who said anything about sex,” Jensen said defensively, but at Jared’s pointed look let out a weary chuckle. “Ok, whatever, this obviously was a stupid idea, let’s just forget it.” Obviously frustrated, he angrily ranked his hands through his hair and looked away from Jared.

“Jensen man we need to talk about this, we need to sort—“

“Talk, talk, talk. All everybody wants to do is talk. Why is everybody so fucking boring?” Turning to look at him J cocked his eyebrow, as if expecting an actual answer.

“What the—J why are you out?”

“Maybe Jensen was bored with your lame attempts to talk too?” J suggested. “I’d be about time he grew a personality and stopped angsting over everything. It can get kind of tiring.” He mocked whispered.

Ok, so Jensen felt like he needed J at the moment. He could work with that. And even though the last time he’d talked to the alter had been just after he’d dry humped him, it didn’t mean this had to be awkward.

He gave Jared a once over. “Ok so just to clarify, you’re not going to fuck me or Jensen?”

Okay. Now the mood in the room was defiantly awkward.

“I’m thinking not.” Jared said. “I think Sandy would defiantly object to that, and since I like my balls where they are...” He left the rest of the sentence speak for itself.

“Hmm.” Rolling his eyes J turned and headed towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Jared asked, surprised that even though the alter always managed to make him feel desperately uncomfortable, he didn’t want him to leave.

“To find somebody that will fuck me.” That said, J didn’t even wait for a reply before he was out the door.

“I’m sure Jensen’s just gonna love that,” he called after the alter. Staring at the room around him, Jared was only shaken from his stupor when Sandy’s song began ringing on his cell again.

“Fuck.”

 

***

 

“So let me get this straight, you’re engaged to one of the hottest chicks I’ve ever met, you’ve been dating her for years now, and you pretty much have a picture perfect future planned out with her. But in the last couple months, the person you seem to talk about and spend time with the most is your schizophrenic roommate, and now your telling me you ‘accidentally’ made out with him?”

“He has DID, he’s not schizophrenic, but basically, yes.”

Chad stared at him. “I don’t get it.”

Jared sighed. So much for help from that front.

 

***

 

May 2009

 

Jensen didn’t expect Chris to respect his need for privacy. Chris hadn’t stopped sticking his nose in his business since the day they met. Despite this fact, he still found himself surprised every time Chris managed to be somewhere he had no right to be.

“So either you’ve discovered an urgent need to pow wow about some child hood trauma, or you’ve been going behind my back and harassing my therapist about our sessions.”

Normally he’d be able to appreciate the look of shock that crossed Chris’s face. Normally he would have stood back and had a good laugh at how he dropped his drink down his front when Jensen snuck up on him from behind.

Normally, Jensen wouldn’t have just found out that his best friend had been harassing his therapist for two weeks in order to find out what he’d been talking about during his sessions.

“Fuck!” Running over to the sink Chris dropped his half empty cup inside and grabbed a couple of towels to mop up the coke he’d spilled all over the floor.

Jensen looked down at his friend. “No? No funny story as to why Dr. Orson told me to try and remind you that all session between a doctor and his patients are confidential, so you should just try and talk to me instead of harassing him at work every day?”

Chris looked up with a frustrated sigh before climbing back onto his feet and looking Jensen in the eye. “Ok, yes. I’ve maybe been bothering your therapist a little bit lately trying to find out what’s been going on with you.”

“What the fuck man!” No matter how many years he’d been friend with the guy, Chris was never going to make sense to him. “Why don’t you just ask me whatever the fuck you want to know so bad instead of hounding the one person that I can guarantee you won’t tell you shit.”

 

Chris let out an ugly laugh. “Oh that’s rich. You think I haven’t ask you what the hell’s been the matter with you? Lately it feels like all I do is try and find out what’s going on with you, and all I get are a series of ‘everything’s great’ and ‘fine’ when the truth of the matter is that anybody can see you are fucked up.”

Jensen knew he should be feeling guilty about giving his friend a hard time, because Chris had been trying to find out what he’d been up to. Jensen couldn’t remember the last time a day had gone by without Chris trying to set up some awkward conversation about dealing with personal issues successfully or trying to bring up his progress with therapy.

But the real truth was none of it was any of Chris’s fucking business.

“Maybe you should let it go then.”

“Let it go? Let it go? Are you fucking serious?” It Chris had been a cartoon character he would have had little clouds of smoke billowing out of his ears. “I haven’t seen you do more than paint and go to class in the last two months. You’re antisocial as hell, you don’t talk to anybody in the house anymore, including me, and your more closed off than I’ve ever seen you. Which let me tell you,” he said, pointing a finger at Jensen. “I thought was impossible to do.”

“So I’ve been busy finishing up my paintings. My show is coming up pretty soon.”

Chris let out a tired sigh. “I wish you would stop trying to bullshit me man. Something is going on with you, something’s besides the nightmares that Jared cornered me about last month to inform me were going on, on an almost nightly basis.”

Jared. Of course he would go and tell Chris about the one thing that he didn’t want to talk about.

“Listen, I understand that you care about me or whatever.”

He was gonna kill Jared. The stupid son of a bitch had been doing this to him for the last two months. If it wasn’t Chris coming to him with new ‘insight’ on his life, it was Misha coming to wake him up from a nightmare. He’d even recruited Danneel in trying to get Jensen to get more involved with house activities.

All of it of course through other people, because if there was one word that could define their relationship at the moment it was awkward.

It seemed like they hadn’t had a real conversation in months. Jared either spent all his time with Sandy, or made sure to be hanging out with Jensen in the presence of at least one other person. He never would have kissed the idiot if he knew this was how he was going to react. He’d just been so sick of edging around the obvious fact that they were both attracted to each other, and had hoped that maybe releasing a little of the tension between the two of them would help put that aspect of their relationship to rest.

Instead, it had only seemed to make things worse, because instead of having sex and getting rid of the tension, they had only managed to make out a little and drive Jensen crazy with the possibility of what else could have happened.

“But maybe you should stop listening to Jared when it comes to your information about my life ok? With the amount of time he’s been around the house lately he’d be lucky to know if I decided to give up painting and join a circus.”

Chris shot him a look of amusement. “Someone sounds a little bitter.” He cut off any protest Jensen could have made to that statement quickly. “You don’t have to tell me things for me to know something about you, you know. We’ve been best friends forever. When you’re stuck on someone, it’s kind of obvious.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jensen said stiffly.

“Uh huh, you keep telling yourself that. You should also try to remember that they guy is engaged, and that kind of commitment doesn’t come easy.” If he kept looking at Jensen with that overly concerned expression he wasn’t going to be responsible for what he did. “You should be careful Jensen, this is not a time in your life you want to torment yourself with heartache.”

“I don’t need your advice Chris, and I sure as hell don’t need your pity. I’ve been dealing with my shit alone for too years for that.”

Watching Jensen walk away Chris sighed. “That’s the problem.”

 

***

 

Jensen only heard the knock a spilt second before the door to his room opened up. Expecting Chris, since he was the only one that bothered him in his room this late at night nowadays, he was surprised that the door opened to reveal Jared.

Giving him a nervous smile he quickly stepped in and closed the door before Jensen could asked him what he wanted. Just standing there awkwardly, with a lost look on his face, he managed to look adorable. Much to Jensen’s annoyance, he found himself smiling at the sight of him. It was moments like this when Jensen didn’t know if he wanted to hug him, or fuck him.

Oh God, this has to stop.

“Hey,” scratching at the back of his neck he let out a nervous laugh. “I, uh, wanted to see if you wanted to get some dinner with me. I’ve been craving Mexican food pretty much all day so...”

Jensen cocked an eyebrow at him. “Just the two of us? Are you sure that would be safe? Who knows, twenty minutes in your presence might drive me so crazy with lust that I won’t be able to stop myself from jumping you.”

Jared glared. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jensen met his scowl unflinchingly. “Well, considering that this, right now, is the first time we’ve been alone together in two months, I thought you might be a little scared to be alone with me.”

“Look, this is stupid.” Jared walked over to where Jensen had been working on one of his paintings and took his brush from his hand and set it down, standing so close that Jensen had no choice but to look up at him.

Jared looked at him with steady eyes. “Does it look like I’m scared of you?” But his strong words were almost immediately contradicted when Jensen trailed a hand down his chest and squeezed his hip, causing his to yelp in shock and step back.

Jensen stifled a laugh. “Maybe just a little bit.”

“Dude!”

Jensen held up his hands in surrender. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just you looked so serious, and I couldn’t help screwing with you a little.”

As much as he wanted to give Jared a hard time for being distant the last little while, he had to admit to himself that he hadn’t been actively seeking out any alone time with the other man either. There was only so much awkward interaction he could handle before he wanted to kill himself.

It doesn’t help that he’s had that bitch glued to his side everywhere he goes lately, J whispered to him.

With that in mind Jensen gave one exaggerated look around the room before turning to Jared. “Where’s Sandy? I was starting to think that you couldn’t function without her hand up your ass telling you what to say.”

Jared shot him a pointed look. “J is that you? No? Oh, I’m sorry, it’s just the bitchy was so distracting that you didn’t seem like yourself.”

“Ok, point, but what else do you expect me to say. One little kiss and you start acting like I’m a leaper. It feels like the last time we had a proper conversation was right before you had your tongue down my throat.”

Jared’s face heated in embarrassment. “What did you expect me to do. That’s twice now that I’ve cheated on Sandy. I always promised myself that I wouldn’t be the kind of asshole that screws around on his girl, and then I turn around and do exactly that. I need to stick close to Sandy. She deserves better than me.” He hesitated and then gave Jensen a shy smile. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be your friend either. I—“ he sighed, giving an embarrassed shrug. “I missed you.”

“I’ve been right here.”

“I know.”

Jensen clenched his teeth in frustration, and then relaxed his body in one long sigh. “Man, if I had known it was going to cause this much trouble I would never have kissed you in the first place. It was supposed to make things easier, not worse.”

“One quick fuck huh?” Jared said softly.

And even though he knew it would only make things worse, he couldn’t help but lean in close and press his body up against Jared’s. “I just thought,” he whispered up against Jared’s ear, “If we got it out of our system, then maybe we could go back to being strictly friends.” He slid his hand around Jared’s waist until it was resting on the small of his back, and then pressed him in closer until they were pressed tightly together, groin to groin.

“What are you doing?” Jared’s voice was no louder than a whisper, but pressed so close together, he might as well have been yelling.

Jensen didn’t really know what the hell he was doing. He just knew that he was sick and tired of wanting someone who kept going out of his was to make sure nothing ever happened between them. It was obvious to him that Jared was trying very hard to be faithful to Sandy, unfortunately for the both of them, Jensen wasn’t that good of a person. He didn’t know what it said about him that he didn’t really care about Sandy, probably nothing good, but he just wanted to go after something for himself for once without worrying about anybody else.

“Jared, this isn’t going to go away. I think it’s pretty obvious by now that we both want to fuck each other,” he said, grinding them both together. Jared was hard, the thick outline of his cock pressing up against his belly, and he couldn’t help the shiver of excitement that went through him at the thought of Jared being just as turned on as he was.

“God damn it Jensen,” Jared’s voice was calm, but there was an edge of heat to it, an edge of anger. “Why the hell are you doing this to me?”

Instead of answering him, he slid his hands up to cup Jared’s face, and then pulled him in for a kiss. He’d meant to keep it gentle, in hopes of not to scaring him off, but as soon as their lips touched the last two months came back to him, with all the longing and frustration that came along with it, and he couldn’t help but deepen it, coaxing Jared’s nonresponsive lips to open up for him.

The feeling of kissing somebody who was no responding to his ministrations went on for a couple of seconds to long. Feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed, he pulled back, ready to apologize, but Jared caught him by surprise and pulled him back for another bruising kiss. Biting lightly on his lips, Jared trailed sucks and kisses from his mouth down his neck.

It had been too long since Jensen had had him in his arms, and he wanted to feel everything. Running his hands up and down Jared’s back he shivered at the feel of all the rock-hard muscles under the thin t-shirt. Pulled tight against Jared’s body, he couldn’t help but feel that it wasn’t enough, even though this was what he’d been wanting for months now.

Pulling back for a second, he kicked his legs free of the ratty sweats he wore for painting and yanked off his t-shirt. Falling back onto the bed behind him, he leaned back to give Jared an undisturbed view of his body.

Jared groaned, covering his face with one hand. “Oh, Jesus Christ, you’re naked.”

Jensen felt a deep throaty laugh rip through his body. “I hope that’s not a problem?” Sitting up, he reached forward to rub at the impressive bulge straining the front of Jared’s jeans. “It sure doesn’t feel like a problem to me.”

Jared grabbed his hand before he could go any further and undo his zipper. “I don’t –I can’t think when I’m around you goddamnit. All I can see about is Sandy, and how hurt she’d be if she ever found out what an asshole I’m being, and I can’t even care enough to stop you from—“

Jared choked on his last couple of words as Jensen leaned back and spread his legs apart. He swallowed so hard Jensen could see his Adam’s apple bobbing, and his eyes couldn’t seem to resist lowering to stare at what Jensen had displayed.

Jensen’s frustration mounted as still, Jared didn’t move to touch him. He only stood there, practically shaking, until Jensen once again leaned forward, but this time to grab his hand and pull him towards the bed.

“Please,” he whispered, tugging on the other man’s hand until Jared was kneeling over him on the bed. “This is important, can’t you feel it?”

Knowing that he couldn’t lie to him, Jensen looked his friend in the eye and told him the truth.

“I have no idea what the hell I’m doing,” he admitted. “All I know right now is that I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anybody before.”

Lifting himself up, he maneuvered into a kneeling position right in front of Jared so that they could be eye to eye.

“I can’t do this,” Jared breathed out, but his words contradicted his actions as he slid his hands onto Jensen’s ass to feel and kneed the naked skin beneath his palms.

And this time, when Jensen went to pull him down onto the bed, he didn’t protest at all.

 

***

 

Jared laid still on the bed beneath him. Watching the shadows shift on the ceiling above him, he contemplated his absolute proficiency at fucking up his life.

He turned his head to look at the other man sleeping soundly next to him. He didn’t know what it was about Jensen that made him loose all reason, that made him not care about important things like the fact that he was engaged, that he had made promises, that he wasn’t available, but whatever it was, he didn’t see it disappearing anytime soon.

Just looking at Jensen lying naked next to him was enough to make his body tighten with desire. The body next to him was still and silent, all the signs of a deep, peaceful sleep, but all Jared could think about was waking him up and repeating everything they’d only done a couple hours ago.

He kissed Jensen, kissed him deep and dirty, licking his way into his mouth, and then pushed him down onto the bed, his weight heavy between the shorter man’s legs. He kissed his way down his throat, nipping at rosy pink nipples, he sucked them into his mouth until they were tight and hard under his tongue.

“Jesus Christ!” Jensen arched against him, rubbing their groins together, sliding his hands under Jared’s t-shirt to feel the skin splayed over him. “Get it off, get it off. Take off your fucking clothes,” Jensen gasped, laughing as he helped tear Jared’s shirt over his head.

“I need you,” Jared panted, kissing his way down Jensen’s body, stopping to lick and such on the hip bones of the man underneath him. “God, you’re so fucking—I need you so bad.”

Jared couldn’t even believe half of the things that came out of his mouth last night. He’d felt like something had possessed him, making him do and say thing he otherwise would have been way to embarrassed to ever say to his friend.

And nothing compared to the feeling of being inside him, of sliding into Jensen’s slick, tight heat. He’s always been proud of his sexual powers when in bed with any of his past lovers, but Jensen had been the only who had actually had him worried about being able to hold off until he’d brought the other man to completion before he finished.

It was the first couple second after he’d slid into Jensen, feeling the other man tighten around him, that had almost done it.

“Oh, oh God,” Jared panted. “Are you ok? Can I move?” Holding himself very still he tried to let Jensen get used to the feeling of his cock inside of him. The muscled surrounding him were so tight it was bordering on painful, and Jared couldn’t see himself lasting very long if the vice like grip on his dick didn’t lessen any.

“If I wanted to go slow I would have told you already,” Jensen gritted out between clenched teeth, laughing softy at the gasp Jared made when he tightened his muscles around the cock inside of him. “Fuck me.”

Pulling out a little bit Jared pushed himself between the legs on either side of him and used his hips and legs to drive himself back into the man below him. Gripping the hips under him, he used his strength to haul Jensen higher into his thrusts, pulling up to kneel on the bed, and making the other man wrap his legs around his waist while his shoulders were left as the only source of leverage on the bed.

Moaning, Jensen moved to meet the trusts pushing into his body. “Ya, oh God.”

“You like that?” Jared gasped, slowing down to pull out of Jensen, leaving only the tip of him inside. “Tell me what you want.”

“God damn you, you son of a bitch, you know what I want.” Jensen was practically crying under him, something that Jared would never have thought to be a turn on before this moment, but right now was getting him hotter than he’d ever been.

“Tell me.”

“Oh God, just fuck me—Jared, please, I need you, Jared—“

It was the begging that he hadn’t been able to handle. He still remember the way it felt to pound into Jensen after that, going harder and rougher ever time the other man begged him to.

Sometime it felt like he couldn’t deny Jensen anything.

He’d been so involved in his thoughts that he’d failed to feel the bed moving under him. But now, awaken from his musings he turned to look at Jensen, who had moved from peaceful slumber to restless nightmare when Jared hadn’t been paying attention. Tossing his head back and forth, Jensen was breathing heavily, as if he was short of breath, and letting small whimpers escape his parted mouth.

Frowning at the distressed noises Jensen was making he leaned over to shake the smaller man awake.

“Jensen?” Gripping his shoulder Jared tried to rouse his friend from his dream. “Jensen, are you ok?”

The only indication Jared got that Jensen had woken up was the fact that he went from twitchy to unnaturally still in under a second.

“Jensen?”

Letting out a deep sigh Jensen’s eyelashes fluttered open, letting Jared see his eyes, which, for awakening from a dream so calmly, betrayed his terrified expression for a few seconds before his face fell into a smooth mask.

“I’m awake.” Jensen’s voice was so calm it bordered on dull, but Jared had seen what he’d been feeling right before he’d tried to cover it up and he wasn’t fooled.

“What were you dreaming about?” He tried to keep his voice casual but was pretty sure he’d failed.

“What? You’ve spent two months sending Misha to wake me up at night but now you’re concerned?”

“Don’t give me that. You know I’m always thinking about you. Why else would I have sent Misha to check on you?”

“Whatever, it’s not important anyways.” But the small shivers that ran through his body betrayed his true feelings.

“Were you dreaming about the bad man again?”

“God.” Jensen’s voice sounded wrecked. “You’ve been talking to Chris haven’t you? Please tell me you don’t need some stupid verbal confirmation for this shit.”

Jared ignored him. “Were you dreaming about your uncle?”

“You never know when to leave it alone do you?” Jensen sat up and pulled his arms around his knees into a tight hug. “Would it make you happy if I said that I was dreaming about my uncle.” Shooting him a sour look, Jensen let an ugly smile cross his face. “Do you want to hear about how I’ve been remembering how my uncle used to fuck me every day after school? Or how about when he took a gun to my last remaining family and shot them both in the head right in front of me because I wouldn’t be his butt boy anymore? Does that satisfy your goddamn curiosity?”

Jared stared at him. He’d understood from his conversation with Chris alone that Jensen’s history was made up of ugly incidents. Why else would Jensen resort to disassociating to deal with the things in his past? But to hear it put so plainly in front of him, to hear it spoken so bluntly...

He’d never hated somebody he’d never met so much in his life.

Ignoring his silence, Jensen was still talking, blabbering, as if he couldn’t stop the words from coming now that he’d let them out.

“Or how about when Chris found me at his front door two weeks later, covered in blood, with no memory of where I’d been. Do you wonder what can happen to a person in two weeks? I know I have, every day since I woke up in his god damn living room with no memory and to the news that somebody had stabbed my uncle to death in his basement. Considering he was naked when he died, I know the motherfucker had some fun with me before I got away from his at least.”

“Jensen...” Jared had no idea what to say. What could he even say to make something like that better? Whatever he had prepared himself to hear when he confronted Jensen, this was so much worse.

He tired to slide closer to his friend, who had his head buried into his knees and was shaking harder than he’d ever seen. He’d never been good at comforting his friends. He always found it easier to leave people alone to deal with their grief. There had been one to many times when Sandy, depressed on the anniversary of her families death, had sought comfort from him, only to be shut down and redirected towards her aunt for comfort. He wasn’t good at dealing with his own pain, let alone other people’s.

Looking at Jensen, who’d just laid himself bare in front of him, he knew he’s never be able to turn away from him.

Uncertain, he slid a hand onto the top of Jensen’s head, intending to run a comforting hand through his hair, only to freeze when Jensen went deathly still under his touch.

“Jensen?”

“Oh baby, I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist us for long.” Lifting his head, J had a wide smile across his face that contrasted deeply with the tear stained, red eyed remains of Jensen’s breakdown.

Jared almost groan aloud in frustration, now he was never going to find out if Jensen was alright. He was a master at avoiding conversations about anything that had set off his dissociation.

He had a lap full of naked J before he even had time to process the alters appearance. “Baby, baby, tell me it was good.” Looking down at the naked body he was currently sprawled across, J smirked. “Mmm, considering what I’m sitting, I know it had to have been good.” Wiggling happily in Jared’s lap he leaned down to nibble on his ear. “How about you show me a replay?”

Amazingly, even with the news that he’d just learned about Jensen, he found himself hardening quickly under J’s ministrations.

“I can’t,” he protested. “Jensen was so fucked up. I can’t just fuck you after I’ve just seen him crying in front of me!”

J frowned, pulling away to look Jared in the face. “God! That cry baby is always ruining things for me.” Sliding his hand behind Jared’s head, he pulled them close together so that they were looking at each other in the eyes, centimetres apart. “I’m out right now, and I want to have fun. Don’t let Jensen’s drama get you down baby.”

Jared looked at him curiously, taking in the words he’d just heard. “Do you remember anything about Jensen’s past J?”

“God! This is getting boring.” Rolling off of Jared he flopped down onto the bed next to him. “Can’t we just fuck or something? I’m even up for hanging out,” he said, looking hopefully at Jared. “I know there’s an awesome sale over at the mall today.”

“J...” he let a warning tone enter his voice as he examined the alter. Already J looked completely different from Jensen. The last evidence of the tears Jensen had shed was disappearing, and J’s unconcerned look changed Jensen’s face completely, making him look light a more light-hearted, carefree person.

Jared just wished he could see that kind of expression on Jensen’s face.

“Fineeee.” J got up in a huff and walked to the far closet where he starting pulling on his clothes.

“What are you doing?”

“Ya I remember what happened to Jensen.” At Jared’s surprised look he let out a laugh. “Why should I care anyways? It didn’t happen to me.” Pulling on a t-shirt over his head he turned to look at himself in the mirror, taking in the bright pink shirt and light jeans combination he’d put together. He sighed in satisfaction, “God damn I’m hot.”

“Why haven’t you ever told anybody what had happened to Jensen?”

“Why the hell should I, it’s not any of their fucking business.” J let out snort of distain. “Nobody would be able to help him anyways, that’s what we’re here for. Jenny boy’s better off in the dark. I’m not really too bothered by it all,” he said with a shrug. “All that stuffs like remembering an old movie I saw a long time ago. But Jensen, well, he wouldn’t be able to deal with it very well. That’s why we all hate that goddamn quack, he’s gonna ruin everything.”

Jared was astounded. He’d never heard J speak seriously for more than a couple of seconds. Was it possible he was maturing?

“Well then!” J turned around a struck a pose. “Am I hot or what? I’d fuck me. Would you fuck me?” J let out a laugh. “What am I talking about, you already did baby.”

Or maybe not.

“No answer? I struck you speechless huh?” Rolling his eyes when Jared failed to answer him yet again, he headed out towards the door. “Call me when you want to do something interesting k? Otherwise, I’m outie.”

Of course it was just Jared’s luck that as soon as the alter left the room Jared’s pants began ringing Sandy’s ring tone.

Staring at the disarrayed room around him, with the obvious remains of hours of hard sex, he quickly grabbed his cell from his pants off the floor and flopped back down on the bed to answer his phone.

“Hey babe.”

“Jared what have you been up to? I haven’t been able to get a hold of you forever!” Sandy’s voice sounded tiny and distant of the phone, she must have been somewhere with really bad reception.

I have no damn idea.

“Sorry, I slept in I guess.”

“Well hurry up, you promised to have lunch with me and my aunt remember? We’re already running late, and you know my aunt hates tardiness. If you’re late, you’re screwed.”

It took at of Jared’s willpower not to laugh at that and tell her, oh sweetheart, I’m already screwed.

 

***

 

“Was that Sandy I just saw heading out the door?”

Jared eyes widened when he turned to see Jensen leaning against his bedroom door. “Jensen, you’re back.”

“Back, and in possession of a whole new wardrobe, fifty percent off,” he snorted. “I swear J’s taste in clothes gets uglier and uglier every time he’s out.”

“Jensen, about before—“

It was bad enough that Jared had had to listen to his bullshit earlier, there was no way they were gonna rehash it. Just think about the fact that Jared knew anything about how pathetic he used to be was enough to make him sick.“Don’t,” he held up a hand to stop Jared from going any further. “What was said, was said, but we’re not gonna talk about it anymore. Got it?”

Jensen could see that he didn’t want to agree, the struggle was plain as day on his face, but Jensen wasn’t going to budge on this one.

There were some things he was willing to discuss, and then there was everything else.

Jared relented. “Ok, so maybe we should talk about...the other thing.”

He raised an eyebrow in amusement. “The other thing?”

“We had sex!”

“I am aware of that. The state of my ass is a constant reminder.”

Jared switched from panicked to concerned in less than a second. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine dude. It’s not an...unpleasant reminder.”

Jensen almost laughed at the blush that spread across Jared’s face, but he had a feeling following through with it might lessen the chances of him getting laid again.

“I just had lunch with Sandy and her aunt,” Jared said suddenly.

“Oh? How are things?”

Jared scowled. “How do you think? All I could think about when I was sitting next to her was the fact that I’d had my dick up your ass only hours earlier.”

“So awkward then?”

“I’m gonna tell her.”

“Tell her what?”

“About you and me, don’t pretend to now know what I’m talking about. I felt sick just looking at her all through lunch, and that was just a couple of hours. I can’t go on lying to her forever, she deserves better than that.”

Jensen sighed. “Listen, there is no you and me, ok? It wasn’t serious. There was some great sex. Great sex I wouldn’t mind having again in fact. But this thing between us? It’s not gonna last. Guys like you, don’t leave girls like Sandy, for guys like me. It just doesn’t happen. And if it did, you’d probably end up resenting me for ruining you perfect future and sticking you with my messed up bullshit.”

If the face Jared had on when he found out about Jensen’s fucked up past wasn’t enough to make him want to commit homicide, the expression he was wearing now did.

“Don’t you fucking pity me. I know how the world works Jared. There is no happily ever after for guys like me.”

“I don’t pity you Jensen. I know you’re pretty amazing, I just wish you knew it too.”

God, he’d had enough of this bullshit. Stalking over to Jared he closed the distance between the two of them and kissed him slowly, thoroughly.

“Stay with Sandy. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her, and I’d just end up messing you up in the long run.” But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to get as much of Jared for as long as he could. Turning away he pulled his t-shirt off and headed over to the bed on the far side of the room. “You coming?”

He didn’t have to turn around to know Jared was right there behind him.

 

***

 

The Roxy, Vancouver

July 2009

 

Jensen didn’t know why he continuously let Chris and Steve drag him out to bars. He hated going out. The crowds, the heat, the stink, nothing was pleasant about being trapped in a tight space with one hundred other sweaty people, and yet, he always went when Chris and Steve asked him to go out with them.

At least the venue for tonight wasn’t that bad. Out of all the clubs Chris and Steve loved to frequent, Jensen liked The Roxy the best. The music wasn’t bad, the crowd was usually a little less sweaty than other places, and they served ice cold beer. Drinking helped. Jensen always found everything a little more pleasant when he was drunk.

Of course by now it looked like he was going to need at least seven shots of hard liquor just to tolerate this night.

It seemed like Jared had taken his advice all too seriously.

Lately it seemed like anytime he turned around, there was Jared and Sandy. The happy couple. The perfect example of pre marital bliss.

It was enough to make him sick.

The only consolation he had at having to see Jared and Sandy constantly sucking face was the knowledge that he was going to be fucking her fiancé through the mattress just as soon as she left for the night.

Some might call him pretty, but he took his personal enjoyment where he could get it.

He’d almost think Jared was doing it for the sole purpose of aggravating him if he didn’t think Jared was above that kind of thing. The little bastard had yet to let up on the idea of their being more to the new development in their relationship than just sex.

Of course for somebody who spent an awful lot of time pursuing a relationship with a man, he sure spent an obscene amount of time attached to his fiancés side.

As if that was supposed to convince Jensen to give them a shot.

Knocking back his fifth shot of tequila he nearly gagged at the taste. God, he’d never get used to the flavour, it made his want to puke every time.

“Maybe you should stop man,” Misha eyed him with concern. “I don’t know how many of those you’ve had, but you’re looking pretty hammered.”

Jensen glanced across the bar at the dance floor where Jared and Sandy were grinding close together.

Turning to the bartender he slammed his shot glass down onto the counter. “I’m gonna need another.”

 

***

 

If there was one activity Jared hated more than slow dancing to rock music, he didn’t know what it was.

You jumped and flailed around to rock music. You slammed into sweaty guys and bashed the shit out of each other to rock music. You did not slow dance to rock music. But Sandy wanted to do it, and what Sandy wanted, Sandy got.

It was the least he could do considering what was shitass fiancé he really was.

It was the least he could do considering he spent most of the time he was with her thinking about the jackass over at the bar getting totalled.

“You worried about Jensen?”

Sometimes Jared thought Sandy noticed a little too much for her own good. Or was it his own good?

“What makes you think that?”

“Maybe because you’ve been staring at him all night,” Sandy said dryly. “Plus he’s been acting really weird lately, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”

“He is a man on a mission my friends. I haven’t seen him this determined to get hammered since Professor Kemp gave him a C on his art finale.” Misha popped up next to them holding a pink drink in a tall glass.

Jared eyed his friend, grateful for an excuse to stop dancing. “What is that?”

“Jesus Juice.” Taking a small sip of his drink Misha headed over to one of the free tables close to the dance floor.

Jared stifled a laugh. He sparing a nod at Sandy when she told him she was going to quickly go to the bathroom, and followed him off to the side. “Are you serious?”

“It’s delicious,” Misha said seriously. “Plus it’s fun to order,” he grinned.

“Hmm, I’ll take you word on it. I’m gonna stick with my beer.”

Misha shrugged. Letting his eyes wander the he let out a pained sound at something he saw over Jared’s shoulder. “That can’t lead to good things.”

“What?”

“You know how Chris has been complaining about how Brock hasn’t stopped pestering him to get Jensen to come out so that he can hook up with him again?”

Jared’s face darkened. “Yes.”

“And you know how Jensen found it so annoying and kept telling Chris that Brock didn’t stand a chance in hell.”

“Yes.”

Misha shrugged, pointing to the dance floor.. “I don’t think he’s very opposed to the idea anymore.”

A sinking feeling in his stomach, he turned to look at what Misha was pointing at. Leaning against the far wall, next to the bathroom entrance, was Jensen and Brock, so wrapped up in each other that they didn’t even notice the crowd around them kept shooting them uncomfortable looks.

It took all of Jared’s self control not to stand up in that moment and beat the hell out of Brock. What the hell was he doing anyways? The last time Jared had seen Jensen he’s been so drunk he’d practically needed to hold onto his bar stool just to stay upright.

“Not the smartest tool in the box is he?”

Startled, Jared turned around to see Danneel giving her ex boyfriend and his current fling a disgusted look.

It was nice to see he wasn’t alone in his disgust. Jared knew they weren’t exclusive, Jensen had stressed that enough times it was almost burned into his mind, but did he really have to make such a spectacle of himself in front of him and Danneel?

“I’d expect someone like J to make out with a guy in a straight club and not care who sees,” Danneel continued, shaking her head. “But Jensen? What an idiot. They’re gonna get their asses kicked.”

Jared narrowed his eyes and examined the spectacle in front of him once again. “That’s because it’s not Jensen.”

“You guys just noticed that?” Misha snorted. “I thought it was kind of obvious myself the minute J let Brock anywhere near him.”

Well, it was one thing for Jensen to do whatever he wanted, that man was one stubborn son of a bitch. But J? No way was he going to let Brock get his hands all over him, the guy had no self control.

“I’ll be right back,” standing up, he headed over towards the couple.

“Don’t do it Jared,” Danneel called after him. “J can be a huge bitch when you don’t let him have what he wants!”

Jared ignored her and stalked towards the couple. Making sure he stopped so close to them that he was impossible to ignore, he cleared his throat. “ J, I need to speak to you.”

When they continued to ignore him, he grabbed J’s arm and pulled him away from Brock. If he had to watch Brock put his hands all over J for one second longer he was going to freak out.

Brock looked up at him in a daze, as if just noticing he was there, and then scowled in annoyance. “What the hell man? Can’t whatever you want wait?”

“No,” Jared said tightly. Keeping a firm grasp on J’s arm he dragged the other man towards the back exit that lead into a back alley.

After giving a quick look around to make sure they were alone, he turned to look at his companion, noticing for the first time how weird it was that he hadn’t made a sound of protest the whole time.

“Hey big boy, what’s the matter?” J asked, crowding Jared against the wall. “Didn’t like something you saw? Maybe you were feeling a bit jealous?”

Sometimes J was so painfully obvious he made Jared embarrassed for him. “Is that what you were trying to do in there? Make me jealous?”

J leaned back to give him a smirk and looked at him with hooded eyes. “Baby, I don’t care what you think. I do what I want.”

“Fine.” Sliding away from him, Jared motioned towards the door. “If you’d rather be with him, then go for it then.”

J gave him a startled glance, as if that was the last thing he had expected Jared to say, and then settled into a shrug, heading back inside. “Whatever.”

Goddamnit. “Fucking wait why don’t you.” Dragging J back towards him, he looked down at him. “You damn well know what you do to me. I don’t want anybody else touching you.”

J looked annoyed. “It’s not like you’ve ever touched me in the first place. You leave that for your precious Jensen.”

Jared didn’t actually know what to say to that. It was true he hadn’t slept with Jensen when any of his alters were out. Since they’d started fooling around, both Bo and Jack had been out multiple times, but both alters couldn’t care less about what Jared and Jensen did in their spare time. Bo acted like Jensen didn’t even have a sex life, while Jack didn’t let himself get close enough to anybody to even touch them most of the time, let alone have sex with them.

Jared hadn’t seen J since the first morning after Jared and Jensen had been together.

“Well I haven’t even talked to Jensen about—“ he began awkwardly.

“Whatever, I’ll just go find Brock again.” J tried to push away again, but this time Jared wasn’t going to let him go.

“No.” He pushed J up against the wall, and lifted the alter up so he could wrap his legs around his waist.

J laughed. “I guess you’ve given up on that whole personal space thing?” But he didn’t seem to mind too much as he used his weight to grind down onto Jared’s dick.

He kissed the alter roughly but soon moved from his lips and trailed down to his neck, making sure to settle onto the pulse point he could feel beating heavily and bit down just the tinniest bit too hard.

Ignoring J’s gasp he reached down, letting J’s hands settle onto his hips for balance, and went to work on the other mans zipper.

“Are you sure you wanna do that Jare-bear? Your little girlfriend’s probably looking for you as we speak.” J made it sound like an insult, but despite his angry tone he quickly helped Jared pull him out of his pants.

Batting J’s hand away he took the other man’s hard cock on his hand, smearing a little bit of the pre cum on the head with his thumb, before jacking him roughly with short hard strokes.

“I don’t care.” And he really didn’t. Sandy could have walked in on them right in that instant and Jared didn’t think he would have had the strength to stop.

J looked at little too pleased with himself with that statement. Letting him go with one hand he quickly went to work on his own buttons and pulled himself out. He lined up their dicks together, pausing for just one moment to admire the sight, he grasped them both with his hand and began to jerk them off together.

“Tell me you’re mine,” Jared pleaded. “Tell me I’m the only one that gets to touch you this way.”

“I dunno about that baby, I’m not really a one man kinda guy.” J’s laugh was choked off as Jared stilled his movements. “What are you—“

“Tell me you’re mine,” he said more forcefully.

“I don’t think you could handle it.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure I can.” Jared felt out of control, possessive. “You’re mine to take care of. You’re mine to touch. Do you understand?”

“Fine, whatever,” J said huffily.

“Do. You. Understand?”

J looked up at him with hurt eyes, and it was the first time that Jared could ever remember the alter looking vulnerable. “This goes both ways, doesn’t it? I won’t be owned by anybody.”

“Of course. It’s you and me together.” Jared paused. “And Jensen...and Jack...and Bo.”

J laughed, light and happy, and the sound warmed Jared’s heart. “Fine then, you jackass, we’re all yours. Get back to it then,” he said, jerking his hips up into Jared’s hand.

Nipping gently at J’s lips, he stroked them together, fast and tight. Just the sight of them there, pressed together, was enough to make him want to come.

J let out one long moan, and then was all the warning Jared got before he started shooting off, splashing Jared’s hand and stomach. “Ya,” he breathed. “Go for it, come on.” Quickening his strokes he quickly followed right behind J, gasping as he let out his own release.

They stood there, leaning against one another for a few seconds, calming down, and then Jared let J settle back down into his feet, giving the alter time to tidy himself up.

“God,” Jared chuckled. “I don’t know about you but I could go for a drink.”

J shot him a sly look. “I’d prefer—“

The sound of the back door cut him off as it opened to reveal Sandy poking her head out.

Jared straightened up. “Sandy! What are you doing out here?”

“Looking for you obviously.” She looked between the two men curiously. “Is everything OK out here?”

Jared looked over at J, who face was beginning to cloud over in anger. “It’s fine, we were just getting some air. Why don’t you head back in babe, I’ll be with you in a second.”

“OK.” Giving them one last curious look Sandy headed back inside.

Jared couldn’t believe that had just happened. Ten second earlier and that would have been a completely different scene. He needed to fix this before it got out of control.

“What the hell was that?”

Jared turned back to look at J. “What?”

“Are you serious? You tell me all that shit and then your all I’ll be right there in a second babe,” J mimicked in a high and nasal voice.

“What did you want me to say? I couldn’t just break up with her right there!”

“Why not?”

“Because she deserves better than that! God J, grow up, sometimes you’re worse than my teenage sister.”

“Well I am 16, I can get away with it. You on the other hand, have no reason for being such a jackass.”

Jared stilled. “What?”

“Break. Up. With. Her.”

“Not that!. You’re 16?”

“Oh, that. Didn’t you know?” Jared could see that J was rapidly becoming more and more amused with the conversation.

“No!” Jared didn’t know if this revelation made him feel better about J, or worse about himself. Probably both.

“Well, you know what this means right?” J asked with a whisper. “Better stamina!”

Jared didn’t think that actually applied, because not matter how old J was, Jensen, and his body, were both defiantly not 16, but he didn’t bother to say anything, not wanting to burst his bubble.”

“Listen, I’ll do it soon ok? I just don’t want to hurt her.”

“You’d better, or I might just do it for you.”

“Leave it alone J,” he said sharply.

“Whatever.” Rolling his eyes J headed back inside. “Call me when you’ve grown a pair.”

 

***

 

“And you just decided this together, you and J?” His voice was calm, but Jared could see the anger rolling behind his eyes.

“Don’t be that way. I’m sick of trying to convince you how awesome we could be together. J gets it. Bo ignores anything that goes on between the two of us, be he loves hanging out with me. Even Jack’s beginning to come around,” Jared reasoned.

“Well that’s just fucking great for you Jared. Maybe I should just disappear altogether and you and my alters can have all the fun you want.”

“Don’t talk like that.” He pulled a stiff Jensen into his arms. “I think all your alters are pretty awesome,” he paused. “In their own ways. But you’re the one I want to be with.”

They sat like that in silence, with Jared wrapped around an unresponsive Jensen for a couple minutes, before Jared couldn’t take it any longer.

“I’m gonna tell Sandy,” he whispered. “Not about us,” he clarified. “Just that I want to break up.” He grimaced. “I don’t think she really deserves to be told her fiancé is leaving her for somebody else. It would crush her.”

“This isn’t going to work Jared.”

“Trust me. I’ll do it right now. I’ll go over to her house right now if you don’t believe me.”

“God, Jared,” Jensen moaned. “It’s not even that. I can’t deal with this right now ok? My art show is premiering in two days. I don’t wanna have to be dealing with this right now.”

“Fine,” Jared said. Even he could hear the hurt lacing through his words. “I won’t do anything yet.”

Jensen looked at him, his expression significantly softer than before. “Jared, you think you want this, but you’re gonna find out just like everybody else in my fucked up life that my shit, is not something you want to deal with on a daily basis.”

“Jensen, I live with you. I already deal with your shit on a daily basis.”

Jensen looked at him, a dry expression on his face. “That’s what you think.”

“Then let me,” Jared pleaded, dawning him closer so that their foreheads touched. Jensen was uncomfortably still underneath him, but he didn’t want to rush the other man. He was so caught up in the feel of Jensen in his arms that he was totally caught unprepared when he was pushed roughly away.

He held on, trying to calm the other man down. “Jensen! What’s wrong?” When the other man would stop struggling with him, Jared let him go and watched as he bolted to the far side of the couch.

“Wha—what do you want?” Staring at him with wide eyes, Jack huddled back into the couch. 

“Jack,” Jared sighed. “I’m sorry dude, I didn’t mean to freak you out.” Backing up so the alter could see that he wasn’t going to touch him again, he held out his hands in a show s peace.

Jack relaxed as soon as he realized Jared wasn’t going to try to grab him again. “Were you mad at me?”

“No way! Why would you think something like that?”

“You didn’t look very happy just now.”

“Never mind that. You ok? Is there anything you want to do?”

“Ya,” Jack perked up. “Ice cream?”

Jared laugh. “You know what, I knew there was a reason I like you. Let’s go get ice cream.”

As they headed out the door Jack turned to look at Jared with such a serious expression across his face Jared almost thought something was wrong.

“Do you think Misha would like it if we brought him back some too?”

Startled, Jared let out a quite chuckle. “I think we can do that dude.”

 

***

 

“You still haven’t told her!”

If there was one thing that had him cursing the fact that Jensen kept putting off talking about their relationship, it was J. He was a stubborn little bitch when he set his mind to it.

“I told you man, Jensen doesn’t want me making any moves until after his art show. Me and Jensen have plans to meet up and work things out in his room after the show ok?”

“Work things out?” J wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Jared ignored him. “So can you wait that long?”

“That is so goddamn bogus.” Crossing his arms in front of his chest J let out a grumpy huff. “Maybe we should just forget this whole thing.”

Jared growled playfully and pulled the other man on top of him . “Or maybe I can find something to take your mind off of it until me and Jensen talk.”

“I’m—ah—I’m not that easy!”

Without warning, Jared flipped them so that J was flat on his back with Jared on top of him. He flashed a playful grin at the man underneath him. “Oh, I think you are.”

 

***

 

Equinox Art Gallery, Vancouver

Jensen still couldn’t believe that the day had finally come, After months of stressing himself out over it happening, his show had finally opened. And so far, it seemed like everything was going pretty good.

He turned to look at Jared, who’d been huddled along the far left wall. After the first hour, when he’d wandered from painting to painting, examining everything on display, he’d headed over to his corner and hadn’t really moved since.

He looked adorably awkward.

“Why don’t you just head out?” He asked him. “All the others have already come and gone. It’s late. I’m only going to be here for another hour or so and then I’m gonna head out myself.”

“I don’t want to leave you here on your big night!” Looking very insulted, Jared straightened and wiped the bored look from his face. “I don’t want to leave.”

Jensen stifled a laugh. “Dude, you’ve been here for hours, I’m not gonna get mad if you want to head home now.”

“Jensen.”

Turning to the sound of a familiar voice calling his name, he laughed when he saw Jeffery behind him. “I thought you weren’t able to make it?”

Jeffery shrugged. “Did you really think I was going to miss this? After everything?” Quirking an eyebrow at him he held out his arms. “So do I get a hug or what kid? I haven’t seen you in months.”

Jensen laughed and quickly reached out to pull Jeffery into a tight hug. “This is all because of you, you know,” he whispered.

“No way,” pulling back, he took a long look around the gallery. “This is defiantly because of you.”

“Jensen?”

Startled, he turned to look back at where he’d left Jared. At this point he’d wandered much closer to the other two, an apprehensive look on his face.

Giving himself a shake for forget his manners, he turned to pull Jared forward. “Jared, do you remember me talking about the friend of one of my professors? The one who got me the job at the airport?”

“Ya.”

Smiling, he indicated to Jeffery. “This is the man I have everything to thank for. Jeffery Dean Morgan, meet my friend Jared Padalecki.”

“I told you before kid, the only reason I ever noticed you in the first place was because of your talent. Without that, nothing would ever have happened.”

Jared shot Jeffery a small smile. “I gotta agree man, your stuff is awesome. The only reason this show happened was because you deserve it.”

“Speaking of looking awesome,” Jeffery said, looking Jensen up and down. “What have you been doing to yourself, you are looking a thousand times better than the last time I saw you.” He shot Jensen a wink. “Which at the time I thought was pretty hard to top.”

Jensen rolled his eyes as Jared grew closer to him at that. He didn’t have anything to worry about, Jeffery was just a big flirt. “Good friends,” he said, shooting a smile a Jared. “They won’t stop taking care of me.”

Noticing the gallery curator trying to get his attention, he turned to Jared and softy pushed his towards the doors. “Go man, I’m gonna be busy here for another little while. I’ll meet you back at the house after.”

Jared bit his lip. “Promise we’ll finally talk.”

Jensen rolled his eyes. “I promise.”

 

***

 

“This isn’t really talking,” Jared protested as he pulled back from a deep kiss.

Jensen panted, staring at the man underneath him. Stretched out, shirtless, with miles of tanned skin, he looked better than any of the models his art classes had commissioned to pose for them. There was no he was going to stop now.

“I just finished the most stressful event of my adult life, and it went off without a hitch. We can talk later.”

“You promised.” If Jensen didn’t know better he would say there was the beginning of a whine in Jared’s voice.

“I. Am. Fucking. Horny.” Jensen paused between each word to plant trailing kisses down Jared’s chest. “Fuck now. Talk later.”

“I just think it would be better if—“

Jensen lifted up to look at him. “I wanna suck you off.”

Jared dropped his head back down onto the bed. “Ok, you convinced me.”

Chuckling, Jensen slid farther down the bed and starting to unbuckle the buttons of Jared’s jeans. God, he hated button-fly jeans. Fucking things refused to come off.

“Wha—I—Jared?”

Both men turned at the sound of the voice to look over at the door. Framed by the door to Jensen’s room stood Sandy, a horrified look on her face.

The three of the stare at each other in shock. Half-naked, sprawled across one another, there is no mistaking what she’d stumbled upon.

Jensen barley has time to process what going on before she turned to run.

“Sandy!” Cursing loudly, Jared frantically pushed Jensen off of him, scrambling to go after her. He shot Jensen a glare. “You couldn’t have locked the door?”

“There isn’t one on the door,” Jensen said weakly.

But there wasn’t anybody there to listen.

 

***

 

“Sandy, Sandy, please, just stop for a second.” Catching up with her at the bottom of the stairs, he reached her in the living room. “Please, can you just let me explain?”

“Let you explain?” Sandy repeated. Her voice is ice cold, frozen with all of the fury he can see in her eyes. “I’d sooner rather die.”

Sitting wide eyed on the living room couch were his roommates. As if this wasn’t a terrible enough experience, that it had to have spectators.

“Sandy, please, let’s just go somewhere else and we can—“

“I’m not going anywhere with you Jared, not ever again!”

“If you’d just let me—“

“God, what? Explain?” Taking a couple of steps back from him, she looked at him with disgust. “Explain to me how I came over to my fiancés house and caught him screwing the resident psycho?”

Chris sat up at that. “Hey—“ but fell silent at one look from Jared.

“I don’t know what to say,” he replied slowly. “I never mean to hurt you.”

“Did you do this on purpose?” she asked. “Just to hurt me?” It was at this point that she couldn’t hold back her tears any longer, and she raised a shaking hand to angrily wipe the tears from her face.

“No! I was going to tell you. I was—“

“God! I was so excited too. I’m so stupid, why would he ever call me for something good, he hates my guts.”

Jared was beginning to get a little confused. “What are you talking about?”

“J! He called me yesterday, told me to come at his room after my shift at the hospital because he had a surprise he wanted to give you and he wanted my help.”

Jared wanted to say something, anything to that, but he was frozen still. He could hear the low sounds of whatever show the others had been watching in the background, could hear his breath heavy in his ears, but didn’t understand what he was being told.

J had gone behind his back? Jared had never thought that the alter would actually do it, would actually tell Sandy, like he had threatened he would. But he had, and in the most painful way possible.

Jared couldn’t even process it.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice rough with tears.

CRACK

Jared fell silent, his cheek stinging red where Sandy had slapped him.

“I’m not sorry,” Sandy said coldly. “At least now I know what kind of man you are.”

Jared stood there and watched as she ran out the door. She was the first person he’d ever really loved, he’d promised her that they would spend the rest of their lives together, and instead had crushed everything that had ever been good between them.

“Jared?” Danneel’s tentative voice broke the trance he was in. “Where’s Jensen?”

 

***

 

When Jared found him, he was in the same place Jared had left him before he’d run after Sandy. Huddled on the bed, he raised his head when Jared entered the room.

“What are you doing here?” His voice sounded tired, and he wouldn’t look at Jared, instead choosing to focus on the area to left of him. “Come to comfort the resident psycho?”

Jared felt a pang of anger that he hadn’t let himself feel earlier. “She had no right—“

“She had every right Jared,” Jensen replied in with a small laugh. “I fucked her boyfriend and the called her over to see an second surprise performance.”

“That was J.”

This time Jensen did look at him. “Don’t do that. Don’t excuse the actions of my alters like it has nothing to do with me. They are me.” He shrugged. “Just different versions of me I guess.”

“I don’t care then.” That was a small lie. He did care. He cared that Sandy had been hurt, but he could forgive it, if it meant being with Jensen.

Jensen let out a tired sigh. “I’m not gonna get better Jared. Not anytime soon. You know how long I’ve been in therapy? Almost ten years. And it doesn’t look like I’m gonna be able to stop going anytime soon.”

“I don’t care.”

“The last guy I was seeing dumped me because he found J fucking his best friend.”

“I don’t care, and I don’t really think you’re Chad’s type.”

“Bo got me and a buddy arrested after pulling a knife on some asshole in a bar.”

“I don’t care”

“Jack doesn’t even like you enough to let you near him!” At this point Jared could almost see Jensen frantically thinking up more horrible things to screw up their relationship.

“I love you.”

Jensen stilled, looking away from him. “You deserve better than me.”

“No way,” Jared said softly. “If anything, you deserve better than me. Too bad I’m too much of a selfish son of a bitch to let you go.”

Jensen lifted his face, and Jared could see the tears threatening to spill down his face. “God damn you Jared Padalecki. Nobody’s made me cry in 8 goddamn years.”

“Hey,” Jared smiled at him, sitting down on the bed next to him. “They don’t count if they’re tears of joys dumbass.” Pausing uncertainly, he asked. “You are happy right?”

Jensen let out a small laugh “Yes you idiot.”

Jared couldn’t help but think that of all the ways he’d envisioned his life would turn out, of all the hopes and dreams he had for himself, he never could have thought this man would be the answer.

Life’s funny that way.

“Jared,” Jensen asked worriedly. “Why are you looking at me that way.”

“I was just thinking about how awesome I was, for landing such a hot ass boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend huh?”

“Yep.”

“You know what,” Jensen gave him a small smile. “I think that’s the first time I’ve heard that and been happy about it.”

“You and me together. That’s all I really want.”

“And Jack, and J, and Bo.” Jensen reminded.

“Don’t worry I won’t be forgetting them anytime soon.”

Jensen looked at him. “You know, I kinda love you, you know that?”

Jared felt a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “You kinda love me, huh?”

“I know,” Jensen paused to lay a light kiss on his lips. “Sort of surprised me too.”

 

THE END


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